Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I've been feeling slightly less stressed about my leave. The rosters (which have no dates on them) are the same, but I looked at the year at a glance calendar in the office today and my holidays are down. Please God can it be worked out? Thanks.
The next two days I have off. I'm not sure what I'll do, more sewing probably...I was getting annoyed before because I'm tired and can't continue.
Miss you James...
Monday, June 28, 2010
Please God, can this leave thing be sorted? Perhaps I'm making an issue when there isn't one, but I'm worried about it. Please be in this. Thanks for all you do for me.
I had ( saw STB write it on the year at a glance calander when i
asked) has not been put on the roster and that jolly woman has gone on
her own holiday. This is so like her. I'm shaking my head in absolute
disgust here. If I don't get the leave I've been granted, I will quit.
I am not taking this. Please God, can you sort this out? I've put
money into this and have been looking forward to it. Please take this
anger, worry and fear from me. I don't know what else to do.
I really wish I could talk to you James, and could get your advice. I just
Sunday, June 27, 2010
You know what's in my heart God, I'm trying to honour you in my life. please can you see that and recognise that. Please help me in my life. Thanks.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
forward, trusting that you know best. But I still like him God. Surely
the love I have for him is not for nothing right? Why do I feel so
strongly for him and he nothing for me? I'm trying to put you first in
my life and to honour you. Please can you see that. I really love this
guy God, I have such a heart for him. Please be real to him God.
Please show me what to do, whether to keep loving him, praying for him
and waiting for him, or whether to just leave it. I wish I knew what
Please God, will you watch over him and keep him safe? Thanks.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Psalm 1211 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
The band Sons of Korah sing this, I particularly love from verse 5 to 7. If I ever become a parent (and I'd like to) I'd like to do a cross stitch wall hanging of this for my child. I think it would make a nice gift, and would be a prayer that I would be praying for them in their life. Anyway...I like it.
I also like Psalm 148, which SOK sing too, called Sun, Moon, Stars. I heard of a mother who played SOK music to her little girl every night as she went to sleep. The mother asked her daughter which song she liked best and she said this one. I love that, and would like to do that for my child too.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
before I left) and I just got a text from a very nice person. I'm
going to go look at cameras now and maybe get something to eat. But
most of all I feel okay about being single. Life is much easier for me
when I'm not depending on others to make me happy, and when they are
not letting me down. So I'm making the choice to be positive, to look
for the good in life and I feel like I'm heading in a better
direction. Thanks God, I know it's all down to you, helping me get
through each day.
All things were created through Him and for Him. He is before all
things, and in Him all things hold together. Collosians 1:16-17
I think I got caught up in my own world last night (& this morning
too) and lost sight of what's really important. I like this verse.
It's from a 'pass it on card'.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
yellow fabric around them. I've done almost half of it but ran out of
yellow. I went to get more and couldn't find any of the yellow Ive
used. I've reluctantly bought another yellow and will mix the two, but
I'm a bit dissapointed : / I thought it would be a simple,
nonchallenging thing. I'm planning on taking it all with me on my
trip. It's all hand sewn so easily transported. And I hope it's done
by Christmas. I might give it to mum. I've always wanted to make her a
pw quilt. I'll see.
Cooking this arvo, for my sister's engagement party on Saturday.
Hopefully I will have success. (florentines and kiss biscuits)
really can't make desserts though, the meringue was cooked well though
but trying keep the filling in and roll it up didn't go so well, and
the berries aren't sweet, the recipe didn't say to add sugar to them.
Oh well, hopefully dad will eat it. But the Mexican I cooked was
delicious, very tasty. I could live on Mexican food.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
really that she might make an issue of me not really acknowledging her
(which wouldn't surprise me, she can dish it out but doesn't take
criticism very well) so I made more of an effort with her today.
I didn't get my tickets or make any bookings yesterday. I went down
and they hadn't arrived & I forgot the dates I'm going to be in
Kaikoura, and didn't want to guess. So hopefully this arvo.
Angelica was a good girl today, especially in eating all her lunch.
She has developed a habit of crying when left alone for any long
length of time though, and even if I have her with me but give my
attention to someone else she starts winging and then crying. It's an
attention seeking thing, and I don't like it really. But she's an only
child and basically has most of my attention, so I guess when she
doesn't have it she doesn't like it, I understand.
I have the next two days off. I'd like to be working for one of them,
but I guess I'll survive the sleep in, the craft in the arvo, the
walking the dog, the eating lunch while watching something...all the
things I enjoy doing when not working. I need to keep reminding myself
to keep saving. It's the lack of anything nice to eat at home which
makes me want to buy stuff.
I still care James, in case you were wondering. I can't turn off how I
feel. I'm still praying and hoping for you.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Another ok work day. Angelica can seriously walk now!! She just amazes me with her determination and constant happy personality. She's working so hard and making such progress. She'll be walking and running with confidence soon I'm sure. A month ago she couldn't have done what she did today. Thanks God. I'm still struggling with K though, even saying hello and goodbye to her isn't easy because of the way she's responded to me in the past. Another day with her tomorrow... I want to like her God but I don't know. It's hard to forget what she's done in the past.
And I'm hungry. I'm going home now and plan on eating then, something nice hopefully, crossoints, cheese, chips etc...
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
And I'm feeling good
my work tomorrow, please help me with Gella, to be kind, patient and a
good carer for her, especially during lunch and sleeptime when I often
find myself getting frustrated with her. Please give me a kind heart
towards her. I do love her and want to be more patient with her.
Thanks for this very precious little girl God. I love looking after her.
Please be with Sus God. She's away for along time. I don't know where
she stands with you, but please use this time to work in her. Please
help me not to worry about her. I know you have her in your care.
Please put it on her heart to find a good church and Christian
Please be with Hilary God. Please build her up, encourage her and
Please God, be with the Stevens and Johnson family today and everyday.
Please be their guide through these hard times.
Thankyou so much for the lovely comment and for praying for me. Its really brightened my day. I was sorry to hear about your dad. From your's and Rachel's posts he seems like a much loved dad/grandfather/husband. I will keep praying, for him and for your family.
How is Daniel going? Hope you aren't having too many sleepless nights :) Thank you for the Bible verse, and I hope you don't mind, but a little while ago I used the Ida Stanphill poem on here which I found on your site. It just seemed to fit the circumstances, you know...
I love reading about the adventures the Johnson family have and seeing the photos of your lovely smiling children.
Hope you are all going ok, thanks again :)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
absolutly not doing this with him or anyone else ever again. I guess
it was inevitable, although I thought because I asked God, and
believed that you could work in him, that this last time might be
different, obviously not. I've had this all wrong I feel, what I've
known but havn't wanted to face, that this was never going to happen.
How rediculous and stupid I feel.
Please God, only you know where I'm coming from with this and why he's
meant so much to me. Please help to walk away now, even though it's
hard. I can't do it on my own, I've tried and it's just too hard.
Thanks. And please give me patience with L too. Thanks.
(will also add that the person who was ignoring me last night
apologised this morning, thanks God. I didn't even ask, but you knew
what I needed)
tired and don't want to talk to me. And I know there would be a
confrontation if I dared say anything : /
And even though I will most likely be hurt and ignored I want to ask
him again if I can see him. It's like although in my head I know I
shouldn't do this to my self again, my heart tells me to try one more
time. I don't know...
Despite a good day though, I don't feel so great. Right now I really feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone (this is me being honest, not dramatic). I wouldn't want to date me either. And what if I made an effort to make myself look more attractive and I still failed in my relationships? I'd feel even worse then and how I'm currently feeling would be confirmed as true. God, I don't feel so great about myself right now. Please work all this stuff out.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
own money (what I aim for everyday at the moment) and I've made
sausage rolls and a choc caramel tart. (which didn't really work, very
messy. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm a very good cook : / ) and
Neighbours is good tonight. (but rolling my eyes at Karl and Susan-
they are seriously stupid!)
Please help me with Felix tommorrow God, to be patient and kind with
him. And please help me in working with the girls, to be friendly and
to not take offence easily. I really struggle with K at the moment
particularly God, please help me with her. Thanks. And please make her
see that the way she acts at times just isn't right.
And once again I ask for you to lead me and lead James too. I would
love a future with him, but I trust that you know what's best and that
all will work for good, whether that means things ever happen or not.
Thankyou for him God, for this most dear person. Love you James.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Please be with my most precious friend God, please take care of him each day of his life, shelter him and protect him. Please open his eyes God, to the love that I have for him. Thanks.
I've got a second wind and am feeling a bit brighter. Yeah!
Wish I could just leave here and never look or think back. Soon though, only 24 days till I can escape this place, at least for a little while. Watching Seachange doesn't help! I'm excited to be going, but funnily I can't make myself plan for it, places I want to go and such during the day. I've booked tickets and accommodation. Wish I could motivate myself to do it. I've decided to go to Auckland first, than Wellington, Christchurch, Kaikoura, Greymouth (although I'm wondering if theres much to do there- it looks nice, but I've heard its a tiny town) and than back to Christchurch. I found it's actually cheaper and a better use of my time to fly to major cities, rather than catch trains/coaches. Hopefully it will be good. Wish I could share this with you James, and get your advice about it all. You give good advice, I remember. Wish you'd talk to me again, and wanted to know me. I don't know why but tonight I'm feeling more low than usual. Really miss you and wish we were friends again : /
Take me away please God (or someone/anyone!!)... I'd be happy with any of these places...
cupcakes, bread roll, cherries, sakatas etc...) reading (the summer in
between) cooking (the cupcakes) and hand sewing. And also dropping
things...an almost full glass of red cordial, all over the carpet,
sewing, sewing pattern and unfinished knitting. Oops!
Feeling a bit meloncholy, I don't know why, well I do really, but I'm
trying to get over that somehow. Time I guess and hopefully someone
else coming along. (although I doubt that's ever going to happen, it
never does with me...) oh well.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
that she was so happy and settled. I love thIs little girl God, please
be with her, help her to walk and talk and make progress as she
should. Can you please save her and her mum and dad? I want her to go
to heaven when she dies. I ask the same for Rubi & her baby. I find it
easy to worry that these precious people are not going to heaven when
they are finished here, but I know you have your plans & I want to
trust you for them. Please work in them God. Thanks. And thanks that
working with K, R & S was okay today.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
in the country. (and I keep forgetting it's a public holiday tomorrow,
thinking I have to organize my self for work)
Wish I could see you today James, I'm so tired of this never ending
nothing. I really miss you. I wish you'd let me love you, I wouldn't
expect anything back. I wish you'd see that this love I have for you,
it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. I wish for you every good
thing in life. I want to know you and take care of you, and hear you
laugh, and hold your hand and I want to be able to hug you when I see
you. I want to send you postcards from my holidays. I want to hear how
your uni semester has gone. I want to go to the movies with you again.
I want to text back and forth with you. However...I know these are
things which I want, and are not what you want. That's okay.
Love you my friend,
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
S and S too. Please help me with Felix, to be kind and patient and a
good carer for him. Please help me to keep saving well and to not feel
anxious about money. And please be with James today too God, thanks.
wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I'll never be good enough for
anyone. Two hours was enough to put someone off, so why should I
bother to ever try again?
All I want God, is for just one person to look beyond what they can
see and to give me the time of day. It never happens, and I'm so over
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
*the city at night
*long days at work (means more holiday money)
*days off (tomorrow!)
*when trains are on time (like now!)
*the feeling that comes with being able to save money (awesome
*when people are thoughtful and surprise me with their kindness
*shadows in silence by enigma
*silence by joy williams
*meteor shower by Thomas Newman
*Felix and Angelica
Thanks God for a relatively hassle free day. I so enjoy talking with
the girls during rest time. I ask again God, please work in M, it
really does seem like she's going for good, and it just isn't right.
To break up her family this way is just so wrong. Please God convict
her and P to work things out, if only for the sake of the girls.
Please God intervene. Only you can do it at this stage. Please work a
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Please God can you go with me in my work today? Please can everything be clear and can you help me to be a help? Thanks...
Monday, June 7, 2010
help. Please could Angelica come today God, so I have some work to do? Please help me not to take
offence easily and to be kind. And I know it's trivial but could the
thing with R be worked out please? Thanks God , for all you do for me.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
These last few months, not hearing from you have been hard, I've really struggled with feeling hurt and unwanted but the love and admiration I have for you just keeps returning. I've been fighting for you James, fighting to hold on and stay strong and that's why I've emailed even when I've known you were not going to reply back.
I'm so sorry about that awful email I sent you, I was just so incredibly disappointed. But you didn't deserve that. Please forgive me.
I guess what I'm saying here, is that in me you've got someone who thinks you're pretty wonderful and interesting and all I'm asking for is a chance to show you what you mean to me. Let me love you, let me know you and be a part of your life. You might be surprised by me too, there's more to me than meets the eye.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. And people we cant
live without, but have to let go"
I think that included in this should be something about things we need
to know but have no way of getting them. That's my thoughts anyway.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
always thought it was a nice thing to say, not a bad thing. But I
guess I don't know anymore...
And WHY on earth do I love someone who doesn't talk to me?
I just can't seem to stop, the feelings always come back, no matter
what he does. I guess I know there's more to him than the eye can see.
I love him, I just do and I feel so overwhelmed with this love and
with this longing to protect him and look after him and to be with
him. Is this what real love is? He is by far the most important person
to me. I can't look after him and take care of him God, so please can
you? I really feel like you've put it on my heart to show him
compassion and care, I've failed to do that at times, and now it's out
my hands really. All I can do is commit him to you. Please soften his heart towards you and towards
one I got back in February, and it's just dissapeared. Made me pretty
angry, there was more on it than music you know? I guess it's good
that I at least can afford to get another one, that's something. But
So wish I could see James right now, I just want to hold him close. A
few work girls were talking about relationships today and one said
when she first started seeing her partner, she wasn't very attracted
to him, but that came with time. James has given me a total of about 2
hours of face to face time. (I'm not counting the movie) How is that
long enough to make a decision about me? It's not. I wish he'd given
me more of a chance. And also, the more I think about things, the more
I'm pretty sure (even if his no was really just a no) that there are
other things going on with him. Please God, heal his heart. I know
he's been hurt. Protect him and shelter him. Please open his eyes to
me, to the love I have for him.