I'm excited!!

I've found all these great vintage embroidery patterns online and I feel all inspired! Christmas presents this year will be hand made. I'm thinking of this for my nephew, although I like the M and his name starts with J, so I thought I could sew Jesse into the monkey's hat and keep the M, making it an alphabet cushion? I'll see. I'm off to get some material!

Actually not too bad a day. I usually am quite willing to go to work, but today I really didn't feel like it. Especially while on the train/bus I just wanted to stay on all day. Angelica was pretty good, despite being a bit naughty at lunch time. I managed to get a whole bowl of lunch into her, usually it isn't very easy. She was so lovely after sleep time though, she was happy to just sit and chatter away and let me hold her. I love that little girl. Sadly I'm not minding Felix on Friday, I'm doing a longer day elsewhere in the centre. I hope he goes okay. The girl who's looking after him is a 15 year old school girl, doing some casual work in her holidays.  I hope she does a good job. He can be a handful and takes a while to adjust to people. Please God, watch over him and please keep him safe. (and Jaimee too)
I've been feeling slightly less stressed about my leave. The rosters (which have no dates on them) are the same, but I looked at the year at a glance calendar in the office today and my holidays are down. Please God can it be worked out? Thanks.
The next two days I have off. I'm not sure what I'll do, more sewing probably...I was getting annoyed before because I'm tired and can't continue.
Miss you James...

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace. Phil. 4:6-7

Please God, can this leave thing be sorted? Perhaps I'm making an issue when there isn't one, but I'm worried about it. Please be in this. Thanks for all you do for me.

Feeling really stressed. The leave I applied for in April and was told
I had ( saw STB write it on the year at a glance calander when i
asked) has not been put on the roster and that jolly woman has gone on
her own holiday. This is so like her. I'm shaking my head in absolute
disgust here. If I don't get the leave I've been granted, I will quit.
I am not taking this. Please God, can you sort this out? I've put
money into this and have been looking forward to it. Please take this
anger, worry and fear from me. I don't know what else to do.
I really wish I could talk to you James, and could get your advice. I just
miss you.

I'm feeling worn out

 Its always hard getting up early on Monday...but I'll survive. Please God, go with me in my work with Angelica today. Please can she come, and please help me in working with the girls, to be kind, friendly and to not take offence easily. Thanks.
You know what's in my heart God, I'm trying to honour you in my life. please can you see that and recognise that. Please help me in my life. Thanks.

To go or not to go?? I don't want to go and will feel bad if I don't,
but I'll feel bad about myself if I do go.
I don't want to go and I don't want to have to go!!

God, I'm struggling again. I'm trying to be positive and to move
forward, trusting that you know best. But I still like him God. Surely
the love I have for him is not for nothing right? Why do I feel so
strongly for him and he nothing for me? I'm trying to put you first in
my life and to honour you. Please can you see that. I really love this
guy God, I have such a heart for him. Please be real to him God.
Please show me what to do, whether to keep loving him, praying for him
and waiting for him, or whether to just leave it. I wish I knew what
to do.
Please God, will you watch over him and keep him safe? Thanks.

What was I thinking before? I'll never be okay with being single! (will I?? I don't know?)

I love this...

Psalm 121

 ¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
       where does my help come from? 
² My help comes from the LORD,
       the Maker of heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not let your foot slip—
       he who watches over you will not slumber;
 ⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
       will neither slumber nor sleep.
 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—
       the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
 ⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
       nor the moon by night.
 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
       he will watch over your life;
 ⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
       both now and forevermore.


The band Sons of Korah sing this, I particularly love from verse 5 to 7. If I ever become a parent (and I'd like to) I'd like to do a cross stitch wall hanging of this for my child. I think it would make a nice gift, and would be a prayer that I would be praying for them in their life. Anyway...I like it. 
I also like Psalm 148, which SOK sing too, called Sun, Moon, Stars. I heard of a mother who played SOK music to her little girl every night as she went to sleep. The mother asked her daughter which song she liked best and she said this one. I love that, and would like to do that for my child too.

I'm feeling good! I've had a good day at work (Felix gave me a hug
before I left) and I just got a text from a very nice person. I'm
going to go look at cameras now and maybe get something to eat. But
most of all I feel okay about being single. Life is much easier for me
when I'm not depending on others to make me happy, and when they are
not letting me down. So I'm making the choice to be positive, to look
for the good in life and I feel like I'm heading in a better
direction. Thanks God, I know it's all down to you, helping me get
through each day.

Please God, help me to get over this whole mess. Please take me away
from it. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Please help me.

Perspective (which I keep losing)

Oh yeah. I keep forgetting, it's not about me, it is about HIM!
All things were created through Him and for Him. He is before all
things, and in Him all things hold together. Collosians 1:16-17

I think I got caught up in my own world last night (& this morning
too) and lost sight of what's really important. I like this verse.
It's from a 'pass it on card'.

Hmmm... I'm making a patchwork quilt. Lots of hexagon flowers with
yellow fabric around them. I've done almost half of it but ran out of
yellow. I went to get more and couldn't find any of the yellow Ive
used. I've reluctantly bought another yellow and will mix the two, but
I'm a bit dissapointed : / I thought it would be a simple,
nonchallenging thing. I'm planning on taking it all with me on my
trip. It's all hand sewn so easily transported. And I hope it's done
by Christmas. I might give it to mum. I've always wanted to make her a
pw quilt. I'll see.
Cooking this arvo, for my sister's engagement party on Saturday.
Hopefully I will have success. (florentines and kiss biscuits)

Thanks God for a good day. I'm doing ok, and that's thanks to you. I
really can't make desserts though, the meringue was cooked well though
but trying keep the filling in and roll it up didn't go so well, and
the berries aren't sweet, the recipe didn't say to add sugar to them.
Oh well, hopefully dad will eat it. But the Mexican I cooked was
delicious, very tasty. I could live on Mexican food.

Cooking adventures

Currently having another go at making a meringue roll (a rolled up pavolva). I've followed the recipe pretty much exactly, so I'm hoping it will work. I love cooking nice things on my days off, no casseroles! (or anything else with boiled veg!) I've got berries to go with it, the recipe says to whip cream and mascapone together for the middle, but mascapone is expensive, so I'm trying ricotta instead. They are both cheese's so it shouldn't make too much difference.

So i managed a hello to her. I was thinking last night, well worrying
really that she might make an issue of me not really acknowledging her
(which wouldn't surprise me, she can dish it out but doesn't take
criticism very well) so I made more of an effort with her today.
I didn't get my tickets or make any bookings yesterday. I went down
and they hadn't arrived & I forgot the dates I'm going to be in
Kaikoura, and didn't want to guess. So hopefully this arvo.
Angelica was a good girl today, especially in eating all her lunch.
She has developed a habit of crying when left alone for any long
length of time though, and even if I have her with me but give my
attention to someone else she starts winging and then crying. It's an
attention seeking thing, and I don't like it really. But she's an only
child and basically has most of my attention, so I guess when she
doesn't have it she doesn't like it, I understand.
I have the next two days off. I'd like to be working for one of them,
but I guess I'll survive the sleep in, the craft in the arvo, the
walking the dog, the eating lunch while watching something...all the
things I enjoy doing when not working. I need to keep reminding myself
to keep saving. It's the lack of anything nice to eat at home which
makes me want to buy stuff.
I still care James, in case you were wondering. I can't turn off how I
feel. I'm still praying and hoping for you.

In regards to my NZ trip, I'm finally feeling like organising things to do while staying in places. I'd like to go and see the Bay of Islands from Auckland. Tours seem quite expensive, $100 plus and it's only a day thing. So I might see if I can do it on my own, not as part of a tour. And I'm planning on going to hopefully pick up my tickets this arvo and book a whale watching tour while there. The reason I'm going to Kaikoura is because of the whale and dolphin watching that can be done there. Really looking forward to that. I just know I'll be wanting to capture it all on camera as it's a once in a lifetime thing. (and I've always wanted to see whales and dolphins!) Can't wait! I also heard yesterday that there is snow in Christchurch this time of year. I guess I'll find out when I get there. And apparently Greymouth is close to a few glaciers. So depending on how easy it is to get there from gm, I'd like to see them. I hope the youth hostels offer tours. I went on a 'Sound of Music' tour in Austria which was great. And pick up was from the yh.
Another ok work day. Angelica can seriously walk now!! She just amazes me with her determination and constant happy personality. She's working so hard and making such progress. She'll be walking and running with confidence soon I'm sure. A month ago she couldn't have done what she did today. Thanks God. I'm still struggling with K though, even saying hello and goodbye to her isn't easy because of the way she's responded to me in the past. Another day with her tomorrow... I want to like her God but I don't know. It's hard to forget what she's done in the past.
And I'm hungry. I'm going home now and plan on eating then, something nice hopefully, crossoints, cheese, chips etc...

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Thankyou God for a restful day. I like Sundays. Please go with me in
my work tomorrow, please help me with Gella, to be kind, patient and a
good carer for her, especially during lunch and sleeptime when I often
find myself getting frustrated with her. Please give me a kind heart
towards her. I do love her and want to be more patient with her.
Thanks for this very precious little girl God. I love looking after her.
Please be with Sus God. She's away for along time. I don't know where
she stands with you, but please use this time to work in her. Please
help me not to worry about her. I know you have her in your care.
Please put it on her heart to find a good church and Christian
friends. Thanks.
Please be with Hilary God. Please build her up, encourage her and
strengthen her.
Please God, be with the Stevens and Johnson family today and everyday.
Please be their guide through these hard times.

Dear Katie,
Thankyou so much for the lovely comment and for praying for me. Its really brightened my day. I was sorry to hear about your dad. From your's and Rachel's posts he seems like a much loved dad/grandfather/husband. I will keep praying, for him and for your family.
How is Daniel going? Hope you aren't having too many sleepless nights :) Thank you for the Bible verse, and I hope you don't mind, but a little while ago I used the Ida Stanphill poem on here which I found on your site. It just seemed to fit the circumstances, you know...
I love reading about the adventures the Johnson family have and seeing the photos of your lovely smiling children.
Hope you are all going ok, thanks again :)

Rachel

I felt when I was apologised to this morning that someone prayed for
me in this. I don't know, it just seemed like a God thing for it to
happen. Thanks if you did (whoever you are).

Feeling like rubbish. I asked, he's said no in his usual way, and I am
absolutly not doing this with him or anyone else ever again. I guess
it was inevitable, although I thought because I asked God, and
believed that you could work in him, that this last time might be
different, obviously not. I've had this all wrong I feel, what I've
known but havn't wanted to face, that this was never going to happen.
How rediculous and stupid I feel.
Please God, only you know where I'm coming from with this and why he's
meant so much to me. Please help to walk away now, even though it's
hard. I can't do it on my own, I've tried and it's just too hard.
Thanks. And please give me patience with L too. Thanks.

(will also add that the person who was ignoring me last night
apologised this morning, thanks God. I didn't even ask, but you knew
what I needed)

It really hurts me when people who I havn't seen all day come home
tired and don't want to talk to me. And I know there would be a
confrontation if I dared say anything : /

And even though I will most likely be hurt and ignored I want to ask
him again if I can see him. It's like although in my head I know I
shouldn't do this to my self again, my heart tells me to try one more
time. I don't know...

God I seriously feel like I'm dying here. Please show me what to do.
Thanks.

Another okay day. Felix was good, as he usually is these days. I love that little boy and wish he was mine. (even when he's naughty!) And working with Anna and Elizabeth wasn't too bad, so thanks God.
Despite a good day though, I don't feel so great. Right now I really feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone (this is me being honest, not dramatic). I wouldn't want to date me either. And what if I made an effort to make myself look more attractive and I still failed in my relationships? I'd feel even worse then and how I'm currently feeling would be confirmed as true. God, I don't feel so great about myself right now. Please work all this stuff out.

Sleep well james. (wish I was with you)

Another not too bad day. I've managed to not spend a single cent of my
own money (what I aim for everyday at the moment) and I've made
sausage rolls and a choc caramel tart. (which didn't really work, very
messy. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm a very good cook : / ) and
Neighbours is good tonight. (but rolling my eyes at Karl and Susan-
they are seriously stupid!)
Please help me with Felix tommorrow God, to be patient and kind with
him. And please help me in working with the girls, to be friendly and
to not take offence easily. I really struggle with K at the moment
particularly God, please help me with her. Thanks. And please make her
see that the way she acts at times just isn't right.
And once again I ask for you to lead me and lead James too. I would
love a future with him, but I trust that you know what's best and that
all will work for good, whether that means things ever happen or not.
Thankyou for him God, for this most dear person. Love you James.

Feeling ok

Realised something while reading my Bible just now, God has everything in control, all this stuff thats happening, its part of his plan. I don't know what it is yet, but I realised that I've lost sight of this most important fact. I've realised that its okay to leave my worries with him and to just trust that he will work for good. All this time I've been worrying and fretting and thinking that everything in my life is such a terrible mess, when its not. Thanks God, please remind me often that you know best and I should just give my worries and cares to you? And please forgive me for getting angry about the cordial.
Please be with my most precious friend God, please take care of him each day of his life, shelter him and protect him. Please open his eyes God, to the love that I have for him. Thanks.
I've got a second wind and am feeling a bit brighter. Yeah!

You are my refuge, you are my tower. You heard me cry out in my

darkest hour. I called out in weakness you are my helper. You spread

your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is

higher than I.

Psalm 61 (Just needed the reminder!)

I love the image of being held securely under those wings and just being taken away from everything else to a safe place. I also love that all I have to do is trust and stay close and let him do the work, if that makes sense?

Or maybe a little closer to home? (Cape Byron, I've always wanted to go to Byron Bay)

Still feeling rubbishy, not really sure why when the day hasn't been too bad. Maybe its because its been another day where everything has been the same once again, nothings changed. I don't even know why I bother to write this.(other than that its cathartic to write things down- but I could write anywhere right?) The person who I want to read this gives no indication that he does, so I don't know.
Wish I could just leave here and never look or think back. Soon though, only 24 days till I can escape this place, at least for a little while. Watching Seachange doesn't help! I'm excited to be going, but funnily I can't make myself plan for it, places I want to go and such during the day. I've booked tickets and accommodation. Wish I could motivate myself to do it.  I've decided to go to Auckland first, than Wellington, Christchurch, Kaikoura, Greymouth (although I'm wondering if theres much to do there- it looks nice, but I've heard its a tiny town) and than back to Christchurch. I found it's actually cheaper and a better use of my time to fly to major cities, rather than catch trains/coaches. Hopefully it will be good. Wish I could share this with you James, and get your advice about it all. You give good advice, I remember. Wish you'd talk to me again, and wanted to know me. I don't know why but tonight I'm feeling more low than usual. Really miss you and wish we were friends again : /

Take me away please God (or someone/anyone!!)... I'd be happy with any of these places...

And maybe Greece for my next holiday? This photo has inspired me!

Sometimes life's really unfair.

A day of resting (no work), eating (clinkers, killer pythons,
cupcakes, bread roll, cherries, sakatas etc...) reading (the summer in
between) cooking (the cupcakes) and hand sewing. And also dropping
things...an almost full glass of red cordial, all over the carpet,
sewing, sewing pattern and unfinished knitting. Oops!
Feeling a bit meloncholy, I don't know why, well I do really, but I'm
trying to get over that somehow. Time I guess and hopefully someone
else coming along. (although I doubt that's ever going to happen, it
never does with me...) oh well.

Thanks again God for a pretty good day. Thanks that Angelica came and
that she was so happy and settled. I love thIs little girl God, please
be with her, help her to walk and talk and make progress as she
should. Can you please save her and her mum and dad? I want her to go
to heaven when she dies. I ask the same for Rubi & her baby. I find it
easy to worry that these precious people are not going to heaven when
they are finished here, but I know you have your plans & I want to
trust you for them. Please work in them God. Thanks. And thanks that
working with K, R & S was okay today.

Thanks God that the thing with R worked out and that Angelica came!

Have been watching 'Rain Shadow', which I love. Makes me want to live
in the country. (and I keep forgetting it's a public holiday tomorrow,
thinking I have to organize my self for work)
Wish I could see you today James, I'm so tired of this never ending
nothing. I really miss you. I wish you'd let me love you, I wouldn't
expect anything back. I wish you'd see that this love I have for you,
it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. I wish for you every good
thing in life. I want to know you and take care of you, and hear you
laugh, and hold your hand and I want to be able to hug you when I see
you. I want to send you postcards from my holidays. I want to hear how
your uni semester has gone. I want to go to the movies with you again.
I want to text back and forth with you. However...I know these are
things which I want, and are not what you want. That's okay.
Love you my friend,
Rachel

Thanks God for such a good day with Felix, he's become such fun lately. Please watch him, Jaimee and Zoe. And thanks that things went so well with Holly, she's been so much easier to work with lately. Please can it continue? Thanks. And please be with James too, he means so much to me God, but even more to you I know. Only you know what the future holds, I'm trying to trust that you have everything in control, but its hard God.

Please help me in my work today God, particularly in working with H &
S and S too. Please help me with Felix, to be kind and patient and a
good carer for him. Please help me to keep saving well and to not feel
anxious about money. And please be with James today too God, thanks.

Feeling not so great again. I'm dying with love for someone and he
wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I'll never be good enough for
anyone. Two hours was enough to put someone off, so why should I
bother to ever try again?
All I want God, is for just one person to look beyond what they can
see and to give me the time of day. It never happens, and I'm so over
it!

You must really hate me hey James?

Things (/people) i love...
*the city at night
*long days at work (means more holiday money)
*days off (tomorrow!)
*when trains are on time (like now!)
*the feeling that comes with being able to save money (awesome
feeling!!!)
*when people are thoughtful and surprise me with their kindness
*shadows in silence by enigma
*silence by joy williams
*meteor shower by Thomas Newman
*Rain Shadow
*Felix and Angelica
*James G...
Thanks God for a relatively hassle free day. I so enjoy talking with
the girls during rest time. I ask again God, please work in M, it
really does seem like she's going for good, and it just isn't right.
To break up her family this way is just so wrong. Please God convict
her and P to work things out, if only for the sake of the girls.
Please God intervene. Only you can do it at this stage. Please work a
miracle. Thanks.

Feeling not so great again. Why do I keep putting myself in a position where I know I'm going to be hurt? It's always the same story with me. It hurts to be continuously ignored. I'm shaking my head here, over many things.
Please God can you go with me in my work today? Please can everything be clear and can you help me to be a help? Thanks...

Please God work in P and M's marriage and in their little girls too.
It isn't right what she's doing. You know their situation, but please
God don't let this happen. Please step in.

Please God, help me in my work today, to know what to do and to be a
help. Please could Angelica come today God, so I have some work to do? Please help me not to take
offence easily and to be kind. And I know it's trivial but could the
thing with R be worked out please? Thanks God , for all you do for me.

James...

You are loved, so very much. This may seem crazy, I know, but I look at you and I can't help it. I really feel like this love I have for you is something God has ordained, like he wants me to show you love and compassion. I'm not perfect, inside or out, and I know I havn't always been kind or compassionate towards you, but I just want you to know you matter to me. You are precious to me, and I value you and appreciate you. I know we havn't spent alot of face to face time together, but sometimes you just know when someone's 'the one', and you're the one for me, and you always will be. I've been praying and praying for God to show me the way in this, and I'm going to keep praying for you and for his will to be done. He's really worked in me through this, drawing me closer to him. This is a record of all my thoughts and prayers.

These last few months, not hearing from you have been hard, I've really struggled with feeling hurt  and unwanted but the love and admiration I have for you just keeps returning. I've been fighting for you James, fighting to hold on and stay strong and that's why I've emailed even when I've known you were not going to reply back.

I'm so sorry about that awful email I sent you, I was just so incredibly disappointed. But you didn't deserve that. Please forgive me.

I guess what I'm saying here, is that in me you've got someone who thinks you're pretty wonderful and interesting and all I'm asking for is a chance to show you what you mean to me. Let me love you, let me know you and be a part of your life. You might be surprised by me too, there's more to me than meets the eye.

Love,

Rachel

Being honest

Praying hard

Please God, I really love this guy. Please lead us both. Please open
his eyes to me, to the unconditional love I have for him. I'd wait for
50+ years for him if I knew he was the one, and I would be so honoured
if he was.

I'm so all over the place right now. I don't  know what's wrong with me. One minute I feel good, and the next I feel like rubbish. (right now=rubbish)

2 iPods

I just found my iPod. Oops! I guess I should have stressed less and
looked harder.

I feel really bad today

When it comes to James, I have no self control. I can't seem to stop emailing him and then when I get no response I feel hurt and bad and like some crazy person who can't let this go. Every few weeks this happens. I'm trying so hard God, but this mountain that I have to climb in order to get over him, its just too hard. I can't do it God.  Please take me away from this, take him from my thoughts. I don't want to do this anymore God. Please help me.

You are my refuge, you are my tower. You heard me cry out in my
darkest hour. I called out in weakness you are my helper. You spread
your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is
higher than I.

Psalm 61

I'm really struggling

"There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept.
Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. And people we cant
live without, but have to let go"

I think that included in this should be something about things we need
to know but have no way of getting them. That's my thoughts anyway.

Please God

An answer to my questions from him would be nice. Please, I'm on my
knees.

Right now...

I just feel like screaming in frustration!!! It's not being able to do
anything to fix this that frustrates me!!!!!!!

Holidays

I've really felt the push lately to start making plans for my holidays in July. I have 2 weeks off and I am not going to sit at home and do nothing. I wish I'd saved better this year, but I've been working it out and its amazingly cheap to stay in NZ, at some youth hostels, as little as $17 a night. And flights are cheap too, cheaper than flying from Melbourne to Queensland. I'm thinking of flying to Auckland, then not sure where, then to Greymouth, Mt Cook and Christchurch. I'll have a few days in each place. So looking forward to it! (Wish I could share this with you James, and get your advice on it)

Love,

I just miss you. It's as simple as that. I'm
so tired of wasting time.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record...

But isn't it a compliment to tell someone they are attractive? I
always thought it was a nice thing to say, not a bad thing. But I
guess I don't know anymore...
And WHY on earth do I love someone who doesn't talk to me?
I just can't seem to stop, the feelings always come back, no matter
what he does. I guess I know there's more to him than the eye can see.
I love him, I just do and I feel so overwhelmed with this love and
with this longing to protect him and look after him and to be with
him. Is this what real love is? He is by far the most important person
to me. I can't look after him and take care of him God, so please can
you? I really feel like you've put it on my heart to show him
compassion and care, I've failed to do that at times, and now it's out
my hands really. All I can do is commit him to you. Please soften his heart towards you and towards
me. Thanks.

A few thoughts

New iPod. I didn't expect to get a new one so soon. The other (same)
one I got back in February, and it's just dissapeared. Made me pretty
angry, there was more on it than music you know? I guess it's good
that I at least can afford to get another one, that's something. But
still...
So wish I could see James right now, I just want to hold him close. A
few work girls were talking about relationships today and one said
when she first started seeing her partner, she wasn't very attracted
to him, but that came with time. James has given me a total of about 2
hours of face to face time. (I'm not counting the movie) How is that
long enough to make a decision about me? It's not. I wish he'd given
me more of a chance. And also, the more I think about things, the more
I'm pretty sure (even if his no was really just a no) that there are
other things going on with him. Please God, heal his heart. I know
he's been hurt. Protect him and shelter him. Please open his eyes to
me, to the love I have for him.