A letter and a prayer

James,

Common sense tells me that I should let go of this idea of you and me, that you've said no and I should accept that. But there's this other part of me that just can't let it go, a part of me that says 'wait and see' and 'fight for him'. That's what I've been doing James, fighting for you and hoping for you and praying for you. Call me crazy if you like, but you matter to me. I hope one day I'll hear from you again. It was such a privilege to be able to call you a friend James, if only for a little while. I want to be friends again someday, if only in heaven.

Rachel

God, only you know his heart. He means so much to me, please be with him, keep him safe, shelter and protect him. Thanks.

Ready for the weekend

Have just gone through Southern Cross stn, where all the country and
interstate trains leave from. I wish I could get on a train and go
somewhere. I'm also considering going to Perth for my July break. I
havn't been to the west part of Australia before. I'll look into how
much plane tickets are. After that I might start looking for a new
job. And right now I'm so hungry I could eat 10 pieces of toast, and
some cheese and some kabana and a small piece of cheescake and I could
really go for big glass of soft drink etc...etc...I havn't eaten much
today.

Take me away, million miles away from here...

Not feeling well

Feeling a bit hurt by some things I've remembered he's done (like the
way he sounded annoyed and brushed me off when I asked about getting a
coffee in March...& then he asked someone else out a few weeks later)
Also feeling a bit sick, I've had a pretty good run of good health
lately... But I guess it's better to be sick at home, where I can
rest, than at work. Despite having two days off I'm SO looking forward
to the weekend. Bring it on!!
God, I'm really missing James right now. Only you know what the future holds, but God this is such a hard
burden to bear. Please work this out God, if only for things to end
amicably. Please.

I hate it when...

I'm too tired to keep reading. (& it's a good book!)

I'm ignored and hurt and there has been no good reason for it.

Lots of school people are listing their status on fb as being 'no
longer single but in a relationship' : / why not me?

My arm gets tired while typing on tiny iPod keys...

I'm tired but can't sleep.

I feel bad about spending money.

I love someone and they don't love me back :'( (but I did say no more
of this didn't I? I'm trying...)

I love it when...

God hears and answers me, like in regards to the payslips thing.
Thanks.

Dear James

Struggling

God I'm struggling again, with it being over and me not wanting it to
be. Every time I hear that email notification I hope it's from him. It
never is though. I know he's not perfect and he's hurt me, but I can't
turn off how I feel. I still care

A beautiful day in the city today! So nice to have a day off!

And this... (loving tumblr right now!)

So does this...

Not feeling very good...this says it all...

Goodbye...

I think I'm going to bow out of this whole thing, gracefully I wish, but I feel anything but graceful. I think writing this and reading his twitter, it's stopping me from facing reality, from moving forward, it keeps me thinking and hoping for him. For my own wellbeing I need to stop this. If God chooses to work and allow something to happen in the future then that would be wonderful, but I'm tired of being ignored and hurt. I wish I understood why things ended, but I may never will understand and I need to accept that. I love you James G, I always will, you'll always be very dear to me. Please God, bless him, keep him safe today and always. Work in his heart. Thank you for him.

Sad

Lying here crying while typing James an email I'm not sure I'll send.

Struggling

I don't know what it is right now, but James I just miss you so much.
I hate this, you not talking to me. I wish I could see you and give
you a hug, and have the hug returned. I wish I knew what I'd done for
you to turn away, so I could fix things, somehow... Please God, help
me in this. I feel so lonely and lost. I don't want a future without
him. Please soften his heart to me, please open his eyes to me, to the
love I have for him. I wish I didn't feel so strongly for him God, but
I do, and it's torturous loving someone and getting nothing back. And
the temptation is there again to email him. Please God help me!

Please God, help him with his studies today. Please be with him, watch
over him and keep him safe. Thanks.

Lots of posts today...

Lying in bed thinking about my favorite person...please God restore us
as friends, please heal this rift. I would like to still be friends at
the very least. Please work a miracle God, as only you can. Thanks.

Not feeling so great again

Nothing significant has happened,  I'm just feeling worried about some work things, small things, but hassles, which need to be sorted. And I need to make some decisions about my July holidays. That's it for now. If you ever read this love, know that I'm thinking of you, hope your study went well tonight.

An ok afternoon

Feeling much better than before. I think I just needed to watch some
tv and do some craft. Looking forward to walking Nell soon, and
feeling ok about the James thing, at the moment anyway.

What I really feel like asking him atm (but I won't)

Will you ever talk to me again?

Clearly he doesn't want this, and by continuing to email him and by
not getting any response I feel like I'm harrasing him. But gee I feel
like crying today. It's like all the anger, stress and hurt that's
been building up has all become too much. (writing this helps though)

James...

Goodnight sweetheart, take care. I miss you.

Please God, protect him, keep him healthy and well. I want him to be around for the next 50+ years. Thanks.

I'm also really not keen to go to work today, I know I'm dragging my heels currently. Please be with me today, help me to be a help and to know what to do. Please help me not to take offence easily and to be friendly. Thanks.

Found this on tumblr... I like it.

'Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear you don't feel the same way for me. The problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.'

Love & all that

Feeling a little bit down again today. I keep going over things in my
head and I really don't understand what I did to be rejected as I was.
Mostly though I'm just hoping that sometime down the track James and I
will be together. So I'm sticking to my original plan, to just keep
loving him and praying for him, and to let God work in his time, if its his will.

A few things

Praying hard for God to work in James and soften him, and for me not
to become angry and hold a grudge.

No!!

Oops! I just dropped a chicken casserole all over the floor! If I
don't laugh I'll cry- all that work. It was kind of funny watching dad
trying to pick it up so we could still eat it. I don't think so...

My heart

James,
Just because you've said no and you don't like me, doesn't mean I can
just stop liking you. I can't switch those feelings off. I still care,
I still value you and appreciate you. Please God, will you watch over
him today please? Thanks for the good moments I had with him. You know
his heart, please save him God, if you havn't already. Please be with
him, help him, shelter and protect him. Thanks so much God, for this
most precious and dear person.
I'm not sure why but writing this post has made me tear up a bit, I
think because what I've written here is the true essence of my heart.
And that is, that while yes I've been angry, I am still very much FOR
James, and not against him, as my angry posts may have indicated.

How I feel right now...

• Bitterly disappointed
• angry
• hurt
• like I want to scream
• worthless
• not good enough
• drained
• desparate
• lonely
• unlovely
• in love... 

Feeling bad, again...

Still feeling yucky, because I've heard nothing. But I'm also accepting it as something that was probably inevitable. (I had just hoped it wasn't) Gery Tinkelenbergs words from 'all along the watchtower' sum up my life right now- there are many here among us who think that life's a joke. (as in, this seriously can't be real)

And please God be with lady on the train who's crying. Thankyou for her and will you please watch over her and give her your peace? Thanks.

Praying hard

Sitting in the park, waiting to go to work. I know in my heart that
this isn't over for me. As mentioned before, I really feel called to
love this person unconditionally, even though he doesn't love me back.
Please God, you know what's going on with James, please be with him
today and everyday. Please watch over him. Thanks so much for him.
Please, God soften his heart and work in him. Thanks.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

1. O soul, are you weary and troubled?
   No light in the darkness you see?
   There's light for a look at the Savior,
   And life more abundant and free!
   
   
   • Refrain:
     Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
     Look full in His wonderful face,
     And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
     In the light of His glory and grace.
2. Through death into life everlasting
   He passed, and we follow Him there;
   O'er us sin no more hath dominion
   For more than conquerors we are!
3. His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
   Believe Him, and all will be well:
   Then go to a world that is dying,
   His perfect salvation to tell!

I love the Hillsong version of this, particularly when the lead singer suddenly stops, and the crowd continues. Its like she's so moved by them all singing, she can't continue, if that makes sense?  This  hymn also reminds me of sitting in the little church in Bendigo last year. I'd never really listened to the words before, but I was struck by them then, particularly by the refrain. Such simple words, but they offer such hope and promise.

Please God

I went and he was there. I love this guy God, I look at him and I
can't help it. I feel so overwhelmed with love and admiration, and
with longing. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him
close. I miss him God. What do I do God? Just keep praying and letting
you work? I don't know, but seriously, the life I'm living now-
without him, I hate it. I don't want it. I want to be with him, but I
know it takes two for a relationship to happen. He's the one for me
God, please show me what to do. And please, please God, can you put it
on his heart to at least reply to the email? The thought of being
ignored again, when I feel so strongly for him, it kills me. Please be
merciful and hear me God. Please soften his heart towards me, open his
eyes to the love I have for him. Thanks God.

Feeling discouraged

So, at what point does not hearing from him become him just ignoring
me, rather than him just having ample time to think about what I asked
him? (if that makes sense?) I don't know, but I'm not feeling too
great about things. Probably by ignoring me he's hoping I'll go away,
and that thought hurts me. I still don't know what I did for him to
stop talking to me in the first place. This has been such a hurtful
experience. I just feel like curling up and dying. God, is it really
not meant to happen for James and me? I could see it so clearly in my
mind. Did I really get it all wrong?
Should I go to church tonight God? I know if he was there I would be
distracted by him, and going to church just to see him is not the
right reason to go. Please show me God. Thanks.

Waiting

That's what I've been doing. I worry that I'm going to be ignored
again and that im going to be hurt again. (as I've said) I need to
keep reminding myself that God is in control, I need to trust that if
its his plan, that he will work in James heart and soften it towards
me. Please God, hear me and answer my prayers please. Thanks:)

Just sent him an email. And now the waiting begins.... Please God,
only you know what the future holds. Please, if it's your will open
his eyes to me, to the love I want to give him. And if he says no can
you (as only you can) help me to accept it. I really love this person
God and want to know him and be a part of his life. Thanks God, for
all the things you do for me.
(I'm shaking with nerves!!)

Afraid but want to take the risk

Lying here in the dark fighting the temptation to email James & ask if
he will reconsider me. It's been a while since things really ended,
but I'm afraid not enough time has passed. And there's that niggling
fear that I'll again be made to feel like a nusance or will be ignored
again. I don't think I could handle that. But there's that tiny voice
in my head saying 'go on, ask him, he's worth the risk'. What should I
do God?

Goodnight James

Questions

Why did you just stop talking to me James? What did I do? Was I too
full on? Those weeks over summer talking to you were so amazing for
me. I'll never forget them. It's been so long since I've seen you or
heard your voice but you still mean so much to me. Please God will
you watch over him tonight? Thanks

Thank you God

Another day has passed, I wasn't rostered on to work but was called in, so I worked from 9am to 5.45pm. I don't often do long days like that anymore. Next week looks to be busy too, from memory I think I'm rostered on 4 or 5 days, so the work is picking up a bit. This means I'll be able to afford to go on holidays in July (I have the time off, but wasn't sure I'd have the money) but at the same time I'm really not happy working at TK and don't want to still be there in July. So I havn't made any bookings.

Thanks God for all you do for me. I know I ask for alot but don't always express thanks as I should. Thanks for Felix and Angelica. I do love these little children God and look forward to seeing them each week. Please take care of them God, and help Angelica to walk and Felix to make progress as he should. Thanks for this job God, its been so amazing how you've provided it for me. You knew what I needed, thanks. Please help me to stay positive, to work hard, to have a good attitude about it and to not take offense easily. Please show me what path to take next in regards to my employment.
Thanks for our pets God. Will particularly has been a faithful companion to me when I've had no one else.
Thanks for hearing my prayer and for LM ringing JW last night. It was important that she did.
Thanks again for James, God, for bringing him to my attention. I love him God, and my constant, unchanging prayer for him is that you will be with him, please protect him, show your favour and kindness to him and please provide for him.

Listening to Hungry (On My Knees) at the moment, and I now know the version on my ipod is by Kathryn Scott. Such a good song to live by.

A few things on my mind

In regards to James, I wonder at times if I really love him, or if its more that I like the idea of him as someone who can give me a different life. But I do love him, I know deep down I do, its something I can't explain, and the doubts that I have come from him saying no to me. But he's so precious to me. The love I have for him, I really feel like its something God has laid on my heart to do- to love this person unconditionally and to show him compassion. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to love him, if that makes sense? Anyway, I'm really missing him right now, and looking forward to hopefully seeing him Sunday. (its been a while)
Please God, lead me and lead James too. Please show us the way God. If its in your plan, please open his eyes to me God, show me whether I should keep waiting for him or whether I should move on.

James, I love you and miss you.

Better is one day in your courts O Lord, than a thousand elsewhere. Psalm 84:10

Weary

Another not so easy day at work. Please help tomorrow to be better God.

A sun and shield

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

Please God, I'm trying...

More worries and fears

God, again I'm struggling. I'm feeling worried about this thing with James again. I know you say not to worry, but I can't seem to help it. I'm lonely for him God, and I don't want him to start seeing someone else. I know that if you mean for us to be together, then we will be in your time. And I know I don't need to be concerned about this other person if we are to be together in time, but the thought of him being with someone else, of simply liking someone else, its such a hard thing to take. Please God, open his eyes to the possibility of me, of the love and support I want to give him. I don't know why, but today I've just longed for him, more than usual.

And please God, go with me in my work this week, please help to be a help, to know what to do and help me not to take offence easily. Please help me to know how to work with K, R, S and all the others. Please help to find a new job. Thanks.

I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.


~Ida Stanphill

Please God...

Hi God, its me again...

And yet another day... they go by so fast. The weekends are certainly not long enough for me to be able to do everything I want to do.

God, again I'm trying to humble my self before you and live my life your way, and not mine. Please God, can you see this and show favour towards me. Please turn James towards me. Please open his eyes and soften his heart towards me. I really miss him and keep hoping to hear from him, but it never happens. Please bless him and keep him in your care today and always. Please provide for him too. Thanks.

Home alone...

And I love it! I've just needed space and peace and quiet lately and I've had that today! Very nice.

Had enough!

Another day where I've felt like I'm absolutely dying. I feel like saying 'I really didn't ask for this crappy life. Will things ever change and be better- and I don't mean in heaven, I mean here on earth?' Its just one thing after another, constantly. And the only thing that's keeping me here is a lack of money- or else I'd just take off and never look back. I'd leave everything behind and make a new life for myself. I know I should look forward to heaven where everything will be perfect, but God- I want to be loved by someone here on earth, just one person. Is that too much to ask? I know that you love me, but I want romantic love.

I wish I could get on a plane...

Feeling a bit all over the place again today, but mostly I just feel sad that all this has happened, and I wish I could just get on a plane and fly away. I'd never return. The other thing is, I realised I've been struggling with the idea of letting God work in James, and I'm finding it hard to be patient. By this, I mean that I want to contact James, I want to hear from him and ask him if he will reconsider me. I know its not the right time, I don't know if it ever will be, and if it ever will be, it will be in God's perfect time. And like I've already said, I seriously can't handle another no or another ignored email from him. Its hard waiting to see whether things will ever happen with us...and I'm worrying (which is such an incredibly hard thing not to do!) that things will happen between him and this other person, and I just can't handle that. The thought of him being with someone else, of loving someone else just kills me.

Another (lonely) day

I've made it through another day without you James, life really does go on, even if I don't want it to, but I still miss you and often wish that I could run into you sometime so we could talk, particularly when I'm on the train going home. I look out the window and wish I could see you at the station. I pray God will bless and keep you in his care tonight and all other days, dear James. Please God, soften his heart towards me.