Looking back I can see it was kind of maybe not such a good idea to
write down every thought I had regarding that person who I started
writing this for. It seems a bit crazy...I guess I was so set on being
honest and real and used this as an outlet... I guess I can learn from
this mistake..

There are so many things I want to write about. I said I didn't want to do this anymore, but I do want to write it (if only for myself) but just change the focus of it. I started out writing this for someone as a way of showing them that I love them and as a way of praying for him, but that relationship hasn't worked out. I'm still praying, but what I'm writing about is changing.

This year has been a hard one, but for the first time I think ever, in my life, I've learnt and am learning what it means to be a true Christian. God has been with me through the hard times, the things that have happened this year have really made me rely on Him as I never have before. Its a good feeling, to be on the right track. I just want to live 100% for him. One thing that I've felt I need to change is watching tv. I especially don't want to watch Home and Away and Neighbours anymore, they are just rubbish and don't help me to be a Christian. I can now see that my parents had good reasons for not allowing us to watch these shows when we were children. Watching these shows also doesn't help me to be healthy inside, if that makes sense? The relationship stuff is what I've liked about these shows, and they aren't God honouring relationships, and watching them makes me want those kinds of relationships too. (Did that make sense?? I don't know? Its hard to explain) And the other reason for not watching those shows (or any tv) is that when I leave here and live on my own, I don't want a tv in my house. And if I ever have children I don't want them watching tv either.

The other thing is, for the first time in such I long time, I wish I had Christian friends. For me, I've never wanted friends, I've just wanted a boyfriend, that's what I've wanted and wished for for such a long time. But now, I wish I had Christian friends who I could pray for and who I could ask to pray for me. This really feels like a 'God' thing to me. If anyone ever reads this and would like me to pray for them, I'd be happy to, let me know.

And another thing, when writing this in the past, and in my general attitude towards life, I've been critical and impatient with people. Lately there's been this reminder in my head to 'tread lightly on people'. I do want to be kinder, more patient and less critical of others, just as I would want them to be kind and patient with me. So no more putting people down in this and hopefully in real life too.

God has been good to me in my life, looking back I can see that. Hard things have happened, but he has stood by me, and the least I can do is live my life for him.

I hate when I'm too tired to do anything at the end if the day...

I really love the hillsong song The One Who Saves at the moment. And I
love Ben fieldings explanation of it on YouTube. Makes me look forward
to going to heaven, to going home. I wish I'd already had my kids and
they were grown so I could die and be with Jesus. That's the only
thing I want in this life, to be a parent.

So no more Gella. Please take care of her God, and if it's in your
plans please let her stay at TK, but maybe move up with me as her
carer? Thanks God. Please I ask again, deal with Kylie. She is just so
awful in her behaviour. I can't stand her God, she's such an
incredibly difficult person to be around. Please bring her out of her
self. Really convict her. Thanks.
Please God, help me in finding work, in finding accomodation and in
my relationships too. Please take away the anger and rage that's
starting to eat at me. I know you don't like it and it's not healthy
to be so consumed with anger and hatred for other people. Help me
please to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. Thanks for all you do
for me.

Nothing ahead of me is bigger or stronger than the power of God behind
me.
Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

I'm at the airport, waiting to board the plane. No hassles with the
weight of my suitcase or getting through customs, although I was asked
to try and drink half a bottle of juice before proceeding through to
the international terminal. The security lady also searched my bag
after x-raying it. She had a look at those plastic security tamper
proof tags and commented that she thought they were too small to be
used to hand cuff someone! When checking my bag in i was asked if I
wanted an isle seat and because my seat is at an emergency exit would
I be willing to assist staff in an emergency! I've never been asked
anything like that before, I wonder if that's the norm? I said sure!
And another good thing, I took a shuttle to the airport, expecting it
to cost $15, it only cost $10! (I think the driver didn't have enough
change!?)
I'm really enjoying listening to the new hillsong cd. I really like
The one who saves, a good song.
So looking forward to seeing will and Nell! But as for everything else
at home, I don't know. I just really need a change, a new job and a
new house.
*alot of very tired people (including me) on this plane. There's no
talking, just the sounds of the plane.