Rethinking things

Feeling a bit down again today, and also feeling that I won't ever tell him about this, enless something happens first. I just couldn't handle another no. In the light of day, it makes more sense for me to just keep praying and depending on God to work in James, if its his will. But this is hard work, waiting and not knowing and also dealing with being ignored and unwanted right now.

Just a note...

Dear James,

How are you? I hope you are well. One day, when the time feels right I might share this blog with you and ask if you will reconsider me. This whole blog thing, its meant to show you just what you mean to me. It may seem a little crazy and out there, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

Love, Rachel

Dissapointed and unsure about everything

Sitting here, waiting, hoping, praying (!!) but really not thinking its going to happen :'( Why God? I'm trying so hard to honor you in my life. Doesn't that account for anything? Why hasn't James come? When will the next opportunity come for us to talk? I want to resolve things and if things are to end, I want for them to end on a good note. I miss him God, with every part of me. Why doesn't he want to know me anymore? Why did he turn his back on me? Why doesn't he want me? Please God, hear me and answer my prayers. Restore us Oh Lord God Almighty, as only you can. Let him see me God and recognise that this thing with me is not a bad thing, but a good thing. I love and cherish him God, more than anyone else. Please reveal this to him, please make him realise this in time. Please bring to his rememberence all the ways I've tried to show him what he means to me. Please God, open his eyes to me. Please lead us and guide us God, and please watch over my most precious friend today and always. Thankyou.

Edited to add, he didn't come... :'(

"You are my refuge, you are my tower, you heard me cry out in my darkest hour. I called out in weakness, you are my helper, you spread your mighty wings and give me shelter."

A prayer for tonight

Please God, James will be here tonight for the hockey meeting. Please, can we meet. I know it seems unlikely that he would approach me, but I would like him to God. We don't often have opportunities like this. Please restore us to each other, if only as friends. I don't understand what I did for him to turn away, and I hate that there has been no resolution to all this. Please God can we talk? I miss him and would like to see him. Please God, can you work it out so we at least part as friends?

Please God, be with James today and always. Thank you.

Facebook and other things

Feeling really tired currently but I heard Angus and Julia Stone's song 'All of me' tonight, and like always, the words get me every time. Particularly these,

Is there a remedy for waiting
For loves victorious return?
Is there a remedy for hating
Every second that I'm without you?

They just sum up everything I'm feeling right now. I do hate every second that I'm without James. I feel lost without him, like I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Life is not interesting without him.

The other thing is, is that I really shouldn't look at people's facebook pages- it makes me depressed. I'm interested to know what people who I've known/been aquainted with in the past are doing now days. But what depresses me (and astounds me) is that people who were not such nice individuals in school have somehow managed to make themselves into lovable human beings- at least to someone. I don't understand that. I think of certain people and wonder 'how can anyone love them??' And then I wonder what's so unlovable about me? I'm a nice person. I try not to treat people unkindly, but to give them a chance. There's more to me than meets the eye. That's really what I wanted James to see, I wanted him to look beyond what he could see, but low and behold... he didn't. I hope he will one day.

Feeling weary

This waiting thing, it sure is testing me. I've told myself that I would wait 50 years for James if he was 'the one', but I'm already feeling tired and weary and its really only been a month or two since I started this stretch of waiting. This thing with James, I'm up and down about it. There are times when I go back and read his sweet emails and I think back to certain moments where I've seen him and been near him and havn't been able to help falling in love with him, and then there are other moments where I feel angry and hurt by him for being insensitive and unkind. Right now I just miss him and long to wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I want to feel his arms around me too.

What I'm really struggling with is not knowing God's will for me, for us, in this- whether there will ever be an us. I'll admit that this is one of the reasons I've been seeking to put God first and to try and acknowledge him in all things- because I want him to lead me and show me. I know better than to expect him guide me in life if I'm refusing to live my life according to his rules. It just doesn't work that way.

So I'm praying alot at the moment for God to show me whether to wait for James or whether to move on, because honestly, I don't know what to do. Please God, hear my prayers. I'm trying so hard to live my life according to your ways.

My Father who lives in Heaven, please bless and keep my dear friend James in your care today and always. Please lead and guide us both. God, if its your will please restore us to each other, bring us together. Please God open James eyes, let him see what I see and what you see- that in me he never has to feel that he'll be rejected or ridiculed. Please bring to his remembrance and realisation all the ways that I've tried to show him that I'm different to all the others- that in me he will see not just another person, but rather someone who values him, appreciates him and wants to be a part of his life. Please God open his eyes.

Getting back on track...

Though this whole experience has been an incredibly painful and hard one to experience, one thing I've learnt through it, is that I need to get my priorities straight in life. I've realised that James (or anyone else) can't be number one in my life- God must come first and than others. I waited so long to meet and get to know James, and so when I did, nothing was as important to me in life as hearing from and knowing him. I realise now that wasn't right. I idolised him and I shouldn't have. I think for me the ultimate measure of worth and value (as far as I myself am concerned) is finding someone who will love me unconditionally, without reservation- in a romantic way. I wanted someone to share my life with and who would share their's with me. This is the kind of love I have craved and wanted and sought for so long, and to finally have found a potential person who might have fullfilled this need- well, you can imagine how consuming it was. But it wasn't right. So I'm trying my best to put God first now, to always seek his will and to honor him with my life. It's not easy but I'm going to keep trying and doing my best. One way I'm working at my relationship with God is by trying not to watch specific TV shows anymore. I like my TV so this isn't easy, but yeah... I know he will help me.
One song that I'm really enjoying right now is 'Hungry (Falling On My Knees)'. I have it on my ipod and often listen to it particularly (as opposed to other songs) while sitting in the park in the early mornings waiting to go to work. Anyway, I love the words, they remind me of who should be most important in my life- Jesus. And they tell me that he is all I need in life. I so desperately want the words to ring true for me. I don't know who sang it originally but I love it. It tells me that even if James never loves me back and never acknowledges me again, there is someone who loves and cares about me and that should be enough.

hungry

hungry I come to You
for I know You satisfy
I am empty
but I know Your love does not run dry
and I wait
and I wait
so I wait for You
so I wait for You

chorus
I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You
for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
so I'll wait for You
so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

hungry I come to you,
for I know You satisfy