More worries and fears

God, again I'm struggling. I'm feeling worried about this thing with James again. I know you say not to worry, but I can't seem to help it. I'm lonely for him God, and I don't want him to start seeing someone else. I know that if you mean for us to be together, then we will be in your time. And I know I don't need to be concerned about this other person if we are to be together in time, but the thought of him being with someone else, of simply liking someone else, its such a hard thing to take. Please God, open his eyes to the possibility of me, of the love and support I want to give him. I don't know why, but today I've just longed for him, more than usual.

And please God, go with me in my work this week, please help to be a help, to know what to do and help me not to take offence easily. Please help me to know how to work with K, R, S and all the others. Please help to find a new job. Thanks.

I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.


~Ida Stanphill

Please God...

Hi God, its me again...

And yet another day... they go by so fast. The weekends are certainly not long enough for me to be able to do everything I want to do.

God, again I'm trying to humble my self before you and live my life your way, and not mine. Please God, can you see this and show favour towards me. Please turn James towards me. Please open his eyes and soften his heart towards me. I really miss him and keep hoping to hear from him, but it never happens. Please bless him and keep him in your care today and always. Please provide for him too. Thanks.

Home alone...

And I love it! I've just needed space and peace and quiet lately and I've had that today! Very nice.

Had enough!

Another day where I've felt like I'm absolutely dying. I feel like saying 'I really didn't ask for this crappy life. Will things ever change and be better- and I don't mean in heaven, I mean here on earth?' Its just one thing after another, constantly. And the only thing that's keeping me here is a lack of money- or else I'd just take off and never look back. I'd leave everything behind and make a new life for myself. I know I should look forward to heaven where everything will be perfect, but God- I want to be loved by someone here on earth, just one person. Is that too much to ask? I know that you love me, but I want romantic love.

I wish I could get on a plane...

Feeling a bit all over the place again today, but mostly I just feel sad that all this has happened, and I wish I could just get on a plane and fly away. I'd never return. The other thing is, I realised I've been struggling with the idea of letting God work in James, and I'm finding it hard to be patient. By this, I mean that I want to contact James, I want to hear from him and ask him if he will reconsider me. I know its not the right time, I don't know if it ever will be, and if it ever will be, it will be in God's perfect time. And like I've already said, I seriously can't handle another no or another ignored email from him. Its hard waiting to see whether things will ever happen with us...and I'm worrying (which is such an incredibly hard thing not to do!) that things will happen between him and this other person, and I just can't handle that. The thought of him being with someone else, of loving someone else just kills me.

Another (lonely) day

I've made it through another day without you James, life really does go on, even if I don't want it to, but I still miss you and often wish that I could run into you sometime so we could talk, particularly when I'm on the train going home. I look out the window and wish I could see you at the station. I pray God will bless and keep you in his care tonight and all other days, dear James. Please God, soften his heart towards me.