Saturday, July 31, 2010

Looking back I can see it was kind of maybe not such a good idea to
write down every thought I had regarding that person who I started
writing this for. It seems a bit crazy...I guess I was so set on being
honest and real and used this as an outlet... I guess I can learn from
this mistake..
There are so many things I want to write about. I said I didn't want to do this anymore, but I do want to write it (if only for myself) but just change the focus of it. I started out writing this for someone as a way of showing them that I love them and as a way of praying for him, but that relationship hasn't worked out. I'm still praying, but what I'm writing about is changing.
This year has been a hard one, but for the first time I think ever, in my life, I've learnt and am learning what it means to be a true Christian. God has been with me through the hard times, the things that have happened this year have really made me rely on Him as I never have before. Its a good feeling, to be on the right track. I just want to live 100% for him. One thing that I've felt I need to change is watching tv. I especially don't want to watch Home and Away and Neighbours anymore, they are just rubbish and don't help me to be a Christian. I can now see that my parents had good reasons for not allowing us to watch these shows when we were children. Watching these shows also doesn't help me to be healthy inside, if that makes sense? The relationship stuff is what I've liked about these shows, and they aren't God honouring relationships, and watching them makes me want those kinds of relationships too. (Did that make sense?? I don't know? Its hard to explain) And the other reason for not watching those shows (or any tv) is that when I leave here and live on my own, I don't want a tv in my house. And if I ever have children I don't want them watching tv either.
The other thing is, for the first time in such I long time, I wish I had Christian friends. For me, I've never wanted friends, I've just wanted a boyfriend, that's what I've wanted and wished for for such a long time. But now, I wish I had Christian friends who I could pray for and who I could ask to pray for me. This really feels like a 'God' thing to me. If anyone ever reads this and would like me to pray for them, I'd be happy to, let me know.
And another thing, when writing this in the past, and in my general attitude towards life, I've been critical and impatient with people. Lately there's been this reminder in my head to 'tread lightly on people'. I do want to be kinder, more patient and less critical of others, just as I would want them to be kind and patient with me. So no more putting people down in this and hopefully in real life too.
God has been good to me in my life, looking back I can see that. Hard things have happened, but he has stood by me, and the least I can do is live my life for him.
I hate when I'm too tired to do anything at the end if the day...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I really love the hillsong song The One Who Saves at the moment. And I
love Ben fieldings explanation of it on YouTube. Makes me look forward
to going to heaven, to going home. I wish I'd already had my kids and
they were grown so I could die and be with Jesus. That's the only
thing I want in this life, to be a parent.

Monday, July 26, 2010

So no more Gella. Please take care of her God, and if it's in your
plans please let her stay at TK, but maybe move up with me as her
carer? Thanks God. Please I ask again, deal with Kylie. She is just so
awful in her behaviour. I can't stand her God, she's such an
incredibly difficult person to be around. Please bring her out of her
self. Really convict her. Thanks.
Please God, help me in finding work, in finding accomodation and in
my relationships too. Please take away the anger and rage that's
starting to eat at me. I know you don't like it and it's not healthy
to be so consumed with anger and hatred for other people. Help me
please to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. Thanks for all you do
for me.
Nothing ahead of me is bigger or stronger than the power of God behind
Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I'm at the airport, waiting to board the plane. No hassles with the
weight of my suitcase or getting through customs, although I was asked
to try and drink half a bottle of juice before proceeding through to
the international terminal. The security lady also searched my bag
after x-raying it. She had a look at those plastic security tamper
proof tags and commented that she thought they were too small to be
used to hand cuff someone! When checking my bag in i was asked if I
wanted an isle seat and because my seat is at an emergency exit would
I be willing to assist staff in an emergency! I've never been asked
anything like that before, I wonder if that's the norm? I said sure!
And another good thing, I took a shuttle to the airport, expecting it
to cost $15, it only cost $10! (I think the driver didn't have enough
I'm really enjoying listening to the new hillsong cd. I really like
The one who saves, a good song.
So looking forward to seeing will and Nell! But as for everything else
at home, I don't know. I just really need a change, a new job and a
new house.
*alot of very tired people (including me) on this plane. There's no
talking, just the sounds of the plane.
> This it I think. I fly out of NZ in about 2 hours so no more of this
> after I get home. I've mostly enjoyed my trip. I guess I was a
> little disapointed in how similar the bigger cities were to
> Australian cities, but I've come away having seen some beautiful
> parts of the world God has made. He has done an amazing job. Thanks
> God, for being with me through every part of this trip. With you by
> my side I've been kept safe and I'm so thankful to you for that,
> thankyou. Please help me in going home too and in doing what I need
> to there. Thanks God, for all you do for me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I feel lousy... I don't know what to do here : / I wish I could go home tonight. I'll survive, but I'm considering staying in a nice hotel for my last night, even though I will have to leave for the airport at 3am. At least that way I'd be guarenteed a good night's sleep. The yh I'm in (Rollerston house) is pretty hopeless. For example, the only powerpoint available for use in the hostel is in the stairwell! It actually looks like  some powerpoints have been removed. There are lots of other not so great things about it. It truly is 'budget'!!!
I bought a new Hillsong cd, called ' A beautiful exchange'. I like what I've heard of it so far. I love the This is our God album by them.
Maybe indian for dinner again tonight. I feel like it, after chinese last night. And there is a fudge making tour at 2pm this arvo, for $15, so..I don't know?
I finished Danger in the Shadows last night. Its definelty the best of Dee H's. I wish I had the next one of hers so I could read it. Oh well, in a few days.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I love...

- Felix and Angelica (i've missed them)
- getting into a good book (Danger in the Shadows by Dee Henderson at the moment. Its scary to read at night though)
- winning against the ipod in Romi
- Picton indian takeaway
- LM, who says she misses me, and likes hearing my voice on the phone. She appreciates the photos I've emailed, and has bought me new pillows and changed my sheets for me while I've been away. She wants to go out for lunch the Sunday I return.  She is lovely.
- The perfume Chloe, which I bought today. Its so beautiful. (almost intoxicating)
- Nice hotels (not tonight :'( )
-The song Losing Again, by Dj Shah
-Cheap internet here in Christchurch

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm not going to write this anymore once my trip is over. I started out writing this for someone and that hasn't worked out, so...I don't know. How I feel hasn't changed, although I'm really over being ignored and hurt. I'm just not going to put my self out there where he's concerned anymore. Its too disapointing when nothing ever happens.
Kaikoura was nice, if lacking in enough interesting shops and a decent bus service. (I walked about 30km in 3 days!) The scenery was beautiful and I really enjoyed the whale and dolphin watching tour. Loved the hundreds of Dusky dolphins swimming along side the boat. Fiona who worked in the YH there was so lovely and helpful too. I won't forget her.
I'm in Picton now. I had planned to go back to Christchurch and then to Greymouth but changed my plans. Picton is beautiful, very scenic. And I'm in a nice hostel, not run by the YHA. I have my own room, double bed, and breakfast is included! Its great! A bit more money, but its worth it.
Delicious indian takeaway here. Nothing much else is open because its winter. I had it last night and will have it again tonight. And I've decided to buy dad some NZ fudge as a souvenir, which solves all that. From an op shop here today, I found a simple white smocked dress which I thought I could wash and embroider further and give to my SIL if she has a girl in December. Otherwise I'll just put it away.
Not alot else to say really. Please forgive me James, for whatever it is you have against me. I hold no grudges and will always wish you well. I'm really sorry.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Very disapointing start to the day. Its been raining here and the fog has completly covered the alps. I trudged all the way from the hostel to the station for the tour, to find it was cancelled because of the weather. I've been booked in for another tomorrow which finishes just in time for the train back to Christchurch. Please God, can the weather be fine. The tour is why I've come here.
Another really nice person who I've met while travelling was Ivan, who gave me lots of good info on Kaikoura and the train trip up here. He lives in youth hostels! Im not sure I could do that, always having to share a room and a thanks.
For lunch locally caught crayfish, with chips and salad. Was nice and I've been wanting to try seafood while here. I would have rather it been cold though. (the crayfish) This arvo I went for a walk (I've walked another 10km today) to a seal colony. It was great. I read that the big, bulky seals are males and the lighter looking, more pear shaped seals are the females. They didn't seem at all bothered by humans.
I went to bed feeling angry last night, and woke up feeling angry with life and other people and with God. I'm sorry God, please forgive me and help me to be kind and patient with people. Thanks.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Kaikoura is beautiful. The alps and the coast are just amazing. The air is fresh here and its quiet. Funnily though, the sand on the beach is very dark and very coarse, and its unwalkable, its just too hard. I've walked about 10 km today, the youth hostel is 2km from the town and buses here seem nonexistent. At least its a nice walk.
I've been in the wars today, bumping my head on a metal rail on the train and falling over in a ditch. :(
I went for a walk to the movie theatre tonight, the only movie to be shown was 'Dear John' which I wouldn't have minded seeing. But the actual movie reel wasnt there! Such bad business. There was talk of waiting until other people showed up and then screening something else, but like I've said, I won't go and pay to see a movie just for the sake of seeing a movie. How should a Christian respond when something like this happens? Perhaps I should be patient and kind, but shouldn't people be taught to be more responsible and reliable? I don't know, sometimes people need to learn.
Why James? What have I ever done to you? This isn't right.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


                                        View from the train station

Found him while walking on the beach

Christchurch, but only for one night

Shortest flight ever! Seemed to take about 15 minutes. I only just seemed to get into my seat and the plane was preparing to land. Over an hour and a half late for such a short flight. A few good things though, I got a window seat and the seat next to me was free, so a bit more room. Also good was the very helpful bus driver who pointed out so clearly where I needed to go to get to the youth hostel. As a result it was nice and easy to find. I wonder if he was a Christian? There was this kind of old (60's?) guy on the bus playing his music quite loudly through his ipod, and I realised after a while it was Christian music. He was also really helpful in directing me to the youth hostel. There was also this very kind airport lady (Rita) who was such a gracious help to me when checking in and I also noticed her being kind to another lady who seemed to have lost something on a plane. I wondered if she was a Christian too. There have been some really kind hearted people who I've met on my travels. I want to be like them.
I'm off to Kaikoura tomorrow, the train leaves at 7am, so another early morning. Whats great though is that there is a shuttle bus every morning from the hostel to the station. Works out perfectly. I'm off for a short look around Christchurch now.
Please keep me safe tonight God. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Still here in Wellington, still waiting... I found a purfume I love
(called chloe) in the duty free store here but can't buy it because
I'm not flying internationally. Maybe on the way home. I also bought a
$5 sim card so I can call home. I didn't realize how much I needed to
until I couldn't work out how to call internationally. But I worked it
out. Feeling a bit yucky, it's the same stuff. I know in my head I
can't rely on others to make me happy but my heart just won't let me
walk away. I feel like a first prized idiot everytime I email him and
I don't get a reply. What's wrong with me, that I just can't accept
things as they are. I feel really bad, but I don't know how to fix
things, I don't know what to do.


Flight to Christchurch has been delayed by an hour and ten minutes,
means more time spent waiting. (I've never had this happen before)

I love...

•The song 'BBQ with friends' by dj shah (I could listen to it over
and over)
•my dad's mum. She's not perfect, but she can be so lovely and
thoughtful. She's a true friend to me.
•milkyway chocolate stars found here in NZ.
•a quiet room & sewing on holidays.
•my SIL, who surprised me with a lovely text today.
•the fact that I have a PowerPoint right next to my bed here. Means
phone, iPod, camera battery are all able to be charged easily, and
there's no fighting people for them. (seems trivial I know but it
•kind bus drivers (like the one who was so understanding and took me
back to the zoo today)
+free wifi at Wellington airport!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I have to type fast because I've only paid for a half hour on the internet and 12 minutes have already passed. (I hate being rushed like this) Bit of a stressful day here in Wellington. I'm ready to move onto Christchurch. Even though the stresfull stuff has passed I still feel tense, it always takes me a while to unwind from things like this. I went to the Wellington zoo today, was good, although quite alot of exhibits were closed. But I loved the red pandas and the pelican. There were even dingos there, and they are walked by zoo staff like domestic dogs. What was stressful was me leaving my camera in the giftshop and not realising till much later when I was back in the city. Took me a while to remember where I left it. It sounds trivial now, but it was just a bit much. I feared something like this would happen, and it did. It was abit like me losing the ipod again, very unfun. I'm going to be much more careful from now on.
I've just had a nice dinner and am trying to enjoy myself once again, fresh bread, cheese, kabana, chips, chocolate and another cherry coke. (which I think I like more than dr pepper)I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. I think I fly out of here after 4pm. Will be rugging up because I hear Christchurch is cold and they get snow there. Will be a nice change of scenery though.Its still pretty early here (6:18pm/4:18 pm Melbourne time) but I'm tired and ready to go and rest. I havn't quite adjusted to the time change yet, so still find myself waking at 5am, even though its 7am here. Wish I could sleep in, but I can't no matter how hard I try. Oh well, I guess I'll survive. I keep thinking, the girls at work still have 2 hours till they finish and its dark here! I guess it was probably a good thing I was on my own today so noone (who I care what they think) could see me lose it.But still, wish I could see you dear James, or just hear your voice. I'd love to buy you some dr pepper while here, but anyway... (I'll  enjoy one for you instead ;) ) Take care.

Wellington and soldiering on...

Having a nice time here in Wellington. I think I've recovered from my 2am start yesterday. (What was I thinking booking such an early flight??) I slept in the afternoon. Auckland was good. I enjoyed the zoo particularly. Wellington has a few more hills than Auckland but seems much the same. I wish I knew what to get people for souvenirs though. Some people are easy, others are not. I might go to the zoo here too, and maybe to the Carter observatory, I don't know yet. I struggle with that, with not knowing what to do in places like this. Its trivial I guess, but God has gone with me and I always figure things out with his help. Thanks God. I'm really looking forward to going to Kaikoura later this week. That's where the dolphin and whale watching tour is. At the supermarket here, you can buy imported cans of soft drink, like cherry coke, tizzel and dr pepper. So dr pepper for breakfast this morning, was very nice with some crossoints.
Wish you were here James, or I was with you. How's things with you? Thinking of you and praying for you friend.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Teach me how to live to please you because you're my God. Psalm 143,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

+ My legs feel like they are going to fall off!
+ the woolworths here is called countdown, same logo, basically same foods (except for island eggplants, and these tiny finger size bananas) just a different name!
+ they sell timtam biscuits here, I'm surprised!
+ the store was insanely busy, with long lines of people at each checkout! (supermarkets in melbourne are obviously doing something right. I should learn to be more patient)
+ supermarkets in NZ sell chilled beer, in this one, opposite the chips and snacks! (no separate liquor store)
+ this shopping plaza smells bad :(
+ I wish mum would ring (or Jo would text me back)
+ I had no idea what a 'britomart' was, I asked when looking for the supermarket. It's the trainstation!
+ I want to go and see a movie but there is nothing I really want to see and I won't go and see a movie just for the sake of seeing one.
+ from a sign I just read, it seems that you have to pay to borrow things from the library here, with the 6th being free. I don't think I'd go to the library if I lived here. (not that I go at home either though)
+ I feel like I know Queen st, Auckland pretty well.
+ despite knowing I can spend money now I'm on holiday, I still feel uneasy about it. It's that old feeling I used to get when I was a uni student and had no money, and I just can't shake it : /
+ I love the physical characteristics of traditional New Zealanders, they are beautiful looking people.
+ I really like the song Rude Boy by Beyonce at the moment.
+ somehow, amazingly, the time on my phone has adjusted it's self to NZ time, without me touching it! (cool!)
+ I wish I wasn't here on my own.
+ I don't know if I want to do this anymore...

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Hmm... I just read that the beach I walked on this morning (Onetangi)
is 'clothes optional'. It was way too cold even with clothes on!
Hmmm... Waiheke Island= dissapointing and expensive to get there,
lunch at Sonamoo also= dissapointing. (cold, stodgy food) however,
finding possom wool=awesome! I need some chocolate, or something.
So far, Auckland maccas = much better than Aussie maccas. It's
cheaper, and has self serve drinks, meaning you can go back for
more!! Auckland seems very touristy, lots of travelex's, souvenir
stores and youth hostels. But basically in most ways it's similar to
other cities. It also feels really late in the day, because it's
dark. NZ is two hours ahead of Melbourne.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Work is done for two weeks. I leave for NZ tomorrow. I plan to eat nice food, take plenty of photos, send some postcards, buy some souvenirs (I've had a request for possom wool if it's not too expensive) and see some beautiful beaches. Should be great! (wish it were for longer!) Please go with me God.
Please take care of Felix and Angelica while I'm gone God. It's not that I don't trust other people with them, but I know them best and i know they get unsettled when they don't have consistency. Please be with them, and give them peace. I really love these little kids God, but I know you love them more. Thankyou for them.
Please God, convict Kylie of her behaviour. She is just out of control. Please bring her out of herself. Thanks. And thanks for hearing my prayer about Holly this morning.
On the way home now, I plan to buy some butter on the way so I can make some cupcakes with butter (not marg!) icing. I felt like them this morning.
(wish you were coming with me on my holiday James, or I could send you postcards and buy you a gift while there...will be thinking of you love)

I don't know what to say really... I'm sick of hoping and wishing and of
wanting to be with someone so badly and of always, always being
dissapointed- in his hurtful silence that says 'go away' so clearly,
and in myself for being unable to walk away from this person. It
doesn't seem to matter what he does or how many times he ignores me, I
still long for him, to hear the sound of his voice, and to feel his
arms around me.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

You are my refuge, you are my tower. You heard me cry out in my
darkest hour. I called out in weakness you are my helper. You spread
your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is
higher than I.
Psalm 61 (Just needed the reminder again)
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Chris Tomlin, I will rise

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I love...

- Fresh bread and butter (tonight's supper)
- Tasmanian apple cider
- Seven Little Australians
- The tune to Lullaby by Jack Johnson
- Having days at home on my own
- Sleeping in
- Going to bed at night
- Vintage embroidery patterns
- Peace and quiet
- The piano part in With everything, by Hillsong
- DJ Shah's Beautiful (glimspe of heaven) (long island mix)
- The smell of rose water (which goes in turkish delight)
- Nell and Will
- James G...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Deliver me from me
And deliver me to You
Come and set me free
Come and find me tried and true
Come on now
Deliver me from me

Someone reminded me recently the importance of 'dying to self daily'. This Margaret Becker song is a good reminder for me. But still, I'm struggling.
Feeling bad again (a common occurrence with me)I do things I don't want to do (even when I know they are wrong), I look at pictures of myself and totally understand why my life is what it is. (in regards to relationships particularly) There's always a constant battle within me to have to do things I don't want to, like walk the dog, feed the pets, do things around the house, I struggle most often when I just want to do my own things and have to get up. I struggle with trusting people to like me, esp. after they've been upset with me. I struggle with the idea of taking the steps to move out on my own. (or with someone else) With not knowing if I'll be ok financially, and whether I'll ever feel secure in a job. (which I never have) I struggle with the idea of having to find my own accommodation and worry that it will be a challenge. I struggle with the idea of loving someone for the rest of my life and with the possibility that they may never acknowledge me again, let alone like me, and how incredibly hard that will be.
Thanks God, for working things out in regards to my leave, and for
cool people who are organised when it comes to things like rosters and
such!! Now I can really look forward to my time off.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Having lunch in rainy Thornbury. The day's actually going pretty well.
I am minding Felix till 2pm and then going else where. He hasn't been
up to too much mischief. Thanks God. Please can the rest of the day go
well? Please God, can everything be clear and organised? Thanks for
all you do for me God. I know I don't say thankyou often enough.
In other exciting news (for me) I've recieved a pay rise! That's not
something I've ever had happen before. It's only about a dollar extra
an hour, but it all adds up, and the centre owner has been very
diligent and organised with the group certificates. Yesterday was the
first day of the financial year and I got mine today! I love when
things are as stress free and simple as that. I feared this would be
another battle. Thanks for that God. Now I just need the leave thing
to be sorted. I'm really trying not to stress about it though. Please
God work it out for me. Ta.
My weekend is something I'm looking forward to. (even though I've just
had two days off) Dad is making me a book case, so I need to clear my
floor in order to get it in. (& I'm sick of living in a mess) and I'm
cooking lots of things for lunch Sunday. I hope I'm successful. No
deserts this week, so no disasters. Hurrah! I am planning on a cake
and a Turkish delight icecream for Sunday though, so I'll see how I go.
Hope you're having a nice day James.

(I really should have brought some chocolate with me to work, I don't
know how i'm going to last till 7, when I get home!! I'm not buying!
I'm not buying! Money is for NZ!)

I havn't written much in regards to James lately, not because I don't
care, but rather because I'm not sure what to say or do. I really miss
him but at the same time I'm feeling the rejection keenly, and it
hurts. I wish that there was something I could say or do so that we
could be in contact again. And I still feel that sense that I should
'wait and see'. I don't know, maybe its me not facing reality. Off to
bed now, I'm up at 5:30am tomorrow : /
Dear James, I miss you, I love you still. I wish I could see you
sometime. You mean so much to me, more so than anyone else. I want to
hug you and hold your hand, and kiss you goodnight. I want to hear how
your uni semester has gone and whether you've got your results yet.
I'm praying for success for you in this.

Ps, If I could see you, you could do all the asking/paying for/leading in this if you'd like. (I know that's how you like things to be.)