Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So I guess I havn't done a very good job at leaving this for a
while...I felt bad on Sunday but I feel ok today. I worked yesterday,
hasa was not too volatile and not too gross, but still aggressive and
impolite to people. He can also be quite intimidating to the littler
kids. But his behaviour was better. I'll see him tomorrow.
I've had today off, I havn't been up to much. I've bought some books
from bonanzle, but this is it for a while. I'm sick of spending money.
I made a chicken stirfry for dinner and cupcakes for sweets. Lifesaver
musk lollies taste really nice with lemon buttercream icing! (& real
butter is so much better than margarine)
I'm reading Beverly Gray's Journey at the moment. It's one of the
later ones in the series and it's good. I've heard of a kid recently
(i think he's about 8) who's read through the entire Harry p. series
five times! I wish I could just relax and read. Reading feels lazy to
me, I always feel like I should be up doing something. I have so many
books to read!
Tis all for now...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I'm done with this for a while...I need a break from everything.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


That's me today (and yesterday) I just can't seem to make myself do
anything :/ I hate being in this slump...I know what (who) I want but
I cant do anything to change to the circumstances. I don't know...
I have been unworthy, unwilling, unapproachable,
unrighteous, unmerciful, unreachable,
unteachable, unsure, unaware, unfair,
uneasy, undecided and unwise....
but because of Jesus and all He went through I KNOW I have never been UNLOVED

I have loved you, O my people,
with an everlasting love; with loving-kindness I have drawn you to me.
Jeremiah 31:3

I'm feeling those unmotivated, sick of everything, lousy feelings
again after an okay week or two. I need to talk to someone about these
We went to big w today and got some seedlings, 3 kinds of
strawberries, snow peas, snap peas, coriander, cherry toms and baby
peppers. I've always wanted to have a go at growing things so now's my
chance. I just wish I hadn't let L talk me out of getting the
beetroot. I'd love to have a go at growing potatoes (I've heard of
someone who's growing them on her balcony) corn, heirloom tomatoes and
lots of stone fruit. I'd even love to try growing mangos, even though
they wouldn't grow in cold Melbourne.
Not much else to say really... :/

Friday, August 27, 2010

I feel rubbishy, full of doubts, worries, fears and pressures
regarding the future. So many things I need to do. :/
Another day...another few dollars. I'm glad to be finished. Felix was
good, his usual self. (mischievous) It was nice seeing him light up
when I arrived, and he wanted to hold my hand at lunch time. It was
lovely when his sister gave him a drawing she did for him and he quite
clearly said thankyou and gave her a hug. He doesn't often even
acknowlege her, so it was unexpected. I've also been trying to teach
him how to write his name, just emphasizing the letters when we draw
together. I say them as I write them. Today while painting he starting
doing it himself. But he started with 'e' rather than 'f' and isn't
quite sure how to do 'x' but he's getting there, such a clever boy.
It was kind of hard listening to one of the girls talk about a guy she
hopes to start seeing and the text messages they've been sharing...I
do hope it works out well for her though, she's a nice person. Nearly
in the city...note to self: I must not buy chocolate biscuits on the
way into work because I eat them like single pieces of chocolate!

Perfection= when the 3:28 belgrave train leaves at 3:28:07!! Such a
nice day in the city today, not that I'm staying here!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I feel like being in the city tonight.. (watching Jamie's Kitchen, where they work in the bakery makes me feel this way. Strange but true..its the music and lights at night...)
Guess where I went today? I got woken by the phone at ten to eight
asking me to work. Pretty late notice, usually by that time I'd be
thinking I'd be having a day off, ah well. I survived. I spent quite
a bit of time in the babies room today, doesn't happen too often.
There was this tiny little baby named Hannah, she must be just 6
months (the minimum age) and was so little compared to all the other
children. I also had a (surprisingly) nice talk with Kylie at lunch.
Apparently hasa was very out of control on Monday. I (and others) need
to learn not to be intimidated by him and to remember he is only 5.
Looking back I think I did try to take more control on Wednesday,
there were times when he got very aggresive and he's incredibly
antisocial, he won't allow any of the other children to play with him
or very near him. He's got alot to learn, that kid. I hope I can be of
some help to him.

But you Oh Lord are a shield around me, my glory, the lifter of my
head. Psalm 3:3

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm lying here not able to sleep, but no work tomorrow so it doesn't
matter too much. I feel like such a fraud, claiming to be a Christian,
a follower of Christ, when the truth is I constantly stuff up, I look
up stuff on the Internet and watch stuff on the tv which isn't
helpful. I don't often 'tread lightly' on people, as I should. I worry
and fret and get anxious and don't trust God for things. I blame God
when things don't go how I want them to. I'm sorry God, I want to be a
better follower, please help me.
The other thing is, while I'm being so honest and open, my heart is
absolutely crushed over the past 6 months events. I've asked God to
heal the hurt and to show me what to do to move on from this, but
honestly, despite all the praying and seeking him in this situation,
the hurt and emptiness is still there. It's consuming. I don't know
what to do anymore. I just love you James G, that's the truth. Talking
with you was just the best thing ever, I loved having you as my
friend. I miss you, & wish you wanted to know me again.
I'm at that stage where if one more person is rude to me...(watch out)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I'm in cold Fairfield again, I'm only working 5 hours today which is
good. And hasa will often arrive much later than 9:30 which means I
spend even less time with him than I'm supposed to. Please God can he
be in a calm, willing to obey mood? Please be with me in this, I do
struggle with him.
I got another eBay parcel in the mail this morning. I love not having
to wait for regular mail. I found it as I was leaving.
I'm still struggling with being sick but I do feel much better than I
have been. I didn't end up sleeping yesterday afternoon, I layed down
for one minute and then decided I didn't want to sleep. I worked on my
NZ photos instead, I'm about half way there. I so wish I could go to
Canada with P, L and S in October. I've also felt lately like having a
holiday in the blue mountains, such a nice place. If only I could
spend my life on holidays rather than working, but unfortunately it
doesn't work like that :/ Ah well...(bring on retirement!! Only 40
years to go...)

Today's work is done, the bus was only one minute late! Hurrah! Hasa
was a challenge again today, and I'm learning very quickly that his
behaviour is not 100% linked to his autism, but rather the fact that
he's been allowed to do what he wants, when he wants and gets away
with everything at home. Simple things like washing his hands after
he's been to the toilet are a battle, because it hasn't been enforced
that he has to. (and his toilet habits are gross!) But I noticed a few
small things today, i was sitting on a car mat and he wanted to see
the road and so tried to push me out of the way. I said to him 'no,
say excuse me', and he said it! He also approached me at lunch time
wanting help to peel a banana.
I'm going home now, maybe via the supermarket for something to eat. My
voice started going this arvo :/

I bought these little coloured bible verse cards in NZ with lots of
different translations. I like alot of the NLT verses..

And we know that in all things God works together for the good of
those that love him. Romans 8:28

The Lord gives his people rest from sorrow and fear, from slavery and
chains. Isaiah 14:3

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. Psalm

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. he will carry the lambs in his
arms. Isaiah 40:11 (I like the thought of being carried, especially
when I'm tired)

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of
trouble. Psalm 46:1

For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. Psalm 91:11

He who watches over you will not slumber. Psalm 121:3

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. Revelation 22:4

Tis all for now...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Another day at home

I've been feeling pretty good, although I might go and have a sleep after this. Today is my Felix's birthday. (and his twin sister Jamie's too) Hope he's having a good day. I'm looking forward to seeing him Friday and wishing him a Happy Birthday. Please take care of him today God, keep him safe and please give him a happy day. Please be real to him and to his family too. Thanks.
Nothing else to mention except that I found another Australian classic in the Salvos today- Picnic at Hanging Rock. Should be a good read. It was only 80c! 

Genuine love puts self last and other first;
it is generous, considerate and self sacrificing;
it seeks others comfort, convenience and happiness;
and it produces a willingness to give ones life
in loving ministry for others.
(taken from 1 Corinthians 13)

(My love is genuine James. I do wish for you comfort and happiness and am praying for you. Please forgive me for the mistakes I've made. I miss you.)
No work today, I called in sick. I felt better after that, but about
1pm I started feeling crook again :/ I tried to go to the doctors here
in camberwell but they only bulk bill pensioners...but the days been
okay. I'm watching ER and eating chocolate.
I've also made rock cakes. Old fashioned but nice. They called for two
eggs, I had one! But they worked and I didn't need to buy anything
extra to make them. I also made crispy chicken tacos for supper,
tasty. I'm tired now, which means I feel sick. Takes a while for the
panadol to kick in. I hope I can sleep in tomorrow. It's nice to sit
by the warm fire and write this.

Finally, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever
things are just...think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Other random things (which I forgot yesterday)

-I love a baleriac dinner, by sunlounger (makes me think of summer
evenings and sunsets)
-I find it hard to listen to the a day without rain cd by enya.
-I love sleeping, I also love being busy and find it hard to sleep in.
-I've gotten into the habit of going to bed early and now can't stay
up very late.
-I love australian children's literature, and I look particularly for
those which have won book council awards. (I found one in the salvos
yesterday!) I took 4 children's lit subjects at uni and liked them
alot. The lecturer was good. I've kept some of the pieces of work I did.
-I've never watched the simpsons.
-Spud and I had a thing going. (see previous) It was very difficult to
leave him behind, but I can see God's hand in that, keeping us from
going places we shouldn't have. Neither of us were christians...Even
so, I'll never forget him.
-I stink at scrabble...(& I don't care)
-I buy books often, girls series books. (Nancy drew, Beverly gray,
little house) I probably should start reading more of them.
-I like watching MASH while sewing.

Short and sweet today...

I'm so sick of being sick! A whole week this has lasted. I'll see how
I am in the morning but if I still feel this way I won't go in. It
should be a quiet house too, with people working or away. Wil give me
a chance to catch up on things and to rest.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:8

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Random things...(I like making lists)

-I like the name's nigella and Gentle Ben (Genny) for a cat.
-I love our cat, even though he's demanding. He's been a faithful
companion to me.
-I can't stand the f word, more so than other swear words.
-I like reading about large families, and hearing people's name
-I wish I were named Esther (my cousin is instead).
-I might change my second name to Juleah or something else I like one
-I don't like names which are too common.
-I do love Evi (eve) after a little girl I met in mildura a few years
-some of my closet school friends were named Pimmy (Katherine), Kezza
(Kerry), Spud (David) and Marcus (Marcus!) I hope to see them again
one day.
-Marcus used to buy my apples from me. I still have his 2000 christmas
card which says 'from Marcus who buys all the apples'.
-Spud is engaged to Sarah. I don't know if he's called Spud anymore. I
have very fond memories of doing office administration classes with
him and Kerry.
-it was a very hard thing to leave these people, a school where I was
doing well academically and a nice place and to move to Melbourne. At
times I wish I'd fought harder to stay but I was only 16...
-I love my cousin Rebecca. She's kind and friendly and thoughtful.
-I'm afraid of the future :/
-benadryl cough syrup and demazin cold and flu tablets are amazing!
Within an hour I can go from feeling shocking to feeling almost normal!
-I like playing rummiking with my grandmother, no one else will play
with me. I usually beat her but she beats me at scrabble. We're pretty
much an even match when it comes to the dice version of phase ten.
-there was this girl, bridget at school. A few years ago, long after
I'd left that school I realized something. I liked this guy and she
knew. She told me that she liked him too. I realized later that this
was just made up between them so I wouldn't like him anymore, if that
makes sense? She was awful, I also remember her saying once in class
'why do I always get stuck with Rachel?' Amazingly though, someone
actually loves her, has married her and she has a child! That's all so
-I have a good relationship with my mum's sister Jenny. She doesn't
have children of her own, only step children. We like alot of the same
things, craft, animals, eating seafood...I had a really great trip to
see her in April. She took good care of me. I'd like to go again.
(except her husband's a bit scary)
-I'm looking forward to cooking this next week. Mum is stressed out
with lots to do. I want to make things easier for her, and not take
her being stressed personally.
-I'm listening to Taylor swift's fearless right now...(random!)

Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and
that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:6

If I could go back ten years...

I would,
-work harder at school so I could study in warrnambool and stay in
contact with my school mates there.
-not do that stupid cooking course.
-not go o/s with d&a, what a catastrophy! (I'm still feeling the after
-not have sent jg that email telling him I liked him.
-not have bought so much junk...
But all this is life isn't it? Full of mistakes, regrets and hurts :(

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm going to work again, I woke up feeling sick again but I've taken
more medication and it's working wonders! I almost feel normal again!
It's great! I'm hoping I'll be up for cooking some meals tomorrow
which can be frozen. There's just no time during the week.

The day was okay, I'm on the way home. Felix was a bit crazy today
(into everything and being a bit aggresive). The first request made to
when I arrived was to take him outside. He likes being out there on
his own. Sometimes he'll include me in his play, othertimes I'll just
supervise him. Next time I see him he'll be 4, it's his birthday next
Tuesday. I might find him some thomas the tank engine colour sheets to
try and encourage more settled play, I'll see...his favourite isn't
Thomas though it's Gordon, and he even says it in an English accent.
Also funny today, he didn't want his lunch of vegies and rice so I
asked if he wanted a sandwich, he replied 'a sandwich, yay!' Was nice,
and unexpected. I'm going home to eat some wedges now, just wish they
didn't take so long to cook. Ah well...

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10 (I do
like this)

I'm up to my eye balls in cold and flu medication, and it's working.
I've felt shocking all day. It's been hard to swallow again, and hard
to talk too, particularly at the end of the day. I worked today. I
probably shouldn't have but I did. Isabella was cute again today. She
left with her mum and sister and then managed to open the heavy door
and get back in because she wanted to stay. She came over to me,
seeming to indicate that I would be on her side and let her stay. I'd
like to be these kid's advocate, someone who's on their side. (even
though she obviously had to go) she'll be back tomorrow.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will preserve my life.
Psalm 138:7

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm feeling a bit low again, still sick and because I'm tired I feel
worse. But I kind of want to stay up another hour and watch RPA, but I
don't want to watch farmer wants a wife...
The day had some challenges, but a highlight was when a lovely little
girl, Isabella climbed on to me and rested on me while a book was
being read. She's usually very active and doesn't keep still, but I
think she must have been tired and not well with a cold today. She's
such a nice kid. Please God, protect Bella and give her a good nights
sleep tonight. Thanks.
I really need another holiday...
I'm sitting waiting for a bus in cold Fairfield. It's always so much colder here than in camberwell. I'm still battling this sickness. I took some night cold and flu tablets last night though, and some panadol and I can now swallow a bit easier, which is great! But I'm really tired of this recurring sickness. I didn't get sick at all last year, so it is obviously the childcare centre!
Hasa today, I hope he behaves. I think Wednesday is the day the kinder 4 teacher really needs an aide, because she has hasa and two other little boys who are very big handfulls! I hope today goes well. Please be with me God.
I hope to have another day off tomorrow. I really need it. I want a day where I can sleep all day if I need to, or at least for as long as I want to.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry,
or destitute or in danger or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us. 
Romans 8:35-37

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

There's nothing like feeling like chocolate or lollies and not having
any! I'm still sick, and a walk to the shops is too much effort right
now. It's been good to have a day off, my first in 9 days. I would
have liked to have slept in later than 7:15 though, but just woke up
naturally. I lay there praying the phone wouldn't ring, and it didn't.
(thanks God)
I got my eBay/bonanzle parcels in the mail today. I've started one
book already, The Orchard Secret, by Cleo Garris. It's an old girls
mystery, the first in a three part series. It's okay, although strange
names for the girls, Arden, Sim and Terry. I'm also going to try and
read through the whole Billabong series. I've started the first one (a
little bush maid) even though I've read it before.
I don't feel like unhealthy, buttery chicken Kiev for dinner.

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.
Song of songs, 8:7

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I've worked again today, although I really was dragging my feet this
morning. I've been getting sick and it's always worst when I wake up.
But I went, put in the required hours and hopefully won't be coming to
TK tomorrow.
Hasa was ok, although I'm a bit hesitant to get very involved with him
because he has a volatile temper, take something off him without his
permission and watch out! I've been attacked before and don't want it
to happen again. I find it hard to like him to be honest.
I'm going home now, I hope to a bonanzle/eBay parcel, I have two more
to come. I hope it's a quiet house, mum said she might be going out to
help dad with something and she didn't answer when I called a few
minutes ago.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your
God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. Isaiah 41:10 (please help
me God, I'm struggling)

I wish things were different, I wish you would change your mind James
and give me a chance.

Friday, August 13, 2010

So long

I'm going to try and go Internet free for a while...I'm sick of it all
to be honest. It's the source of too many of my problems : /
Another ok day. Felix was also ok, a bit of a handfull at times. (but
also cute when he laughed hysterically at my drawing happy/sad/silly/
angry train passengers) he was funny when I offered him half a
chocolate frog, he threw it away. I think he might have wanted the
whole thing? I don't know?
I also saw photos of rubi's beautiful baby today, he's not very dark,
but his hair his. (rubi's from bangledesh so is dark) he might get
darker? Kylie has been better lately, we've had a few laughs and she
showed me the photos. At this stage I'm doing 15 hours next week (3
days, 2 with hasa and 1 with Felix) but it could change. I thought I
was only doing 5 this week and I've done 31! So I'll see. I can add to
that list of things I don't like the song white whisper by deep forest.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Looking back through this I can see ive been unneccesarilly critical
of people in this. The number of posts I've gone back and deleted
because I was negative or unkind. I wish I wasn't like that. I'm sorry
God, I want to do better and to look for the best in people, and not
the worst. Please forgive me.

Again : /

Trains are skipping lots of stations this morning. A 21 minute wait at parliament during peak times! Absolutly stupid! So I'll get off at Clifton hill and wait, and get part way there, but I hate this! And funnily, my phone alarm woke me this morning and I almost went back to sleep thinking it was Saturday! I can't get into that habit. I want to sleep tomorrow!

I like...
-getting books from bonanzle/eBay in the mail (yesterday and hopefully today too)
-when the train is quiet like it is now (no one's talking)
-no life after you, by daughtry (don't love it, just like it)
-getting paid (today)
-cadbury cooking chocolate
-when my sister is nice to me
-lead me by Colin b
-flying away by zuccero
-reading my school friend Spud's (aka David) fb
page, I just wish he'd update it more
-rush (& remembering to watch it. Come on Stella and Michael!!)
-7th book free at borders
-no more mistakes, by phynn (gets me everytime)
-Elle by yves saint laurent
-James G :'(

I don't like...
- the song white ladder by David gray (must take it off iPod)
-everytime by britney spears 
-when those rather pathetic dysons bus's are always a few minutes late and make me just miss a train. They are HOPELESS!
-waking up tired (it defeats the purpose of sleeping)
-feeling bad about myself and not being able to pinpoint why. (like now)

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord himself will be my light. Micah 7:8

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm working again today, so a full week of work. Bring on the money!
Annoyingly though not many trains seem to be stopping at Fairfield,
where I need to get off, they keep running express to Ivanhoe.... I
may only just make it in time today. It's so nice and sunny today, I
wish I was on a train to warrnambool or some place nice. It's that
kind of weather. Even bendigo would be alright. Oh well...
Day was ok, although at times things were unclear (where I was
supposed to be at times) but I've finished now, at 10 to 4 in fact, I
had expected to finish
at 5:30! Means I can cook something nice for dinner. I like doing this
on my days off but I havn't had many of them lately. Felix tomorrow,
but also scary holly...comon bus!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm at parliament station waiting for the 7:36am train to Fairfield. A
busy work week. By the end of the week I will have worked at least 4
full days. I would love tomorrow off. But won't say no if they call me
into work.
I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, but I'm thinking i'd like
to save hard between now and the end of the year (and hope the work
keeps coming in) and take some time off at the start of next year (?a
few months) and do some travelling. When I come back I might live in
youth hostels and look for a new job. If I put some money aside for
when I get back it might work. I don't know? I know air fares to
Europe are cheaper in the winter. I think it's really a matter of
saving every penny, praying and asking God if it's the right thing to
do and working out where I want to go. I also know from experience
that once transport and accomodation have been paid for, the expenses
are minimal, I can make the trip as expensive/inexpensive as I want. I
definetely want to see more of Switzerland and Austria and maybe
Greece, Poland, Russia and Sweden, and Ireland too. I don't know yet.
I love the thought of getting away again (even though I've only just
come back) Also, I really love Mavis Thorpe Clark books, who writes
Australian fiction for young adults. Reading her books always makes me
want to see more of Australia, so maybe I could fly home via western
Australia? I'd love to see Monkey Mia, that would be cool. I like
thinking and making plans like this, it gives me something to look
forward to. I also like the idea of going overseas every year.

(a bit later)
I'm chuffed!! Today I've looked after Hasa an autistic boy. I don't
look after him and sometimes he's on his own (although really
shouldn't be) but today we had the community service worker come
again. Hasa is very hard to look after, he's big, can be violent and
does what he wants. I was worried. I don't know what the outcome of
this visit was but she spoke to me about Felix and Angelica and said
she was very impressed with the relationships I've formed with f & a
and had spoken to STB (director) about it. She also asked me about my
previous experience with these kinds if children. So that made me feel
good! :D Still have 2.5 hours to go and at this stage I'm off
tomorrow, hurrah!

Monday, August 9, 2010

BG reporter started off good but has gotten increasingly rediculous.
For example, three of the characters just narrowly escaped being blown
up in a house. They were rescued by a countess who whisked them away
in her car. Five minutes into the trip she pulled over and pointed out
the blown up house in a valley below. I'm also just at the part where
they are going for a joy flight and one of the wheels has come off the
plane, so they can't land. Someone will have to climb out of the plane
and fix it, mid air! I've heard that the original publisher of this
series was more interested in quantity (sufficient word count) rather
than quality! I do like like the friendships the girls have though. I
might read something else after this though. (if I finish it)
Another full work day today. Now I'm not tied up two days with Gella I
seem to be getting more full days. With her funding only allowed for
an aide ten hours a week. Please God go with me today.
It's cold here in Fairfield this morning. And I've got an hour
before I start, and it's raining!! :(
My day is going well, although holly is SCARY! It's like being on egg
shells around her. Please help me God, thanks.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I really need to not get into staying up late again, because this
results in me sleeping in, and doesn't work well when I get called at
7 to go into work. Not that I'm complaining about the work. But I was
looking forward to doing other things today. Please God, can
everything be clear and straight forward today, including where I'm
supposed to be and when and when I'm supposed to finish. Thanks God.

Rubi had a boy Ibrahim, on Friday. I like that name.

But I hear things are not going so well for Angelica at the other
centre. They don't seem to understand that she needs extra help and
emotional care, and are just leaving her to her self. I can't help but
feel that this has been the wrong decision for her. I'm really going
to start praying for her more, I love that little girl, she's so
precious to me and I want good things for her.
Please God, watch over Gella please keep her safe, please provide her
with caring, kind people to look after her. Please give her peace.
I also hear Felix got out of the centre after I left on Friday. All
because a careless parent was borrowing chairs and left the door and
gate open. He needs an aide fulltime.
I'm so glad to be a christian during these times, I know I can ask God
to keep them safe and he will.

I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still
talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their
Isaiah 65:24

A pretty good day. I enjoyed having a quiet house to myself this arvo.
Did some craft. I made a thankyou card and am now trying to watch ER,
and sew at the same time, but I can't do both : / I'm also getting
tired which i don't like...& mum and I went and did the shopping at
the well. Sunday is a good night to do it at coles, lots of things

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of
all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. Isaiah 40:20

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Over the last two days (well last night and today) I've been reading
this guy's blog. I met him years ago, but am realising I knew very
little about him, personality wise and everything else. I'm just
amazed at his devotion to God. It seems from his writing that
everything he does centres around God, and I love his devotion to his
wife. He speaks so highly of her. I envy her. He clearly loves her. I
really never knew anything about this guy, other than the obvious.
(the only thing I don't understand is why, after having three children
they would stop?? If they could have more, why wouldn't they? I can
only imagine what an incredible, amazing experience it would be to
have children, wouldn't you want to just keep experiencing that, and
not limit your self to only three? I don't know, I guess I like the
idea of a large family...)
Product testing here I come!! I was actually called yesterday evening
asking to confirm If I was participating, so they must be keen for
people to be there. I like doing things like this. I'm also going to
have lunch (KFC? I don't think there's a maccas at chaddie) and look
at craft books.
I've been thinking about why Felix and Angelica mean so much to me.
It's because they love me that I love them. They come to me when they
need something, and when they need comfort and they are always happy
to see me. I love them for these things. I pray for them often, that
God will take care of them and will help them in their lives.
I do like writing this, it started as a way for me to show someone
that I loved them, but it's turned into an online journal of my life
as a follower of Jesus. I like it more now, that desperation for his
love and friendship isn't there so much, which is good. It's still an
absolute kick in the head everytime I see him and am reminded of the
rejection, but God has his plans, he knows best, I want to trust him
for the future, and not be worried or anxious about things. I want to
trust that if God wills it, that there is someone out there who's
going to be right for me and who will treat me kindly, and who won't
hurt me. I don't want to be fearful of that happening.

Good day shopping at chadstone. I had a souvlaki for lunch and bought
2 books from borders. (crochet for dummies and way to crochet, I'm
very keen to learn) I also bought a Thomas train for Jesse because he
loves ttte and wasn't feeling well this morning. I had to seriously
restrain my self in toys r us, there were so many cool things I wanted
to get him. I also got the purfume I wanted and did the product testing.
It was interesting, I enjoyed it. It was in this secluded part of
chadstone so it felt a bit covert. We answered questions relating to
some pascalls lollies, did some tasting and said what we did and
didn't like about the description of them. One kind was very nice the
other a bit too minty. I would have liked to have tried more. It will
be interesting to see whether anything comes of these lollies tested.
I'm all tuckered out now! I wanted to sleep in this morning, but I was
woken by a little boy's unhappy cry's for his dad.
I also saw jessica Watson at a book signing today! (I didn't buy the

Friday, August 6, 2010

I feel like someone's taken a sledge hammer to my heart, repeatedly
over the last 6 months. But I'm so thankful for God's healing, which I
know will come in time.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Crossoints, chips, chocolate, kabana, mildura fruit juice, a quiet
house= me feeling slightly better.
Rolling my eyes at the silly things people get themselves into
Felix was great, he's such a clever boy. He sat down at the computer
and started typing the alphabet, looking for each key. He got from A
to H in order. He's not yet 4, I love that little kid. (and I'm
starting to get fearful of losing him too) Holly was slightly scary at
times... And for a while there was a community service worker taking
notes on Felix, a bit scary. (although he took no notice of her) I
think she may be responsible for his funding? I don't know?? (she was
nice though, but I felt she shouldn't have made judgements about other
children's social skills... She doesn't know them)
No news on Rubi's baby yet. I don't know what time she was being
induced. I wonder if her baby is here yet?
I feel really, really lousy right now. I wish I could leave this life
and start again. I'd take Felix, Angelica, maybe my aunt and maybe my
grandmother. The rest I'd leave behind. I'm tired of this life and the
same old stuff always happening. I'm sick of rude people. I'm at that
point where if one more person is rude to me... (watch out, I'm not
feeling like being nice)
I do love this though,

I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep
me safe. Psalm 4:8

I've stuck this verse on my bedside table so I see it before I go to
sleep. Right now I feel like eating something nice and lying on my bed
in the sun reading BG Reporter. I want to be left alone. Soon though,
I'm nearly in the city. Just a train to camberwell, and then home via
the store. (will post this when I get home)
And this iPod is starting to sporadically play up again... I don't
like it but I'm not going to get angry about it. It's just a thing. (&
no I will not be buying a 4th iPod this year!)
Wish I could go away, I don't want anything or anyone right now, I
just want to live in the country or near the beach (which is why I
like warrnambool, has both) on my own. I crave the space, peace, fresh
air... I have none of that right now. I just want to read, do my
sewing, cook nice food, sit in the sun and have willy (cat) on my
knee. He's the best kind of companion, he demands food, but he's not
rude, or stupid, or inconsiderate and he likes me. I like him too. But
yeah... I feel like my head is going to explode : (

A quick post before I go to bed. Another not too bad day at TK, thankyou God. I actually did Holly's job, as she doesn't work Thursday anymore. I worked with some nice people and some lovely kids. Even Kylie was okay, filling me in on a few things. Really looking forward to seeing my favorite Felix tomorrow. Please help me with Holly God, thanks.
Still no baby for Rubi. If she doesn't have him before Friday she's going to be induced. I'm so excited for her, before this weekend comes she will be a parent! I hope she brings him in so we can see him. I'm sure he will be beautiful. I havn't known her when she hasn't been expecting.
I'm really enjoying the Hillsong How Great is Our God  video on youtube right now. I particularly love when she prays. I often find myself praying along with her, and making her words relevant to my life. Listening to this also reminds me of working at the uni library in Bendigo, up on the second floor, with the big windows, looking out to the sky, on weekends. I've been thinking about looking for work there lately. I didn't enjoy living with JB and that really put me off the place. But obviously if my living arrangements were different there, I'd probably like the place more. I'll see. God knows best.
Tis all for now...
I'm praying (/singing) these for my friend.
(quite a few of them are from pass it on cards bought from Christian book stores)

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I work
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

Rest in Him
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. 
Psalm 3:5

All things were created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:16-17

God may say "wait" but he never says "worry". 
Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this you will experience God's peace. Philippians 4:6-7

Feeling small? 
The lord sees you.
The lord hears you. 
The lord is ever and always near you.
And call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you...psalm 50:15

The Lord God helps me. Isaiah 50:7

You are my refuge, you are my tower, you heard me cry out in my darkest hour, I called out in weakness you are my helper, you spread your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

I am the Lord your healer. 
Exodus 15:26b

Stay strong lovely James, the troubles in this life are only temporary. Fix your eyes on Jesus, he will help you through these hard times. He's a loving, faithful and trustworthy friend, who will never let you down. I'm praying for you, and will continue to.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I love...

Writing these lists
Beverly Gray Reporter (book I'm reading, wish I could read all day)
Fresh bread
Stay Strong by The Newsboys
Being warm when it's cold (wish I was now)
Sleeping in (doesn't happen too often)

I'm doing some product testing on Saturday at Chadstone shopping
centre. For my time I get a $40 coles/myer gift voucher. The product
I'm testing is chewy lollies! I've been asked to participate in these
before but havn't been able to because I havn't been a smoker and I
don't drink energy drinks. This one should be good though, I like
lollies. I might buy some nice purfume with my voucher. I found one at
the Christchurch airport I liked but didn't have the right money on
me. It's called Elle by (??) eves saint laurent (i have no idea how to
spell or say that) - the sample in my purse has been tempting me.
Please God go with me in my work today. Can everything be clear and
straight forward please? Thanks.
Sent from my iPod

I feel yucky again, it's the same old stuff... A good thing though is
that I'm working a full day tomorrow. It seems that always when the
work seems to be slackening off and I start looking for something
else, it picks up again. And I'm with fantastic Felix on Friday. (but
also scary holly too I think)
I'm staying strong in regards to the tv watching. I still want to
watch h&a, but I havn't...
I like the song don't panic by coldplay right now. It was sleep music
today and I enjoyed it. Usually they play David gray which I like too.
It (hands down) beats 'babies do The Police' (instrumental of the
original)-no thanks!!
I don't know what to do...........(about anything)

Sent from my iPod

I'm at maccas in the city, but I'm not really hungry. A pretty good
work day. I filled in for someone who went to have an ultrasound done.
She seemed happy to go. I was in with the 1-2 year olds. Nice girls to
work with in there. One of the girls in there was kind of rude to me
earlier this year. I'm glad now I didn't retaliate, I think it must
have been a one off. She was nice, almost approachable today, thanks
God. I got her all wrong.
No baby (that I hear) for my work friend Rubi yet. She's due tomorrow.
I've never known her when she hasn't been expecting. Please be with
her God, please be real to her and to her husband and to their baby.
Wish you were here James. I'd like to see you. Ah well...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Yesterday was a hard day and I wrote some awful, aggressive angry things on here, which I don't want to do. Sometimes life gets a bit too hard and  bit too much, but I should have kept it together better and been a better follow of Jesus. So those posts are gone and today is a new day. I'll try to do better today. I'm heading to work soon, just for 4.5 hours. I might get something nice to eat in the city afterwards. I felt like doing that yesterday, but the city just seemed like a bit far away. 
Please God, lift me out of this slump I'm feeling. I hate feeling yucky like this, I hate being in conflict with people and having no one on my side, and I hate being worried about the future. I hate feeling so negative about everything. Please take me away from all this, as only you can. Thanks.
For the record James, you're 100x better in every way than brad pitt will ever be. At least you've got character and substance, he's got nothing compared with you. (looks included) I wish things were different, that I could fix what seems like such a mess. Is there any way I can fix things?

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm still awake and it's now 1:48am, things are keeing me up. I really
should turn this jolly thing off.
Please God watch over suke. She really needs you God. Please save her
God, as only you can. Please can I hear back from her soon.

Sent from my iPod

I'm too tired to do anything but can't sleep... My work situation, now
that Gella's left my hours have been cut. I hate (with a passion!!)
looking for work. I'm not a big fan of the director at TK either who
asked me to work full time earlier this year and hasn't given me the
hours. And who has given someone who started last week fulltime work.
However I like the idea of Geelong or warrnambool. Ill see. TK was
never going to be long term anyway. I don't want to work, I just want
to stay at home and do my craft and cook and travel and go to the
beach. However that neccesary thing called money holds me back.
Things I'm looking forward to,
My niece/nephew coming in December
Seeing more of Europe eventually
Sewing tomorrow
Getting books I've bought from eBay in the mail
Living by myself
Going to two cousins weddings in the next few months
I'm starting to get sick again : ( not fun. My voice is going. I have
started taking that vile chesty cough syrup again. Cordial helps
disguise the taste. Otherwise the day has been ok. I've done the jobs
I've needed to and have been sewing. I wish I could stay up all night
and do it but I can't. Nephew Jess was here today. He's starting to
talk and copy what other people say. But Ive watched enough Thomas the
tank engine to last me a long time!!
It's kind of hard not being able to write about who I want to write
about anymore. I know that's now past, and that putting how I feel
into words is not going to make anything happen. I don't know...
Even though it's early and I don't have to go to work tomorrow, I'm
going to go to bed now. As I get tired I feel worse.
Thanks God, for being with me today.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The end of another day

I do like writing in this. I'm listening to meteor shower by Thomas
Newman and the rain dripping outside. I'm never usually up this late.
But I don't have to go to work tomorrow. I'm so disapointed about
Angelica. I wish she could have stayed. God knows best and I need to
trust her to him. Tomorrow is her first day at her new centre. Please
God provide her with kind caring people to look after her. She really
needs that. Thanks for her and that I've known her. She is the
lovliest little girl and I wish she was my daughter. I'm going to miss
her. She was cute last week. She unexpectedly said to me in the
afternoon 'good day', indicating that the day had been a happy one.
She's a bright little thing and I think this will come out more as she
makes progress in other areas and becomes more confident.
Felix was also lovely when I saw him Friday for the first time in two
weeks. He saw me and raced up to me and took my hand to lead me to
what he was doing. It was as though he had been waiting for me. If I
could pick two children in the world to be mine I'd choose these two.
I love them alot.
I've got a million craft things either on the go or planned. Tomorrow.
Thanks God for kind people like Alison, for Felix and Angelica and for
all you do for me.