Friday, October 8, 2010

Boy do I feel lousy...I need a change. I need a new life!

Friday, October 1, 2010

I still feel really lousy ... And with no motivation to do anything...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'm really struggling, please help me God...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I went to bed last night feeling lousy, and Ive woken up feeling lousy. I really wish I didn't have to go to work today and it's a long day too, not the usual 5 hours with hasa. He'd better be good today, I'm not feeling like being treated like a punching bag. I don't know about anything anymore, just that I hate feeling like this. I don't want to write this anymore, I wish I'd never started. I feel like such an idiot, some of the things I've written....

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

So there's this clown on the train with his music at full volume, no
headphones! Such an idiot! Come on flinders!!!
I miss you James g, I wish I was with you now...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm in cold Fairfield! I wish I'd brought a coat with me, but lately
it's been warmer and a coat has just been an extra thing to carry. I
hate being cold!
Other things going on...I went to Geelong for that interview yesterday
and the interviewer was not in! So rude and unprofessional! I was
pretty angry and upset to miss a day of work and to go all that way
for nothing. I just had lunch in Geelong city and looked in a few
opshops and then got the train back. If that woman wants to interview
me she can do it over the phone. I was dissapointed, I would like to
live in Geelong, and this was just another set back to me getting on
with life, I feel.
Mum and I went and saw Tomorrow when the war began last night. It was
great, the guy who played Homer was particularly good as was Caitlin
stasey who played Ellie. We are both keen to read the books now and to
see the next film. I'm not sure why but I always though they were a
sci fi series but they arn't. John marsden is amazing! The soundtrack
was also quite good. I wouldn't mind seeing it again.
Please God go with me in my work today, thanks.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Lord God helps me...the Lord God helps me...

Friday, September 10, 2010

I'm getting over this a bit...other things going on!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Another long (9:30-5:40) day. I'm ready for a day off. Just five hours
with felix tomorrow and then I'm done for the week. If this jolly bus
isn't on time out! (same with all other transport!)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So after a long work day there's this clown of a train driver who
decides to travel at a snail's pace from Fairfield to the city,
stopping every two minutes for no reason and then stopping at platform
14, resulting in a long walk to the other platforms! Not happy! I've
just about had it with idiots who are constantly late and just
Hasa was okay again today, although aparently according his muslim
religion he should sit to go to the toilet and not stand! (says his
mother) I wish I had tomorrow off, but I shall endure another day of
unhygienic children, at times rude staff and pathetic transport
services because I'm being paid for it!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Again I'm at that point where if one more person is rude to me...I've
had it all day.
Bit of an all over the place day, lots of confusion and things not
being clear at TK... Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm with hasa
till 2:30 and then I'm releiving Kylie. I'm hoping I'll be put on the
breaks lists! (please God) Otherwise they'll be no lunch.
James, just because I'm no longer asking and not saying much on here,
doesn't mean I no longer care. I still do...wish I was with you...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Hasa was relatively chilled out today which was great! He still throws mini tantrums but he's learning that there are things he has to do, washing hands, coming for lunch etc...2 parcels today! Hurrah! I have more than enough books I need to read now.I also got Benj. R's gift.

Plans for this week

-work x5 days.
-finish BG assignment and start something else. *getting there*
-save money. I'm sick of buying food to eat on the way to/from work.
I've bought nice food today so that's it for the week.
-apply for 5 jobs (centrelink :/) *1 down, 4 to go*
-get better from this sore throat thing which just keeps going.*getting there*
-organist nell's vacs
-Benj r's birthday *done*

Not too busy a day. Someone from church gave me an old book she found
in an opshop (a bobbsey twins) so that was nice. And I've just cooked
pancakes with banana and nutella for dinner, was nice. To bed and a
book now.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Clever boy! (see last Friday)

I had a nice day with Felix. He's such a clever boy. I came into the room today and was talking to a little boy who wasn't keen on childcare today, trying to comfort him, when Felix saw me and bounded up and pulled me away, so I could be with him. Lots of outdoor play today which he liked. We've also been drawing trains a lot, which we number and name (Gordon, Thomas, Percy...) and we draw passengers in the windows. I ask him one by one if the passengers are happy, sad, angry, silly, sleepy etc... I noticed today he's started doing voices, copying me. Eg, when he says happy, its done in a bright, up beat voice. (quite loud) When he says sad he says it in a very weepy voice, and the same with angry. It's cute. I was trying to think of other ways to draw people, and said one of passengers was singing- 'la la la' and he copied. And the train driver is always happy. I love that kid, he's great!
Ebay parcel today! Hurrah! And a package waiting at the post office.
And the Geelong interview is on! Tuesday week!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I'm starting at 9 today and finishing at 5:45, seems like a long day.
Please God go with me. Thanks. It's nice and sunny today, will be good
for my plants.
I'm reading Beverly Grays assignment now, I slogged through the last
14 pages of bg journey last night. I wish I could stay on this bus all
day and read. (& everyone else can get off) ah well, I'll survive.
I have a job interview arranged for next Monday which I'll have to
change because I'm working and it's in Geelong. I'm kind of anxious
but keen. For ages i've wanted to live in Geelong so if this works out
it would be a step the right direction. Only 20 minutes to Barron
Heads and Torquay! Please God can the time of the interview be worked
out? Thanks.

I'm having lunch in thornbury right now, listening to BBQ with
friends. I'm feeling slightly sick, same problems I had last week.
Just waiting for the demazin to kick in.
The cook at the centre commented today that she thinks I'm good with
the three children I've cared for at TK, she said I'm really good with
them and am patient and that it takes a certain kind of person to work
with these kinds of kids. It was totally out of the blue because we
were just talking about food and then she said that. Was very nice of
her. I don't know if she's a Christian but I heard she started seeing
a Christian guy earlier this year and goes to church with him. She
plays a Christian radio station in the kitchen too. I appreciated her
encouraging words.
Maybe fish for dinner? I might get some from coles, it always looks
nice there. (& I don't want chicken and broccoli pasta bake!)
And that job interview that I was trying to fit in next week is not
happening. I'm working a full week here and can't get to Geelong :/
not really happy. I ask STB a few days ago to be a reference (I told
her I'm looking for full time work) and I'm questioning her motives
for putting me on a full week. How can I look for work if I'm being

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Another day...I worked 9:30-4:10 today and I have a full day tomorrow.
Work was ok today, at times things were unclear but God went with
me and things worked out. Thanks God. But it was kind of awful
literally holding back from being sick at the mere thought of having
to change a girl who soiled herself..,and then I had to actually
change her. It's the smell I can't stand, more than anything else.
Such a disgusting job! I always need to smell something nice after
that. (I still feel a bit off after that and it's been hours)
Hasa was ok again today, although he threw a tantrum at lunch time
because he wanted to keep playing with a train and wouldn't come to
the table and eat. He needs to learn to do what he's told. But he's
learning that I'm in the room for him and is coming to me for help. It
was nice today when another child had a book he wanted. Rather than
aggressively snatching it and hissing like an angry snake, (as he
usually does) he said 'Ta?' in a nice manner. He can be good when he
wants to be.
Can dogs be brought on trains in Melbourne? I don't think so enless
they are guide dogs. Nell would have a field day if I brought her on a
train! She'd love it! But I don't like it when it's done by others...
(& I wouldn't do it)
I miss you James, I still care, i'm just going to keep telling you
until you listen and take it in. Love you my dear friend.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So I guess I havn't done a very good job at leaving this for a
while...I felt bad on Sunday but I feel ok today. I worked yesterday,
hasa was not too volatile and not too gross, but still aggressive and
impolite to people. He can also be quite intimidating to the littler
kids. But his behaviour was better. I'll see him tomorrow.
I've had today off, I havn't been up to much. I've bought some books
from bonanzle, but this is it for a while. I'm sick of spending money.
I made a chicken stirfry for dinner and cupcakes for sweets. Lifesaver
musk lollies taste really nice with lemon buttercream icing! (& real
butter is so much better than margarine)
I'm reading Beverly Gray's Journey at the moment. It's one of the
later ones in the series and it's good. I've heard of a kid recently
(i think he's about 8) who's read through the entire Harry p. series
five times! I wish I could just relax and read. Reading feels lazy to
me, I always feel like I should be up doing something. I have so many
books to read!
Tis all for now...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I'm done with this for a while...I need a break from everything.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


That's me today (and yesterday) I just can't seem to make myself do
anything :/ I hate being in this slump...I know what (who) I want but
I cant do anything to change to the circumstances. I don't know...
I have been unworthy, unwilling, unapproachable,
unrighteous, unmerciful, unreachable,
unteachable, unsure, unaware, unfair,
uneasy, undecided and unwise....
but because of Jesus and all He went through I KNOW I have never been UNLOVED

I have loved you, O my people,
with an everlasting love; with loving-kindness I have drawn you to me.
Jeremiah 31:3

I'm feeling those unmotivated, sick of everything, lousy feelings
again after an okay week or two. I need to talk to someone about these
We went to big w today and got some seedlings, 3 kinds of
strawberries, snow peas, snap peas, coriander, cherry toms and baby
peppers. I've always wanted to have a go at growing things so now's my
chance. I just wish I hadn't let L talk me out of getting the
beetroot. I'd love to have a go at growing potatoes (I've heard of
someone who's growing them on her balcony) corn, heirloom tomatoes and
lots of stone fruit. I'd even love to try growing mangos, even though
they wouldn't grow in cold Melbourne.
Not much else to say really... :/

Friday, August 27, 2010

I feel rubbishy, full of doubts, worries, fears and pressures
regarding the future. So many things I need to do. :/
Another day...another few dollars. I'm glad to be finished. Felix was
good, his usual self. (mischievous) It was nice seeing him light up
when I arrived, and he wanted to hold my hand at lunch time. It was
lovely when his sister gave him a drawing she did for him and he quite
clearly said thankyou and gave her a hug. He doesn't often even
acknowlege her, so it was unexpected. I've also been trying to teach
him how to write his name, just emphasizing the letters when we draw
together. I say them as I write them. Today while painting he starting
doing it himself. But he started with 'e' rather than 'f' and isn't
quite sure how to do 'x' but he's getting there, such a clever boy.
It was kind of hard listening to one of the girls talk about a guy she
hopes to start seeing and the text messages they've been sharing...I
do hope it works out well for her though, she's a nice person. Nearly
in the city...note to self: I must not buy chocolate biscuits on the
way into work because I eat them like single pieces of chocolate!

Perfection= when the 3:28 belgrave train leaves at 3:28:07!! Such a
nice day in the city today, not that I'm staying here!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I feel like being in the city tonight.. (watching Jamie's Kitchen, where they work in the bakery makes me feel this way. Strange but true..its the music and lights at night...)
Guess where I went today? I got woken by the phone at ten to eight
asking me to work. Pretty late notice, usually by that time I'd be
thinking I'd be having a day off, ah well. I survived. I spent quite
a bit of time in the babies room today, doesn't happen too often.
There was this tiny little baby named Hannah, she must be just 6
months (the minimum age) and was so little compared to all the other
children. I also had a (surprisingly) nice talk with Kylie at lunch.
Apparently hasa was very out of control on Monday. I (and others) need
to learn not to be intimidated by him and to remember he is only 5.
Looking back I think I did try to take more control on Wednesday,
there were times when he got very aggresive and he's incredibly
antisocial, he won't allow any of the other children to play with him
or very near him. He's got alot to learn, that kid. I hope I can be of
some help to him.

But you Oh Lord are a shield around me, my glory, the lifter of my
head. Psalm 3:3

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm lying here not able to sleep, but no work tomorrow so it doesn't
matter too much. I feel like such a fraud, claiming to be a Christian,
a follower of Christ, when the truth is I constantly stuff up, I look
up stuff on the Internet and watch stuff on the tv which isn't
helpful. I don't often 'tread lightly' on people, as I should. I worry
and fret and get anxious and don't trust God for things. I blame God
when things don't go how I want them to. I'm sorry God, I want to be a
better follower, please help me.
The other thing is, while I'm being so honest and open, my heart is
absolutely crushed over the past 6 months events. I've asked God to
heal the hurt and to show me what to do to move on from this, but
honestly, despite all the praying and seeking him in this situation,
the hurt and emptiness is still there. It's consuming. I don't know
what to do anymore. I just love you James G, that's the truth. Talking
with you was just the best thing ever, I loved having you as my
friend. I miss you, & wish you wanted to know me again.
I'm at that stage where if one more person is rude to me...(watch out)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I'm in cold Fairfield again, I'm only working 5 hours today which is
good. And hasa will often arrive much later than 9:30 which means I
spend even less time with him than I'm supposed to. Please God can he
be in a calm, willing to obey mood? Please be with me in this, I do
struggle with him.
I got another eBay parcel in the mail this morning. I love not having
to wait for regular mail. I found it as I was leaving.
I'm still struggling with being sick but I do feel much better than I
have been. I didn't end up sleeping yesterday afternoon, I layed down
for one minute and then decided I didn't want to sleep. I worked on my
NZ photos instead, I'm about half way there. I so wish I could go to
Canada with P, L and S in October. I've also felt lately like having a
holiday in the blue mountains, such a nice place. If only I could
spend my life on holidays rather than working, but unfortunately it
doesn't work like that :/ Ah well...(bring on retirement!! Only 40
years to go...)

Today's work is done, the bus was only one minute late! Hurrah! Hasa
was a challenge again today, and I'm learning very quickly that his
behaviour is not 100% linked to his autism, but rather the fact that
he's been allowed to do what he wants, when he wants and gets away
with everything at home. Simple things like washing his hands after
he's been to the toilet are a battle, because it hasn't been enforced
that he has to. (and his toilet habits are gross!) But I noticed a few
small things today, i was sitting on a car mat and he wanted to see
the road and so tried to push me out of the way. I said to him 'no,
say excuse me', and he said it! He also approached me at lunch time
wanting help to peel a banana.
I'm going home now, maybe via the supermarket for something to eat. My
voice started going this arvo :/

I bought these little coloured bible verse cards in NZ with lots of
different translations. I like alot of the NLT verses..

And we know that in all things God works together for the good of
those that love him. Romans 8:28

The Lord gives his people rest from sorrow and fear, from slavery and
chains. Isaiah 14:3

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. Psalm

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. he will carry the lambs in his
arms. Isaiah 40:11 (I like the thought of being carried, especially
when I'm tired)

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of
trouble. Psalm 46:1

For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. Psalm 91:11

He who watches over you will not slumber. Psalm 121:3

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. Revelation 22:4

Tis all for now...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Another day at home

I've been feeling pretty good, although I might go and have a sleep after this. Today is my Felix's birthday. (and his twin sister Jamie's too) Hope he's having a good day. I'm looking forward to seeing him Friday and wishing him a Happy Birthday. Please take care of him today God, keep him safe and please give him a happy day. Please be real to him and to his family too. Thanks.
Nothing else to mention except that I found another Australian classic in the Salvos today- Picnic at Hanging Rock. Should be a good read. It was only 80c! 

Genuine love puts self last and other first;
it is generous, considerate and self sacrificing;
it seeks others comfort, convenience and happiness;
and it produces a willingness to give ones life
in loving ministry for others.
(taken from 1 Corinthians 13)

(My love is genuine James. I do wish for you comfort and happiness and am praying for you. Please forgive me for the mistakes I've made. I miss you.)
No work today, I called in sick. I felt better after that, but about
1pm I started feeling crook again :/ I tried to go to the doctors here
in camberwell but they only bulk bill pensioners...but the days been
okay. I'm watching ER and eating chocolate.
I've also made rock cakes. Old fashioned but nice. They called for two
eggs, I had one! But they worked and I didn't need to buy anything
extra to make them. I also made crispy chicken tacos for supper,
tasty. I'm tired now, which means I feel sick. Takes a while for the
panadol to kick in. I hope I can sleep in tomorrow. It's nice to sit
by the warm fire and write this.

Finally, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever
things are just...think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Other random things (which I forgot yesterday)

-I love a baleriac dinner, by sunlounger (makes me think of summer
evenings and sunsets)
-I find it hard to listen to the a day without rain cd by enya.
-I love sleeping, I also love being busy and find it hard to sleep in.
-I've gotten into the habit of going to bed early and now can't stay
up very late.
-I love australian children's literature, and I look particularly for
those which have won book council awards. (I found one in the salvos
yesterday!) I took 4 children's lit subjects at uni and liked them
alot. The lecturer was good. I've kept some of the pieces of work I did.
-I've never watched the simpsons.
-Spud and I had a thing going. (see previous) It was very difficult to
leave him behind, but I can see God's hand in that, keeping us from
going places we shouldn't have. Neither of us were christians...Even
so, I'll never forget him.
-I stink at scrabble...(& I don't care)
-I buy books often, girls series books. (Nancy drew, Beverly gray,
little house) I probably should start reading more of them.
-I like watching MASH while sewing.

Short and sweet today...

I'm so sick of being sick! A whole week this has lasted. I'll see how
I am in the morning but if I still feel this way I won't go in. It
should be a quiet house too, with people working or away. Wil give me
a chance to catch up on things and to rest.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:8

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Random things...(I like making lists)

-I like the name's nigella and Gentle Ben (Genny) for a cat.
-I love our cat, even though he's demanding. He's been a faithful
companion to me.
-I can't stand the f word, more so than other swear words.
-I like reading about large families, and hearing people's name
-I wish I were named Esther (my cousin is instead).
-I might change my second name to Juleah or something else I like one
-I don't like names which are too common.
-I do love Evi (eve) after a little girl I met in mildura a few years
-some of my closet school friends were named Pimmy (Katherine), Kezza
(Kerry), Spud (David) and Marcus (Marcus!) I hope to see them again
one day.
-Marcus used to buy my apples from me. I still have his 2000 christmas
card which says 'from Marcus who buys all the apples'.
-Spud is engaged to Sarah. I don't know if he's called Spud anymore. I
have very fond memories of doing office administration classes with
him and Kerry.
-it was a very hard thing to leave these people, a school where I was
doing well academically and a nice place and to move to Melbourne. At
times I wish I'd fought harder to stay but I was only 16...
-I love my cousin Rebecca. She's kind and friendly and thoughtful.
-I'm afraid of the future :/
-benadryl cough syrup and demazin cold and flu tablets are amazing!
Within an hour I can go from feeling shocking to feeling almost normal!
-I like playing rummiking with my grandmother, no one else will play
with me. I usually beat her but she beats me at scrabble. We're pretty
much an even match when it comes to the dice version of phase ten.
-there was this girl, bridget at school. A few years ago, long after
I'd left that school I realized something. I liked this guy and she
knew. She told me that she liked him too. I realized later that this
was just made up between them so I wouldn't like him anymore, if that
makes sense? She was awful, I also remember her saying once in class
'why do I always get stuck with Rachel?' Amazingly though, someone
actually loves her, has married her and she has a child! That's all so
-I have a good relationship with my mum's sister Jenny. She doesn't
have children of her own, only step children. We like alot of the same
things, craft, animals, eating seafood...I had a really great trip to
see her in April. She took good care of me. I'd like to go again.
(except her husband's a bit scary)
-I'm looking forward to cooking this next week. Mum is stressed out
with lots to do. I want to make things easier for her, and not take
her being stressed personally.
-I'm listening to Taylor swift's fearless right now...(random!)

Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and
that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:6

If I could go back ten years...

I would,
-work harder at school so I could study in warrnambool and stay in
contact with my school mates there.
-not do that stupid cooking course.
-not go o/s with d&a, what a catastrophy! (I'm still feeling the after
-not have sent jg that email telling him I liked him.
-not have bought so much junk...
But all this is life isn't it? Full of mistakes, regrets and hurts :(

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm going to work again, I woke up feeling sick again but I've taken
more medication and it's working wonders! I almost feel normal again!
It's great! I'm hoping I'll be up for cooking some meals tomorrow
which can be frozen. There's just no time during the week.

The day was okay, I'm on the way home. Felix was a bit crazy today
(into everything and being a bit aggresive). The first request made to
when I arrived was to take him outside. He likes being out there on
his own. Sometimes he'll include me in his play, othertimes I'll just
supervise him. Next time I see him he'll be 4, it's his birthday next
Tuesday. I might find him some thomas the tank engine colour sheets to
try and encourage more settled play, I'll see...his favourite isn't
Thomas though it's Gordon, and he even says it in an English accent.
Also funny today, he didn't want his lunch of vegies and rice so I
asked if he wanted a sandwich, he replied 'a sandwich, yay!' Was nice,
and unexpected. I'm going home to eat some wedges now, just wish they
didn't take so long to cook. Ah well...

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10 (I do
like this)

I'm up to my eye balls in cold and flu medication, and it's working.
I've felt shocking all day. It's been hard to swallow again, and hard
to talk too, particularly at the end of the day. I worked today. I
probably shouldn't have but I did. Isabella was cute again today. She
left with her mum and sister and then managed to open the heavy door
and get back in because she wanted to stay. She came over to me,
seeming to indicate that I would be on her side and let her stay. I'd
like to be these kid's advocate, someone who's on their side. (even
though she obviously had to go) she'll be back tomorrow.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will preserve my life.
Psalm 138:7

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm feeling a bit low again, still sick and because I'm tired I feel
worse. But I kind of want to stay up another hour and watch RPA, but I
don't want to watch farmer wants a wife...
The day had some challenges, but a highlight was when a lovely little
girl, Isabella climbed on to me and rested on me while a book was
being read. She's usually very active and doesn't keep still, but I
think she must have been tired and not well with a cold today. She's
such a nice kid. Please God, protect Bella and give her a good nights
sleep tonight. Thanks.
I really need another holiday...
I'm sitting waiting for a bus in cold Fairfield. It's always so much colder here than in camberwell. I'm still battling this sickness. I took some night cold and flu tablets last night though, and some panadol and I can now swallow a bit easier, which is great! But I'm really tired of this recurring sickness. I didn't get sick at all last year, so it is obviously the childcare centre!
Hasa today, I hope he behaves. I think Wednesday is the day the kinder 4 teacher really needs an aide, because she has hasa and two other little boys who are very big handfulls! I hope today goes well. Please be with me God.
I hope to have another day off tomorrow. I really need it. I want a day where I can sleep all day if I need to, or at least for as long as I want to.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry,
or destitute or in danger or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us. 
Romans 8:35-37

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

There's nothing like feeling like chocolate or lollies and not having
any! I'm still sick, and a walk to the shops is too much effort right
now. It's been good to have a day off, my first in 9 days. I would
have liked to have slept in later than 7:15 though, but just woke up
naturally. I lay there praying the phone wouldn't ring, and it didn't.
(thanks God)
I got my eBay/bonanzle parcels in the mail today. I've started one
book already, The Orchard Secret, by Cleo Garris. It's an old girls
mystery, the first in a three part series. It's okay, although strange
names for the girls, Arden, Sim and Terry. I'm also going to try and
read through the whole Billabong series. I've started the first one (a
little bush maid) even though I've read it before.
I don't feel like unhealthy, buttery chicken Kiev for dinner.

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.
Song of songs, 8:7

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I've worked again today, although I really was dragging my feet this
morning. I've been getting sick and it's always worst when I wake up.
But I went, put in the required hours and hopefully won't be coming to
TK tomorrow.
Hasa was ok, although I'm a bit hesitant to get very involved with him
because he has a volatile temper, take something off him without his
permission and watch out! I've been attacked before and don't want it
to happen again. I find it hard to like him to be honest.
I'm going home now, I hope to a bonanzle/eBay parcel, I have two more
to come. I hope it's a quiet house, mum said she might be going out to
help dad with something and she didn't answer when I called a few
minutes ago.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your
God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. Isaiah 41:10 (please help
me God, I'm struggling)

I wish things were different, I wish you would change your mind James
and give me a chance.

Friday, August 13, 2010

So long

I'm going to try and go Internet free for a while...I'm sick of it all
to be honest. It's the source of too many of my problems : /
Another ok day. Felix was also ok, a bit of a handfull at times. (but
also cute when he laughed hysterically at my drawing happy/sad/silly/
angry train passengers) he was funny when I offered him half a
chocolate frog, he threw it away. I think he might have wanted the
whole thing? I don't know?
I also saw photos of rubi's beautiful baby today, he's not very dark,
but his hair his. (rubi's from bangledesh so is dark) he might get
darker? Kylie has been better lately, we've had a few laughs and she
showed me the photos. At this stage I'm doing 15 hours next week (3
days, 2 with hasa and 1 with Felix) but it could change. I thought I
was only doing 5 this week and I've done 31! So I'll see. I can add to
that list of things I don't like the song white whisper by deep forest.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Looking back through this I can see ive been unneccesarilly critical
of people in this. The number of posts I've gone back and deleted
because I was negative or unkind. I wish I wasn't like that. I'm sorry
God, I want to do better and to look for the best in people, and not
the worst. Please forgive me.

Again : /

Trains are skipping lots of stations this morning. A 21 minute wait at parliament during peak times! Absolutly stupid! So I'll get off at Clifton hill and wait, and get part way there, but I hate this! And funnily, my phone alarm woke me this morning and I almost went back to sleep thinking it was Saturday! I can't get into that habit. I want to sleep tomorrow!

I like...
-getting books from bonanzle/eBay in the mail (yesterday and hopefully today too)
-when the train is quiet like it is now (no one's talking)
-no life after you, by daughtry (don't love it, just like it)
-getting paid (today)
-cadbury cooking chocolate
-when my sister is nice to me
-lead me by Colin b
-flying away by zuccero
-reading my school friend Spud's (aka David) fb
page, I just wish he'd update it more
-rush (& remembering to watch it. Come on Stella and Michael!!)
-7th book free at borders
-no more mistakes, by phynn (gets me everytime)
-Elle by yves saint laurent
-James G :'(

I don't like...
- the song white ladder by David gray (must take it off iPod)
-everytime by britney spears 
-when those rather pathetic dysons bus's are always a few minutes late and make me just miss a train. They are HOPELESS!
-waking up tired (it defeats the purpose of sleeping)
-feeling bad about myself and not being able to pinpoint why. (like now)

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord himself will be my light. Micah 7:8

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm working again today, so a full week of work. Bring on the money!
Annoyingly though not many trains seem to be stopping at Fairfield,
where I need to get off, they keep running express to Ivanhoe.... I
may only just make it in time today. It's so nice and sunny today, I
wish I was on a train to warrnambool or some place nice. It's that
kind of weather. Even bendigo would be alright. Oh well...
Day was ok, although at times things were unclear (where I was
supposed to be at times) but I've finished now, at 10 to 4 in fact, I
had expected to finish
at 5:30! Means I can cook something nice for dinner. I like doing this
on my days off but I havn't had many of them lately. Felix tomorrow,
but also scary holly...comon bus!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm at parliament station waiting for the 7:36am train to Fairfield. A
busy work week. By the end of the week I will have worked at least 4
full days. I would love tomorrow off. But won't say no if they call me
into work.
I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, but I'm thinking i'd like
to save hard between now and the end of the year (and hope the work
keeps coming in) and take some time off at the start of next year (?a
few months) and do some travelling. When I come back I might live in
youth hostels and look for a new job. If I put some money aside for
when I get back it might work. I don't know? I know air fares to
Europe are cheaper in the winter. I think it's really a matter of
saving every penny, praying and asking God if it's the right thing to
do and working out where I want to go. I also know from experience
that once transport and accomodation have been paid for, the expenses
are minimal, I can make the trip as expensive/inexpensive as I want. I
definetely want to see more of Switzerland and Austria and maybe
Greece, Poland, Russia and Sweden, and Ireland too. I don't know yet.
I love the thought of getting away again (even though I've only just
come back) Also, I really love Mavis Thorpe Clark books, who writes
Australian fiction for young adults. Reading her books always makes me
want to see more of Australia, so maybe I could fly home via western
Australia? I'd love to see Monkey Mia, that would be cool. I like
thinking and making plans like this, it gives me something to look
forward to. I also like the idea of going overseas every year.

(a bit later)
I'm chuffed!! Today I've looked after Hasa an autistic boy. I don't
look after him and sometimes he's on his own (although really
shouldn't be) but today we had the community service worker come
again. Hasa is very hard to look after, he's big, can be violent and
does what he wants. I was worried. I don't know what the outcome of
this visit was but she spoke to me about Felix and Angelica and said
she was very impressed with the relationships I've formed with f & a
and had spoken to STB (director) about it. She also asked me about my
previous experience with these kinds if children. So that made me feel
good! :D Still have 2.5 hours to go and at this stage I'm off
tomorrow, hurrah!

Monday, August 9, 2010

BG reporter started off good but has gotten increasingly rediculous.
For example, three of the characters just narrowly escaped being blown
up in a house. They were rescued by a countess who whisked them away
in her car. Five minutes into the trip she pulled over and pointed out
the blown up house in a valley below. I'm also just at the part where
they are going for a joy flight and one of the wheels has come off the
plane, so they can't land. Someone will have to climb out of the plane
and fix it, mid air! I've heard that the original publisher of this
series was more interested in quantity (sufficient word count) rather
than quality! I do like like the friendships the girls have though. I
might read something else after this though. (if I finish it)
Another full work day today. Now I'm not tied up two days with Gella I
seem to be getting more full days. With her funding only allowed for
an aide ten hours a week. Please God go with me today.
It's cold here in Fairfield this morning. And I've got an hour
before I start, and it's raining!! :(
My day is going well, although holly is SCARY! It's like being on egg
shells around her. Please help me God, thanks.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I really need to not get into staying up late again, because this
results in me sleeping in, and doesn't work well when I get called at
7 to go into work. Not that I'm complaining about the work. But I was
looking forward to doing other things today. Please God, can
everything be clear and straight forward today, including where I'm
supposed to be and when and when I'm supposed to finish. Thanks God.

Rubi had a boy Ibrahim, on Friday. I like that name.

But I hear things are not going so well for Angelica at the other
centre. They don't seem to understand that she needs extra help and
emotional care, and are just leaving her to her self. I can't help but
feel that this has been the wrong decision for her. I'm really going
to start praying for her more, I love that little girl, she's so
precious to me and I want good things for her.
Please God, watch over Gella please keep her safe, please provide her
with caring, kind people to look after her. Please give her peace.
I also hear Felix got out of the centre after I left on Friday. All
because a careless parent was borrowing chairs and left the door and
gate open. He needs an aide fulltime.
I'm so glad to be a christian during these times, I know I can ask God
to keep them safe and he will.

I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still
talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their
Isaiah 65:24

A pretty good day. I enjoyed having a quiet house to myself this arvo.
Did some craft. I made a thankyou card and am now trying to watch ER,
and sew at the same time, but I can't do both : / I'm also getting
tired which i don't like...& mum and I went and did the shopping at
the well. Sunday is a good night to do it at coles, lots of things

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of
all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. Isaiah 40:20

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Over the last two days (well last night and today) I've been reading
this guy's blog. I met him years ago, but am realising I knew very
little about him, personality wise and everything else. I'm just
amazed at his devotion to God. It seems from his writing that
everything he does centres around God, and I love his devotion to his
wife. He speaks so highly of her. I envy her. He clearly loves her. I
really never knew anything about this guy, other than the obvious.
(the only thing I don't understand is why, after having three children
they would stop?? If they could have more, why wouldn't they? I can
only imagine what an incredible, amazing experience it would be to
have children, wouldn't you want to just keep experiencing that, and
not limit your self to only three? I don't know, I guess I like the
idea of a large family...)
Product testing here I come!! I was actually called yesterday evening
asking to confirm If I was participating, so they must be keen for
people to be there. I like doing things like this. I'm also going to
have lunch (KFC? I don't think there's a maccas at chaddie) and look
at craft books.
I've been thinking about why Felix and Angelica mean so much to me.
It's because they love me that I love them. They come to me when they
need something, and when they need comfort and they are always happy
to see me. I love them for these things. I pray for them often, that
God will take care of them and will help them in their lives.
I do like writing this, it started as a way for me to show someone
that I loved them, but it's turned into an online journal of my life
as a follower of Jesus. I like it more now, that desperation for his
love and friendship isn't there so much, which is good. It's still an
absolute kick in the head everytime I see him and am reminded of the
rejection, but God has his plans, he knows best, I want to trust him
for the future, and not be worried or anxious about things. I want to
trust that if God wills it, that there is someone out there who's
going to be right for me and who will treat me kindly, and who won't
hurt me. I don't want to be fearful of that happening.

Good day shopping at chadstone. I had a souvlaki for lunch and bought
2 books from borders. (crochet for dummies and way to crochet, I'm
very keen to learn) I also bought a Thomas train for Jesse because he
loves ttte and wasn't feeling well this morning. I had to seriously
restrain my self in toys r us, there were so many cool things I wanted
to get him. I also got the purfume I wanted and did the product testing.
It was interesting, I enjoyed it. It was in this secluded part of
chadstone so it felt a bit covert. We answered questions relating to
some pascalls lollies, did some tasting and said what we did and
didn't like about the description of them. One kind was very nice the
other a bit too minty. I would have liked to have tried more. It will
be interesting to see whether anything comes of these lollies tested.
I'm all tuckered out now! I wanted to sleep in this morning, but I was
woken by a little boy's unhappy cry's for his dad.
I also saw jessica Watson at a book signing today! (I didn't buy the

Friday, August 6, 2010

I feel like someone's taken a sledge hammer to my heart, repeatedly
over the last 6 months. But I'm so thankful for God's healing, which I
know will come in time.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Crossoints, chips, chocolate, kabana, mildura fruit juice, a quiet
house= me feeling slightly better.
Rolling my eyes at the silly things people get themselves into
Felix was great, he's such a clever boy. He sat down at the computer
and started typing the alphabet, looking for each key. He got from A
to H in order. He's not yet 4, I love that little kid. (and I'm
starting to get fearful of losing him too) Holly was slightly scary at
times... And for a while there was a community service worker taking
notes on Felix, a bit scary. (although he took no notice of her) I
think she may be responsible for his funding? I don't know?? (she was
nice though, but I felt she shouldn't have made judgements about other
children's social skills... She doesn't know them)
No news on Rubi's baby yet. I don't know what time she was being
induced. I wonder if her baby is here yet?
I feel really, really lousy right now. I wish I could leave this life
and start again. I'd take Felix, Angelica, maybe my aunt and maybe my
grandmother. The rest I'd leave behind. I'm tired of this life and the
same old stuff always happening. I'm sick of rude people. I'm at that
point where if one more person is rude to me... (watch out, I'm not
feeling like being nice)
I do love this though,

I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep
me safe. Psalm 4:8

I've stuck this verse on my bedside table so I see it before I go to
sleep. Right now I feel like eating something nice and lying on my bed
in the sun reading BG Reporter. I want to be left alone. Soon though,
I'm nearly in the city. Just a train to camberwell, and then home via
the store. (will post this when I get home)
And this iPod is starting to sporadically play up again... I don't
like it but I'm not going to get angry about it. It's just a thing. (&
no I will not be buying a 4th iPod this year!)
Wish I could go away, I don't want anything or anyone right now, I
just want to live in the country or near the beach (which is why I
like warrnambool, has both) on my own. I crave the space, peace, fresh
air... I have none of that right now. I just want to read, do my
sewing, cook nice food, sit in the sun and have willy (cat) on my
knee. He's the best kind of companion, he demands food, but he's not
rude, or stupid, or inconsiderate and he likes me. I like him too. But
yeah... I feel like my head is going to explode : (

A quick post before I go to bed. Another not too bad day at TK, thankyou God. I actually did Holly's job, as she doesn't work Thursday anymore. I worked with some nice people and some lovely kids. Even Kylie was okay, filling me in on a few things. Really looking forward to seeing my favorite Felix tomorrow. Please help me with Holly God, thanks.
Still no baby for Rubi. If she doesn't have him before Friday she's going to be induced. I'm so excited for her, before this weekend comes she will be a parent! I hope she brings him in so we can see him. I'm sure he will be beautiful. I havn't known her when she hasn't been expecting.
I'm really enjoying the Hillsong How Great is Our God  video on youtube right now. I particularly love when she prays. I often find myself praying along with her, and making her words relevant to my life. Listening to this also reminds me of working at the uni library in Bendigo, up on the second floor, with the big windows, looking out to the sky, on weekends. I've been thinking about looking for work there lately. I didn't enjoy living with JB and that really put me off the place. But obviously if my living arrangements were different there, I'd probably like the place more. I'll see. God knows best.
Tis all for now...
I'm praying (/singing) these for my friend.
(quite a few of them are from pass it on cards bought from Christian book stores)

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I work
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

Rest in Him
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. 
Psalm 3:5

All things were created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:16-17

God may say "wait" but he never says "worry". 
Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this you will experience God's peace. Philippians 4:6-7

Feeling small? 
The lord sees you.
The lord hears you. 
The lord is ever and always near you.
And call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you...psalm 50:15

The Lord God helps me. Isaiah 50:7

You are my refuge, you are my tower, you heard me cry out in my darkest hour, I called out in weakness you are my helper, you spread your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

I am the Lord your healer. 
Exodus 15:26b

Stay strong lovely James, the troubles in this life are only temporary. Fix your eyes on Jesus, he will help you through these hard times. He's a loving, faithful and trustworthy friend, who will never let you down. I'm praying for you, and will continue to.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I love...

Writing these lists
Beverly Gray Reporter (book I'm reading, wish I could read all day)
Fresh bread
Stay Strong by The Newsboys
Being warm when it's cold (wish I was now)
Sleeping in (doesn't happen too often)

I'm doing some product testing on Saturday at Chadstone shopping
centre. For my time I get a $40 coles/myer gift voucher. The product
I'm testing is chewy lollies! I've been asked to participate in these
before but havn't been able to because I havn't been a smoker and I
don't drink energy drinks. This one should be good though, I like
lollies. I might buy some nice purfume with my voucher. I found one at
the Christchurch airport I liked but didn't have the right money on
me. It's called Elle by (??) eves saint laurent (i have no idea how to
spell or say that) - the sample in my purse has been tempting me.
Please God go with me in my work today. Can everything be clear and
straight forward please? Thanks.
Sent from my iPod

I feel yucky again, it's the same old stuff... A good thing though is
that I'm working a full day tomorrow. It seems that always when the
work seems to be slackening off and I start looking for something
else, it picks up again. And I'm with fantastic Felix on Friday. (but
also scary holly too I think)
I'm staying strong in regards to the tv watching. I still want to
watch h&a, but I havn't...
I like the song don't panic by coldplay right now. It was sleep music
today and I enjoyed it. Usually they play David gray which I like too.
It (hands down) beats 'babies do The Police' (instrumental of the
original)-no thanks!!
I don't know what to do...........(about anything)

Sent from my iPod

I'm at maccas in the city, but I'm not really hungry. A pretty good
work day. I filled in for someone who went to have an ultrasound done.
She seemed happy to go. I was in with the 1-2 year olds. Nice girls to
work with in there. One of the girls in there was kind of rude to me
earlier this year. I'm glad now I didn't retaliate, I think it must
have been a one off. She was nice, almost approachable today, thanks
God. I got her all wrong.
No baby (that I hear) for my work friend Rubi yet. She's due tomorrow.
I've never known her when she hasn't been expecting. Please be with
her God, please be real to her and to her husband and to their baby.
Wish you were here James. I'd like to see you. Ah well...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Yesterday was a hard day and I wrote some awful, aggressive angry things on here, which I don't want to do. Sometimes life gets a bit too hard and  bit too much, but I should have kept it together better and been a better follow of Jesus. So those posts are gone and today is a new day. I'll try to do better today. I'm heading to work soon, just for 4.5 hours. I might get something nice to eat in the city afterwards. I felt like doing that yesterday, but the city just seemed like a bit far away. 
Please God, lift me out of this slump I'm feeling. I hate feeling yucky like this, I hate being in conflict with people and having no one on my side, and I hate being worried about the future. I hate feeling so negative about everything. Please take me away from all this, as only you can. Thanks.
For the record James, you're 100x better in every way than brad pitt will ever be. At least you've got character and substance, he's got nothing compared with you. (looks included) I wish things were different, that I could fix what seems like such a mess. Is there any way I can fix things?

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm still awake and it's now 1:48am, things are keeing me up. I really
should turn this jolly thing off.
Please God watch over suke. She really needs you God. Please save her
God, as only you can. Please can I hear back from her soon.

Sent from my iPod

I'm too tired to do anything but can't sleep... My work situation, now
that Gella's left my hours have been cut. I hate (with a passion!!)
looking for work. I'm not a big fan of the director at TK either who
asked me to work full time earlier this year and hasn't given me the
hours. And who has given someone who started last week fulltime work.
However I like the idea of Geelong or warrnambool. Ill see. TK was
never going to be long term anyway. I don't want to work, I just want
to stay at home and do my craft and cook and travel and go to the
beach. However that neccesary thing called money holds me back.
Things I'm looking forward to,
My niece/nephew coming in December
Seeing more of Europe eventually
Sewing tomorrow
Getting books I've bought from eBay in the mail
Living by myself
Going to two cousins weddings in the next few months
I'm starting to get sick again : ( not fun. My voice is going. I have
started taking that vile chesty cough syrup again. Cordial helps
disguise the taste. Otherwise the day has been ok. I've done the jobs
I've needed to and have been sewing. I wish I could stay up all night
and do it but I can't. Nephew Jess was here today. He's starting to
talk and copy what other people say. But Ive watched enough Thomas the
tank engine to last me a long time!!
It's kind of hard not being able to write about who I want to write
about anymore. I know that's now past, and that putting how I feel
into words is not going to make anything happen. I don't know...
Even though it's early and I don't have to go to work tomorrow, I'm
going to go to bed now. As I get tired I feel worse.
Thanks God, for being with me today.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The end of another day

I do like writing in this. I'm listening to meteor shower by Thomas
Newman and the rain dripping outside. I'm never usually up this late.
But I don't have to go to work tomorrow. I'm so disapointed about
Angelica. I wish she could have stayed. God knows best and I need to
trust her to him. Tomorrow is her first day at her new centre. Please
God provide her with kind caring people to look after her. She really
needs that. Thanks for her and that I've known her. She is the
lovliest little girl and I wish she was my daughter. I'm going to miss
her. She was cute last week. She unexpectedly said to me in the
afternoon 'good day', indicating that the day had been a happy one.
She's a bright little thing and I think this will come out more as she
makes progress in other areas and becomes more confident.
Felix was also lovely when I saw him Friday for the first time in two
weeks. He saw me and raced up to me and took my hand to lead me to
what he was doing. It was as though he had been waiting for me. If I
could pick two children in the world to be mine I'd choose these two.
I love them alot.
I've got a million craft things either on the go or planned. Tomorrow.
Thanks God for kind people like Alison, for Felix and Angelica and for
all you do for me.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Looking back I can see it was kind of maybe not such a good idea to
write down every thought I had regarding that person who I started
writing this for. It seems a bit crazy...I guess I was so set on being
honest and real and used this as an outlet... I guess I can learn from
this mistake..
There are so many things I want to write about. I said I didn't want to do this anymore, but I do want to write it (if only for myself) but just change the focus of it. I started out writing this for someone as a way of showing them that I love them and as a way of praying for him, but that relationship hasn't worked out. I'm still praying, but what I'm writing about is changing.
This year has been a hard one, but for the first time I think ever, in my life, I've learnt and am learning what it means to be a true Christian. God has been with me through the hard times, the things that have happened this year have really made me rely on Him as I never have before. Its a good feeling, to be on the right track. I just want to live 100% for him. One thing that I've felt I need to change is watching tv. I especially don't want to watch Home and Away and Neighbours anymore, they are just rubbish and don't help me to be a Christian. I can now see that my parents had good reasons for not allowing us to watch these shows when we were children. Watching these shows also doesn't help me to be healthy inside, if that makes sense? The relationship stuff is what I've liked about these shows, and they aren't God honouring relationships, and watching them makes me want those kinds of relationships too. (Did that make sense?? I don't know? Its hard to explain) And the other reason for not watching those shows (or any tv) is that when I leave here and live on my own, I don't want a tv in my house. And if I ever have children I don't want them watching tv either.
The other thing is, for the first time in such I long time, I wish I had Christian friends. For me, I've never wanted friends, I've just wanted a boyfriend, that's what I've wanted and wished for for such a long time. But now, I wish I had Christian friends who I could pray for and who I could ask to pray for me. This really feels like a 'God' thing to me. If anyone ever reads this and would like me to pray for them, I'd be happy to, let me know.
And another thing, when writing this in the past, and in my general attitude towards life, I've been critical and impatient with people. Lately there's been this reminder in my head to 'tread lightly on people'. I do want to be kinder, more patient and less critical of others, just as I would want them to be kind and patient with me. So no more putting people down in this and hopefully in real life too.
God has been good to me in my life, looking back I can see that. Hard things have happened, but he has stood by me, and the least I can do is live my life for him.
I hate when I'm too tired to do anything at the end if the day...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I really love the hillsong song The One Who Saves at the moment. And I
love Ben fieldings explanation of it on YouTube. Makes me look forward
to going to heaven, to going home. I wish I'd already had my kids and
they were grown so I could die and be with Jesus. That's the only
thing I want in this life, to be a parent.

Monday, July 26, 2010

So no more Gella. Please take care of her God, and if it's in your
plans please let her stay at TK, but maybe move up with me as her
carer? Thanks God. Please I ask again, deal with Kylie. She is just so
awful in her behaviour. I can't stand her God, she's such an
incredibly difficult person to be around. Please bring her out of her
self. Really convict her. Thanks.
Please God, help me in finding work, in finding accomodation and in
my relationships too. Please take away the anger and rage that's
starting to eat at me. I know you don't like it and it's not healthy
to be so consumed with anger and hatred for other people. Help me
please to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. Thanks for all you do
for me.
Nothing ahead of me is bigger or stronger than the power of God behind
Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I'm at the airport, waiting to board the plane. No hassles with the
weight of my suitcase or getting through customs, although I was asked
to try and drink half a bottle of juice before proceeding through to
the international terminal. The security lady also searched my bag
after x-raying it. She had a look at those plastic security tamper
proof tags and commented that she thought they were too small to be
used to hand cuff someone! When checking my bag in i was asked if I
wanted an isle seat and because my seat is at an emergency exit would
I be willing to assist staff in an emergency! I've never been asked
anything like that before, I wonder if that's the norm? I said sure!
And another good thing, I took a shuttle to the airport, expecting it
to cost $15, it only cost $10! (I think the driver didn't have enough
I'm really enjoying listening to the new hillsong cd. I really like
The one who saves, a good song.
So looking forward to seeing will and Nell! But as for everything else
at home, I don't know. I just really need a change, a new job and a
new house.
*alot of very tired people (including me) on this plane. There's no
talking, just the sounds of the plane.
> This it I think. I fly out of NZ in about 2 hours so no more of this
> after I get home. I've mostly enjoyed my trip. I guess I was a
> little disapointed in how similar the bigger cities were to
> Australian cities, but I've come away having seen some beautiful
> parts of the world God has made. He has done an amazing job. Thanks
> God, for being with me through every part of this trip. With you by
> my side I've been kept safe and I'm so thankful to you for that,
> thankyou. Please help me in going home too and in doing what I need
> to there. Thanks God, for all you do for me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I feel lousy... I don't know what to do here : / I wish I could go home tonight. I'll survive, but I'm considering staying in a nice hotel for my last night, even though I will have to leave for the airport at 3am. At least that way I'd be guarenteed a good night's sleep. The yh I'm in (Rollerston house) is pretty hopeless. For example, the only powerpoint available for use in the hostel is in the stairwell! It actually looks like  some powerpoints have been removed. There are lots of other not so great things about it. It truly is 'budget'!!!
I bought a new Hillsong cd, called ' A beautiful exchange'. I like what I've heard of it so far. I love the This is our God album by them.
Maybe indian for dinner again tonight. I feel like it, after chinese last night. And there is a fudge making tour at 2pm this arvo, for $15, so..I don't know?
I finished Danger in the Shadows last night. Its definelty the best of Dee H's. I wish I had the next one of hers so I could read it. Oh well, in a few days.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I love...

- Felix and Angelica (i've missed them)
- getting into a good book (Danger in the Shadows by Dee Henderson at the moment. Its scary to read at night though)
- winning against the ipod in Romi
- Picton indian takeaway
- LM, who says she misses me, and likes hearing my voice on the phone. She appreciates the photos I've emailed, and has bought me new pillows and changed my sheets for me while I've been away. She wants to go out for lunch the Sunday I return.  She is lovely.
- The perfume Chloe, which I bought today. Its so beautiful. (almost intoxicating)
- Nice hotels (not tonight :'( )
-The song Losing Again, by Dj Shah
-Cheap internet here in Christchurch

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm not going to write this anymore once my trip is over. I started out writing this for someone and that hasn't worked out, so...I don't know. How I feel hasn't changed, although I'm really over being ignored and hurt. I'm just not going to put my self out there where he's concerned anymore. Its too disapointing when nothing ever happens.
Kaikoura was nice, if lacking in enough interesting shops and a decent bus service. (I walked about 30km in 3 days!) The scenery was beautiful and I really enjoyed the whale and dolphin watching tour. Loved the hundreds of Dusky dolphins swimming along side the boat. Fiona who worked in the YH there was so lovely and helpful too. I won't forget her.
I'm in Picton now. I had planned to go back to Christchurch and then to Greymouth but changed my plans. Picton is beautiful, very scenic. And I'm in a nice hostel, not run by the YHA. I have my own room, double bed, and breakfast is included! Its great! A bit more money, but its worth it.
Delicious indian takeaway here. Nothing much else is open because its winter. I had it last night and will have it again tonight. And I've decided to buy dad some NZ fudge as a souvenir, which solves all that. From an op shop here today, I found a simple white smocked dress which I thought I could wash and embroider further and give to my SIL if she has a girl in December. Otherwise I'll just put it away.
Not alot else to say really. Please forgive me James, for whatever it is you have against me. I hold no grudges and will always wish you well. I'm really sorry.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Very disapointing start to the day. Its been raining here and the fog has completly covered the alps. I trudged all the way from the hostel to the station for the tour, to find it was cancelled because of the weather. I've been booked in for another tomorrow which finishes just in time for the train back to Christchurch. Please God, can the weather be fine. The tour is why I've come here.
Another really nice person who I've met while travelling was Ivan, who gave me lots of good info on Kaikoura and the train trip up here. He lives in youth hostels! Im not sure I could do that, always having to share a room and a thanks.
For lunch locally caught crayfish, with chips and salad. Was nice and I've been wanting to try seafood while here. I would have rather it been cold though. (the crayfish) This arvo I went for a walk (I've walked another 10km today) to a seal colony. It was great. I read that the big, bulky seals are males and the lighter looking, more pear shaped seals are the females. They didn't seem at all bothered by humans.
I went to bed feeling angry last night, and woke up feeling angry with life and other people and with God. I'm sorry God, please forgive me and help me to be kind and patient with people. Thanks.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Kaikoura is beautiful. The alps and the coast are just amazing. The air is fresh here and its quiet. Funnily though, the sand on the beach is very dark and very coarse, and its unwalkable, its just too hard. I've walked about 10 km today, the youth hostel is 2km from the town and buses here seem nonexistent. At least its a nice walk.
I've been in the wars today, bumping my head on a metal rail on the train and falling over in a ditch. :(
I went for a walk to the movie theatre tonight, the only movie to be shown was 'Dear John' which I wouldn't have minded seeing. But the actual movie reel wasnt there! Such bad business. There was talk of waiting until other people showed up and then screening something else, but like I've said, I won't go and pay to see a movie just for the sake of seeing a movie. How should a Christian respond when something like this happens? Perhaps I should be patient and kind, but shouldn't people be taught to be more responsible and reliable? I don't know, sometimes people need to learn.
Why James? What have I ever done to you? This isn't right.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


                                        View from the train station

Found him while walking on the beach

Christchurch, but only for one night

Shortest flight ever! Seemed to take about 15 minutes. I only just seemed to get into my seat and the plane was preparing to land. Over an hour and a half late for such a short flight. A few good things though, I got a window seat and the seat next to me was free, so a bit more room. Also good was the very helpful bus driver who pointed out so clearly where I needed to go to get to the youth hostel. As a result it was nice and easy to find. I wonder if he was a Christian? There was this kind of old (60's?) guy on the bus playing his music quite loudly through his ipod, and I realised after a while it was Christian music. He was also really helpful in directing me to the youth hostel. There was also this very kind airport lady (Rita) who was such a gracious help to me when checking in and I also noticed her being kind to another lady who seemed to have lost something on a plane. I wondered if she was a Christian too. There have been some really kind hearted people who I've met on my travels. I want to be like them.
I'm off to Kaikoura tomorrow, the train leaves at 7am, so another early morning. Whats great though is that there is a shuttle bus every morning from the hostel to the station. Works out perfectly. I'm off for a short look around Christchurch now.
Please keep me safe tonight God. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Still here in Wellington, still waiting... I found a purfume I love
(called chloe) in the duty free store here but can't buy it because
I'm not flying internationally. Maybe on the way home. I also bought a
$5 sim card so I can call home. I didn't realize how much I needed to
until I couldn't work out how to call internationally. But I worked it
out. Feeling a bit yucky, it's the same stuff. I know in my head I
can't rely on others to make me happy but my heart just won't let me
walk away. I feel like a first prized idiot everytime I email him and
I don't get a reply. What's wrong with me, that I just can't accept
things as they are. I feel really bad, but I don't know how to fix
things, I don't know what to do.


Flight to Christchurch has been delayed by an hour and ten minutes,
means more time spent waiting. (I've never had this happen before)

I love...

•The song 'BBQ with friends' by dj shah (I could listen to it over
and over)
•my dad's mum. She's not perfect, but she can be so lovely and
thoughtful. She's a true friend to me.
•milkyway chocolate stars found here in NZ.
•a quiet room & sewing on holidays.
•my SIL, who surprised me with a lovely text today.
•the fact that I have a PowerPoint right next to my bed here. Means
phone, iPod, camera battery are all able to be charged easily, and
there's no fighting people for them. (seems trivial I know but it
•kind bus drivers (like the one who was so understanding and took me
back to the zoo today)
+free wifi at Wellington airport!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I have to type fast because I've only paid for a half hour on the internet and 12 minutes have already passed. (I hate being rushed like this) Bit of a stressful day here in Wellington. I'm ready to move onto Christchurch. Even though the stresfull stuff has passed I still feel tense, it always takes me a while to unwind from things like this. I went to the Wellington zoo today, was good, although quite alot of exhibits were closed. But I loved the red pandas and the pelican. There were even dingos there, and they are walked by zoo staff like domestic dogs. What was stressful was me leaving my camera in the giftshop and not realising till much later when I was back in the city. Took me a while to remember where I left it. It sounds trivial now, but it was just a bit much. I feared something like this would happen, and it did. It was abit like me losing the ipod again, very unfun. I'm going to be much more careful from now on.
I've just had a nice dinner and am trying to enjoy myself once again, fresh bread, cheese, kabana, chips, chocolate and another cherry coke. (which I think I like more than dr pepper)I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. I think I fly out of here after 4pm. Will be rugging up because I hear Christchurch is cold and they get snow there. Will be a nice change of scenery though.Its still pretty early here (6:18pm/4:18 pm Melbourne time) but I'm tired and ready to go and rest. I havn't quite adjusted to the time change yet, so still find myself waking at 5am, even though its 7am here. Wish I could sleep in, but I can't no matter how hard I try. Oh well, I guess I'll survive. I keep thinking, the girls at work still have 2 hours till they finish and its dark here! I guess it was probably a good thing I was on my own today so noone (who I care what they think) could see me lose it.But still, wish I could see you dear James, or just hear your voice. I'd love to buy you some dr pepper while here, but anyway... (I'll  enjoy one for you instead ;) ) Take care.

Wellington and soldiering on...

Having a nice time here in Wellington. I think I've recovered from my 2am start yesterday. (What was I thinking booking such an early flight??) I slept in the afternoon. Auckland was good. I enjoyed the zoo particularly. Wellington has a few more hills than Auckland but seems much the same. I wish I knew what to get people for souvenirs though. Some people are easy, others are not. I might go to the zoo here too, and maybe to the Carter observatory, I don't know yet. I struggle with that, with not knowing what to do in places like this. Its trivial I guess, but God has gone with me and I always figure things out with his help. Thanks God. I'm really looking forward to going to Kaikoura later this week. That's where the dolphin and whale watching tour is. At the supermarket here, you can buy imported cans of soft drink, like cherry coke, tizzel and dr pepper. So dr pepper for breakfast this morning, was very nice with some crossoints.
Wish you were here James, or I was with you. How's things with you? Thinking of you and praying for you friend.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Teach me how to live to please you because you're my God. Psalm 143,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

+ My legs feel like they are going to fall off!
+ the woolworths here is called countdown, same logo, basically same foods (except for island eggplants, and these tiny finger size bananas) just a different name!
+ they sell timtam biscuits here, I'm surprised!
+ the store was insanely busy, with long lines of people at each checkout! (supermarkets in melbourne are obviously doing something right. I should learn to be more patient)
+ supermarkets in NZ sell chilled beer, in this one, opposite the chips and snacks! (no separate liquor store)
+ this shopping plaza smells bad :(
+ I wish mum would ring (or Jo would text me back)
+ I had no idea what a 'britomart' was, I asked when looking for the supermarket. It's the trainstation!
+ I want to go and see a movie but there is nothing I really want to see and I won't go and see a movie just for the sake of seeing one.
+ from a sign I just read, it seems that you have to pay to borrow things from the library here, with the 6th being free. I don't think I'd go to the library if I lived here. (not that I go at home either though)
+ I feel like I know Queen st, Auckland pretty well.
+ despite knowing I can spend money now I'm on holiday, I still feel uneasy about it. It's that old feeling I used to get when I was a uni student and had no money, and I just can't shake it : /
+ I love the physical characteristics of traditional New Zealanders, they are beautiful looking people.
+ I really like the song Rude Boy by Beyonce at the moment.
+ somehow, amazingly, the time on my phone has adjusted it's self to NZ time, without me touching it! (cool!)
+ I wish I wasn't here on my own.
+ I don't know if I want to do this anymore...

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Hmm... I just read that the beach I walked on this morning (Onetangi)
is 'clothes optional'. It was way too cold even with clothes on!
Hmmm... Waiheke Island= dissapointing and expensive to get there,
lunch at Sonamoo also= dissapointing. (cold, stodgy food) however,
finding possom wool=awesome! I need some chocolate, or something.
So far, Auckland maccas = much better than Aussie maccas. It's
cheaper, and has self serve drinks, meaning you can go back for
more!! Auckland seems very touristy, lots of travelex's, souvenir
stores and youth hostels. But basically in most ways it's similar to
other cities. It also feels really late in the day, because it's
dark. NZ is two hours ahead of Melbourne.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Work is done for two weeks. I leave for NZ tomorrow. I plan to eat nice food, take plenty of photos, send some postcards, buy some souvenirs (I've had a request for possom wool if it's not too expensive) and see some beautiful beaches. Should be great! (wish it were for longer!) Please go with me God.
Please take care of Felix and Angelica while I'm gone God. It's not that I don't trust other people with them, but I know them best and i know they get unsettled when they don't have consistency. Please be with them, and give them peace. I really love these little kids God, but I know you love them more. Thankyou for them.
Please God, convict Kylie of her behaviour. She is just out of control. Please bring her out of herself. Thanks. And thanks for hearing my prayer about Holly this morning.
On the way home now, I plan to buy some butter on the way so I can make some cupcakes with butter (not marg!) icing. I felt like them this morning.
(wish you were coming with me on my holiday James, or I could send you postcards and buy you a gift while there...will be thinking of you love)

I don't know what to say really... I'm sick of hoping and wishing and of
wanting to be with someone so badly and of always, always being
dissapointed- in his hurtful silence that says 'go away' so clearly,
and in myself for being unable to walk away from this person. It
doesn't seem to matter what he does or how many times he ignores me, I
still long for him, to hear the sound of his voice, and to feel his
arms around me.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

You are my refuge, you are my tower. You heard me cry out in my
darkest hour. I called out in weakness you are my helper. You spread
your mighty wings and give me shelter. Lead me to the rock that is
higher than I.
Psalm 61 (Just needed the reminder again)
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Chris Tomlin, I will rise

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I love...

- Fresh bread and butter (tonight's supper)
- Tasmanian apple cider
- Seven Little Australians
- The tune to Lullaby by Jack Johnson
- Having days at home on my own
- Sleeping in
- Going to bed at night
- Vintage embroidery patterns
- Peace and quiet
- The piano part in With everything, by Hillsong
- DJ Shah's Beautiful (glimspe of heaven) (long island mix)
- The smell of rose water (which goes in turkish delight)
- Nell and Will
- James G...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Deliver me from me
And deliver me to You
Come and set me free
Come and find me tried and true
Come on now
Deliver me from me

Someone reminded me recently the importance of 'dying to self daily'. This Margaret Becker song is a good reminder for me. But still, I'm struggling.
Feeling bad again (a common occurrence with me)I do things I don't want to do (even when I know they are wrong), I look at pictures of myself and totally understand why my life is what it is. (in regards to relationships particularly) There's always a constant battle within me to have to do things I don't want to, like walk the dog, feed the pets, do things around the house, I struggle most often when I just want to do my own things and have to get up. I struggle with trusting people to like me, esp. after they've been upset with me. I struggle with the idea of taking the steps to move out on my own. (or with someone else) With not knowing if I'll be ok financially, and whether I'll ever feel secure in a job. (which I never have) I struggle with the idea of having to find my own accommodation and worry that it will be a challenge. I struggle with the idea of loving someone for the rest of my life and with the possibility that they may never acknowledge me again, let alone like me, and how incredibly hard that will be.
Thanks God, for working things out in regards to my leave, and for
cool people who are organised when it comes to things like rosters and
such!! Now I can really look forward to my time off.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Having lunch in rainy Thornbury. The day's actually going pretty well.
I am minding Felix till 2pm and then going else where. He hasn't been
up to too much mischief. Thanks God. Please can the rest of the day go
well? Please God, can everything be clear and organised? Thanks for
all you do for me God. I know I don't say thankyou often enough.
In other exciting news (for me) I've recieved a pay rise! That's not
something I've ever had happen before. It's only about a dollar extra
an hour, but it all adds up, and the centre owner has been very
diligent and organised with the group certificates. Yesterday was the
first day of the financial year and I got mine today! I love when
things are as stress free and simple as that. I feared this would be
another battle. Thanks for that God. Now I just need the leave thing
to be sorted. I'm really trying not to stress about it though. Please
God work it out for me. Ta.
My weekend is something I'm looking forward to. (even though I've just
had two days off) Dad is making me a book case, so I need to clear my
floor in order to get it in. (& I'm sick of living in a mess) and I'm
cooking lots of things for lunch Sunday. I hope I'm successful. No
deserts this week, so no disasters. Hurrah! I am planning on a cake
and a Turkish delight icecream for Sunday though, so I'll see how I go.
Hope you're having a nice day James.

(I really should have brought some chocolate with me to work, I don't
know how i'm going to last till 7, when I get home!! I'm not buying!
I'm not buying! Money is for NZ!)