Rethinking things

Feeling a bit down again today, and also feeling that I won't ever tell him about this, enless something happens first. I just couldn't handle another no. In the light of day, it makes more sense for me to just keep praying and depending on God to work in James, if its his will. But this is hard work, waiting and not knowing and also dealing with being ignored and unwanted right now.

Just a note...

Dear James,

How are you? I hope you are well. One day, when the time feels right I might share this blog with you and ask if you will reconsider me. This whole blog thing, its meant to show you just what you mean to me. It may seem a little crazy and out there, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

Love, Rachel

Dissapointed and unsure about everything

Sitting here, waiting, hoping, praying (!!) but really not thinking its going to happen :'( Why God? I'm trying so hard to honor you in my life. Doesn't that account for anything? Why hasn't James come? When will the next opportunity come for us to talk? I want to resolve things and if things are to end, I want for them to end on a good note. I miss him God, with every part of me. Why doesn't he want to know me anymore? Why did he turn his back on me? Why doesn't he want me? Please God, hear me and answer my prayers. Restore us Oh Lord God Almighty, as only you can. Let him see me God and recognise that this thing with me is not a bad thing, but a good thing. I love and cherish him God, more than anyone else. Please reveal this to him, please make him realise this in time. Please bring to his rememberence all the ways I've tried to show him what he means to me. Please God, open his eyes to me. Please lead us and guide us God, and please watch over my most precious friend today and always. Thankyou.

Edited to add, he didn't come... :'(

"You are my refuge, you are my tower, you heard me cry out in my darkest hour. I called out in weakness, you are my helper, you spread your mighty wings and give me shelter."

A prayer for tonight

Please God, James will be here tonight for the hockey meeting. Please, can we meet. I know it seems unlikely that he would approach me, but I would like him to God. We don't often have opportunities like this. Please restore us to each other, if only as friends. I don't understand what I did for him to turn away, and I hate that there has been no resolution to all this. Please God can we talk? I miss him and would like to see him. Please God, can you work it out so we at least part as friends?

Please God, be with James today and always. Thank you.

Facebook and other things

Feeling really tired currently but I heard Angus and Julia Stone's song 'All of me' tonight, and like always, the words get me every time. Particularly these,

Is there a remedy for waiting
For loves victorious return?
Is there a remedy for hating
Every second that I'm without you?

They just sum up everything I'm feeling right now. I do hate every second that I'm without James. I feel lost without him, like I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Life is not interesting without him.

The other thing is, is that I really shouldn't look at people's facebook pages- it makes me depressed. I'm interested to know what people who I've known/been aquainted with in the past are doing now days. But what depresses me (and astounds me) is that people who were not such nice individuals in school have somehow managed to make themselves into lovable human beings- at least to someone. I don't understand that. I think of certain people and wonder 'how can anyone love them??' And then I wonder what's so unlovable about me? I'm a nice person. I try not to treat people unkindly, but to give them a chance. There's more to me than meets the eye. That's really what I wanted James to see, I wanted him to look beyond what he could see, but low and behold... he didn't. I hope he will one day.

Feeling weary

This waiting thing, it sure is testing me. I've told myself that I would wait 50 years for James if he was 'the one', but I'm already feeling tired and weary and its really only been a month or two since I started this stretch of waiting. This thing with James, I'm up and down about it. There are times when I go back and read his sweet emails and I think back to certain moments where I've seen him and been near him and havn't been able to help falling in love with him, and then there are other moments where I feel angry and hurt by him for being insensitive and unkind. Right now I just miss him and long to wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I want to feel his arms around me too.

What I'm really struggling with is not knowing God's will for me, for us, in this- whether there will ever be an us. I'll admit that this is one of the reasons I've been seeking to put God first and to try and acknowledge him in all things- because I want him to lead me and show me. I know better than to expect him guide me in life if I'm refusing to live my life according to his rules. It just doesn't work that way.

So I'm praying alot at the moment for God to show me whether to wait for James or whether to move on, because honestly, I don't know what to do. Please God, hear my prayers. I'm trying so hard to live my life according to your ways.

My Father who lives in Heaven, please bless and keep my dear friend James in your care today and always. Please lead and guide us both. God, if its your will please restore us to each other, bring us together. Please God open James eyes, let him see what I see and what you see- that in me he never has to feel that he'll be rejected or ridiculed. Please bring to his remembrance and realisation all the ways that I've tried to show him that I'm different to all the others- that in me he will see not just another person, but rather someone who values him, appreciates him and wants to be a part of his life. Please God open his eyes.

Getting back on track...

Though this whole experience has been an incredibly painful and hard one to experience, one thing I've learnt through it, is that I need to get my priorities straight in life. I've realised that James (or anyone else) can't be number one in my life- God must come first and than others. I waited so long to meet and get to know James, and so when I did, nothing was as important to me in life as hearing from and knowing him. I realise now that wasn't right. I idolised him and I shouldn't have. I think for me the ultimate measure of worth and value (as far as I myself am concerned) is finding someone who will love me unconditionally, without reservation- in a romantic way. I wanted someone to share my life with and who would share their's with me. This is the kind of love I have craved and wanted and sought for so long, and to finally have found a potential person who might have fullfilled this need- well, you can imagine how consuming it was. But it wasn't right. So I'm trying my best to put God first now, to always seek his will and to honor him with my life. It's not easy but I'm going to keep trying and doing my best. One way I'm working at my relationship with God is by trying not to watch specific TV shows anymore. I like my TV so this isn't easy, but yeah... I know he will help me.
One song that I'm really enjoying right now is 'Hungry (Falling On My Knees)'. I have it on my ipod and often listen to it particularly (as opposed to other songs) while sitting in the park in the early mornings waiting to go to work. Anyway, I love the words, they remind me of who should be most important in my life- Jesus. And they tell me that he is all I need in life. I so desperately want the words to ring true for me. I don't know who sang it originally but I love it. It tells me that even if James never loves me back and never acknowledges me again, there is someone who loves and cares about me and that should be enough.

hungry

hungry I come to You
for I know You satisfy
I am empty
but I know Your love does not run dry
and I wait
and I wait
so I wait for You
so I wait for You

chorus
I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You
for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
so I'll wait for You
so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

hungry I come to you,
for I know You satisfy

Not just another day...

I started to have my doubts last night and again this morning about what I'm doing. I realised that when I asked him out for a coffee a few weeks ago and he said that he'd rather not at the moment, as he was having a tough time, that this was a brush off, him not being honest with me. I clung to those four words- not at the moment. They made me think that it just wasn't the right time but that someday it would be, when things were better.

How do I know this was a brush off? Because when he asked this other girl out and she said no, because she was 'tired', he questioned on twitter whether she was really tired or just using that as an excuse to say no. He did the same to me, I've realised, and that realisation has hurt alot, and has made me angry. Why should I wait for someone who's not going to be honest and straight forward with me? When he said no to the coffee, he gave me reasons why too- he was struggling with having to (unexpectedly) go back to uni for a final semester, with watching too much tv etc..etc.. I believed him and really felt it was just not the right time. But I was wrong and didn't get it then. I do now. So yeah... I was angry this morning, and I'm also unsure why it took me so long to realise this. It made me question things, but ultimately this is something that I can forgive and get over.

Today is James birthday. How hard it has been to read his cheerful banter on his twitter page, lots of others have been wishing him a happy birthday, sharing in his good mood. How I wish I could be a part of things, how I wish he wanted me to wish him a happy birthday too. Before things stopped, I anticipated this day, thinking of a few things I could get him. But its not to be... this year anyway. One thing I can do for him though is pray. Thats all I can do right now. I hope that one day I'll be able to give him gifts and to wish him a happy birthday in person.

I'm also surprised at how cathartic it is to get all these things down on paper. My mind has been a jumble of thoughts and (tattered) emotions lately and this helps me get things straight.

God, I love and value this person above all others. He means so much to me, but even more to you, this I know. Please God, bless and keep my precious friend safe. Lead and guide him in his life, especially today, his birthday. Give him a great night tonight with his family and please bring him home safely. Draw him close and never let him go. Please give him your peace. Thank you for him.

And finally... I know you probably won't ever see this, but Happy 34th lovely James. I miss you.

Where to start? At the beginning you say?

I've recently experienced having my heart broken into pieces by someone who I wanted (more than anything else) to share my life with. I've had time to process what's happened (I'm still processing it) and have come to the conclusion that this person is 'the one' for me, there will be no other. If I don't end up with him, I won't end up with anyone, its that simple. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else. He's worth waiting for and I will continue to wait, praying unceasingly and continuing to love him for as long as I live. Does that sound crazy? To love someone for an indefinite (possibly forever) period of time when they may never love me back? Its hard to step out in faith, but this is what's keeping me together right now- knowing and believing that God will work in both our lives and bring us together in his time. And if not, then I know he will use these circumstances for his good purpose.

So what's happened to get me to this point? We met about 9.5 years ago when I moved with my parents and siblings to Melbourne, he was attending the church that dad is the minister of. I don't recall meeting James though, I can't remember it at all. I've always thought he was a nice guy and cute- but not cute in the typical way you would expect. He's cute in that he's got personality, he's fun and is the kind of guy that you know will protect you and look out for you. He is also cute looking, with reddish, brown hair and a gorgeous smile. He's very appealing to look at. And he has a tinkling, catching laugh which I love. (if that makes sense? A laugh is a hard thing to describe)

I first noticed him several years ago when I walked past him, outside the church. He was talking to someone and he stopped me and out of the blue (we'd not really spoken much before that) asked when I'd gotten back from a recent overseas holiday. I remember thinking 'James? Oh- James!' And from then I started to notice him. I was living away at the time though, studying 2 hours away so didn't get to see him very often. I was okay with that though. I looked for him at different occasions, such as my sister's 21st and at his brother's wedding but not much happened really.

Fast forward to last December, I finished my studies and came home. This meant I got to see James on a more regular basis which was nice, but I still wasn't very into him. And then... I found him on a music sharing website and contacted him. From here things progressed, and I found myself falling for this lovely person, who amazed and fascinated me like no other. I was hooked, no going back!

When I contacted him initially, it was anonymously. It was late and I was tired and I didn't really think anything would come of it. I guess I wanted to just test the waters and see what his response would be. I sent him a message saying I thought he was gorgeous and then did a little wink ;). He wrote back and asked 'did he know me?'. I responded with a 'yes' and another wink. It took me a little while to gain the courage to reveal myself- at the start I vowed never to tell him. But as we sent messages back and forth, him always asking who I was and sharing little bits of our lives with each other, I became surprised at how soon I wanted more with him. And I knew if I never told him who I was he would always be hesitant to reveal much.

From the music sharing website p.m's, we progressed to emailing. It was great, it brought such joy to my life to hear from him and to share my life with him too. He would often send his replies in the early hours of the morning and during those early days, when things were good, I found myself waking up at 2am, or thereabouts and checking my email. Finding an email would never fail to send me back to sleep with a smile. It was a great summer, filled with memories I'll never forget.

In early January we went on our first date. He asked just after Christmas if I would like to go see a movie, which we did- Fantastic Mr Fox and then we went out for a meal after. To see him and spend time in real life, after all the emails, was great. He was as amazing and lovely in real life as online, a real gentleman, one of a kind. I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to say goodbye when the date was over. It was hard going back into the house.

We continued to email after this, things were good. I couldn't help but fall for him a little more with each email he sent. And then things stopped. Why, you ask? Its still a mystery to me, one I'm struggling to comprehend. Towards the end of January, I confirmed my feelings, saying I really liked him and thought he was lovely. I'm not sure what I said to send him running but things havn't been the same since and my heart has been slowly breaking since. We have shared several emails since, but nothing has been the same.

Last weekend James asked someone else out. I read it on his twitter page. She said no, which while I know depressed him, I wonder if it was God at work. I've never stopped caring for him, and while last weekend's events devastated me and for a while I didn't know how I was going to survive, I have.

The love and admiration that I have for this person knows no end. He's so precious and important to me. I love and cherish him above all others and I always will. I can't just stop feeling those feelings. So...is it crazy to love someone indefinitely? That's what I plan to do.