Sunday, May 30, 2010
Common sense tells me that I should let go of this idea of you and me, that you've said no and I should accept that. But there's this other part of me that just can't let it go, a part of me that says 'wait and see' and 'fight for him'. That's what I've been doing James, fighting for you and hoping for you and praying for you. Call me crazy if you like, but you matter to me. I hope one day I'll hear from you again. It was such a privilege to be able to call you a friend James, if only for a little while. I want to be friends again someday, if only in heaven.
God, only you know his heart. He means so much to me, please be with him, keep him safe, shelter and protect him. Thanks.
Friday, May 28, 2010
interstate trains leave from. I wish I could get on a train and go
somewhere. I'm also considering going to Perth for my July break. I
havn't been to the west part of Australia before. I'll look into how
much plane tickets are. After that I might start looking for a new
job. And right now I'm so hungry I could eat 10 pieces of toast, and
some cheese and some kabana and a small piece of cheescake and I could
really go for big glass of soft drink etc...etc...I havn't eaten much
Thursday, May 27, 2010
way he sounded annoyed and brushed me off when I asked about getting a
coffee in March...& then he asked someone else out a few weeks later)
Also feeling a bit sick, I've had a pretty good run of good health
lately... But I guess it's better to be sick at home, where I can
rest, than at work. Despite having two days off I'm SO looking forward
to the weekend. Bring it on!!
God, I'm really missing James right now. Only you know what the future holds, but God this is such a hard
burden to bear. Please work this out God, if only for things to end
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I'm ignored and hurt and there has been no good reason for it.
Lots of school people are listing their status on fb as being 'no
longer single but in a relationship' : / why not me?
My arm gets tired while typing on tiny iPod keys...
I'm tired but can't sleep.
I feel bad about spending money.
I love someone and they don't love me back :'( (but I did say no more
of this didn't I? I'm trying...)
I love it when...
God hears and answers me, like in regards to the payslips thing.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I hate this, you not talking to me. I wish I could see you and give
you a hug, and have the hug returned. I wish I knew what I'd done for
you to turn away, so I could fix things, somehow... Please God, help
me in this. I feel so lonely and lost. I don't want a future without
him. Please soften his heart to me, please open his eyes to me, to the
love I have for him. I wish I didn't feel so strongly for him God, but
I do, and it's torturous loving someone and getting nothing back. And
the temptation is there again to email him. Please God help me!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Clearly he doesn't want this, and by continuing to email him and by
not getting any response I feel like I'm harrasing him. But gee I feel
like crying today. It's like all the anger, stress and hurt that's
been building up has all become too much. (writing this helps though)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I'm also really not keen to go to work today, I know I'm dragging my heels currently. Please be with me today, help me to be a help and to know what to do. Please help me not to take offence easily and to be friendly. Thanks.
head and I really don't understand what I did to be rejected as I was.
Mostly though I'm just hoping that sometime down the track James and I
will be together. So I'm sticking to my original plan, to just keep
loving him and praying for him, and to let God work in his time, if its his will.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Just because you've said no and you don't like me, doesn't mean I can
just stop liking you. I can't switch those feelings off. I still care,
I still value you and appreciate you. Please God, will you watch over
him today please? Thanks for the good moments I had with him. You know
his heart, please save him God, if you havn't already. Please be with
him, help him, shelter and protect him. Thanks so much God, for this
most precious and dear person.
I'm not sure why but writing this post has made me tear up a bit, I
think because what I've written here is the true essence of my heart.
And that is, that while yes I've been angry, I am still very much FOR
James, and not against him, as my angry posts may have indicated.
Still feeling yucky, because I've heard nothing. But I'm also accepting it as something that was probably inevitable. (I had just hoped it wasn't) Gery Tinkelenbergs words from 'all along the watchtower' sum up my life right now- there are many here among us who think that life's a joke. (as in, this seriously can't be real)
Monday, May 17, 2010
this isn't over for me. As mentioned before, I really feel called to
love this person unconditionally, even though he doesn't love me back.
Please God, you know what's going on with James, please be with him
today and everyday. Please watch over him. Thanks so much for him.
Please, God soften his heart and work in him. Thanks.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
can't help it. I feel so overwhelmed with love and admiration, and
with longing. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him
close. I miss him God. What do I do God? Just keep praying and letting
you work? I don't know, but seriously, the life I'm living now-
without him, I hate it. I don't want it. I want to be with him, but I
know it takes two for a relationship to happen. He's the one for me
God, please show me what to do. And please, please God, can you put it
on his heart to at least reply to the email? The thought of being
ignored again, when I feel so strongly for him, it kills me. Please be
merciful and hear me God. Please soften his heart towards me, open his
eyes to the love I have for him. Thanks God.
me, rather than him just having ample time to think about what I asked
him? (if that makes sense?) I don't know, but I'm not feeling too
great about things. Probably by ignoring me he's hoping I'll go away,
and that thought hurts me. I still don't know what I did for him to
stop talking to me in the first place. This has been such a hurtful
experience. I just feel like curling up and dying. God, is it really
not meant to happen for James and me? I could see it so clearly in my
mind. Did I really get it all wrong?
Should I go to church tonight God? I know if he was there I would be
distracted by him, and going to church just to see him is not the
right reason to go. Please show me God. Thanks.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
again and that im going to be hurt again. (as I've said) I need to
keep reminding myself that God is in control, I need to trust that if
its his plan, that he will work in James heart and soften it towards
me. Please God, hear me and answer my prayers please. Thanks:)
only you know what the future holds. Please, if it's your will open
his eyes to me, to the love I want to give him. And if he says no can
you (as only you can) help me to accept it. I really love this person
God and want to know him and be a part of his life. Thanks God, for
all the things you do for me.
(I'm shaking with nerves!!)
he will reconsider me. It's been a while since things really ended,
but I'm afraid not enough time has passed. And there's that niggling
fear that I'll again be made to feel like a nusance or will be ignored
again. I don't think I could handle that. But there's that tiny voice
in my head saying 'go on, ask him, he's worth the risk'. What should I
full on? Those weeks over summer talking to you were so amazing for
me. I'll never forget them. It's been so long since I've seen you or
heard your voice but you still mean so much to me. Please God will
you watch over him tonight? Thanks
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thanks God for all you do for me. I know I ask for alot but don't always express thanks as I should. Thanks for Felix and Angelica. I do love these little children God and look forward to seeing them each week. Please take care of them God, and help Angelica to walk and Felix to make progress as he should. Thanks for this job God, its been so amazing how you've provided it for me. You knew what I needed, thanks. Please help me to stay positive, to work hard, to have a good attitude about it and to not take offense easily. Please show me what path to take next in regards to my employment.
Thanks for our pets God. Will particularly has been a faithful companion to me when I've had no one else.
Thanks for hearing my prayer and for LM ringing JW last night. It was important that she did.
Thanks again for James, God, for bringing him to my attention. I love him God, and my constant, unchanging prayer for him is that you will be with him, please protect him, show your favour and kindness to him and please provide for him.
Listening to Hungry (On My Knees) at the moment, and I now know the version on my ipod is by Kathryn Scott. Such a good song to live by.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Please God, lead me and lead James too. Please show us the way God. If its in your plan, please open his eyes to me God, show me whether I should keep waiting for him or whether I should move on.
James, I love you and miss you.
Better is one day in your courts O Lord, than a thousand elsewhere. Psalm 84:10
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.