Monday, April 26, 2010

Not just another day...

I started to have my doubts last night and again this morning about what I'm doing. I realised that when I asked him out for a coffee a few weeks ago and he said that he'd rather not at the moment, as he was having a tough time, that this was a brush off, him not being honest with me. I clung to those four words- not at the moment. They made me think that it just wasn't the right time but that someday it would be, when things were better.

How do I know this was a brush off? Because when he asked this other girl out and she said no, because she was 'tired', he questioned on twitter whether she was really tired or just using that as an excuse to say no. He did the same to me, I've realised, and that realisation has hurt alot, and has made me angry. Why should I wait for someone who's not going to be honest and straight forward with me? When he said no to the coffee, he gave me reasons why too- he was struggling with having to (unexpectedly) go back to uni for a final semester, with watching too much tv etc..etc.. I believed him and really felt it was just not the right time. But I was wrong and didn't get it then. I do now. So yeah... I was angry this morning, and I'm also unsure why it took me so long to realise this. It made me question things, but ultimately this is something that I can forgive and get over.

Today is James birthday. How hard it has been to read his cheerful banter on his twitter page, lots of others have been wishing him a happy birthday, sharing in his good mood. How I wish I could be a part of things, how I wish he wanted me to wish him a happy birthday too. Before things stopped, I anticipated this day, thinking of a few things I could get him. But its not to be... this year anyway. One thing I can do for him though is pray. Thats all I can do right now. I hope that one day I'll be able to give him gifts and to wish him a happy birthday in person.

I'm also surprised at how cathartic it is to get all these things down on paper. My mind has been a jumble of thoughts and (tattered) emotions lately and this helps me get things straight.

God, I love and value this person above all others. He means so much to me, but even more to you, this I know. Please God, bless and keep my precious friend safe. Lead and guide him in his life, especially today, his birthday. Give him a great night tonight with his family and please bring him home safely. Draw him close and never let him go. Please give him your peace. Thank you for him.

And finally... I know you probably won't ever see this, but Happy 34th lovely James. I miss you.

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