Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Feeling weary

This waiting thing, it sure is testing me. I've told myself that I would wait 50 years for James if he was 'the one', but I'm already feeling tired and weary and its really only been a month or two since I started this stretch of waiting. This thing with James, I'm up and down about it. There are times when I go back and read his sweet emails and I think back to certain moments where I've seen him and been near him and havn't been able to help falling in love with him, and then there are other moments where I feel angry and hurt by him for being insensitive and unkind. Right now I just miss him and long to wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I want to feel his arms around me too.

What I'm really struggling with is not knowing God's will for me, for us, in this- whether there will ever be an us. I'll admit that this is one of the reasons I've been seeking to put God first and to try and acknowledge him in all things- because I want him to lead me and show me. I know better than to expect him guide me in life if I'm refusing to live my life according to his rules. It just doesn't work that way.

So I'm praying alot at the moment for God to show me whether to wait for James or whether to move on, because honestly, I don't know what to do. Please God, hear my prayers. I'm trying so hard to live my life according to your ways.

My Father who lives in Heaven, please bless and keep my dear friend James in your care today and always. Please lead and guide us both. God, if its your will please restore us to each other, bring us together. Please God open James eyes, let him see what I see and what you see- that in me he never has to feel that he'll be rejected or ridiculed. Please bring to his remembrance and realisation all the ways that I've tried to show him that I'm different to all the others- that in me he will see not just another person, but rather someone who values him, appreciates him and wants to be a part of his life. Please God open his eyes.

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