I've recently experienced having my heart broken into pieces by someone who I wanted (more than anything else) to share my life with. I've had time to process what's happened (I'm still processing it) and have come to the conclusion that this person is 'the one' for me, there will be no other. If I don't end up with him, I won't end up with anyone, its that simple. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else. He's worth waiting for and I will continue to wait, praying unceasingly and continuing to love him for as long as I live. Does that sound crazy? To love someone for an indefinite (possibly forever) period of time when they may never love me back? Its hard to step out in faith, but this is what's keeping me together right now- knowing and believing that God will work in both our lives and bring us together in his time. And if not, then I know he will use these circumstances for his good purpose.
So what's happened to get me to this point? We met about 9.5 years ago when I moved with my parents and siblings to Melbourne, he was attending the church that dad is the minister of. I don't recall meeting James though, I can't remember it at all. I've always thought he was a nice guy and cute- but not cute in the typical way you would expect. He's cute in that he's got personality, he's fun and is the kind of guy that you know will protect you and look out for you. He is also cute looking, with reddish, brown hair and a gorgeous smile. He's very appealing to look at. And he has a tinkling, catching laugh which I love. (if that makes sense? A laugh is a hard thing to describe)
I first noticed him several years ago when I walked past him, outside the church. He was talking to someone and he stopped me and out of the blue (we'd not really spoken much before that) asked when I'd gotten back from a recent overseas holiday. I remember thinking 'James? Oh- James!' And from then I started to notice him. I was living away at the time though, studying 2 hours away so didn't get to see him very often. I was okay with that though. I looked for him at different occasions, such as my sister's 21st and at his brother's wedding but not much happened really.
Fast forward to last December, I finished my studies and came home. This meant I got to see James on a more regular basis which was nice, but I still wasn't very into him. And then... I found him on a music sharing website and contacted him. From here things progressed, and I found myself falling for this lovely person, who amazed and fascinated me like no other. I was hooked, no going back!
When I contacted him initially, it was anonymously. It was late and I was tired and I didn't really think anything would come of it. I guess I wanted to just test the waters and see what his response would be. I sent him a message saying I thought he was gorgeous and then did a little wink ;). He wrote back and asked 'did he know me?'. I responded with a 'yes' and another wink. It took me a little while to gain the courage to reveal myself- at the start I vowed never to tell him. But as we sent messages back and forth, him always asking who I was and sharing little bits of our lives with each other, I became surprised at how soon I wanted more with him. And I knew if I never told him who I was he would always be hesitant to reveal much.
From the music sharing website p.m's, we progressed to emailing. It was great, it brought such joy to my life to hear from him and to share my life with him too. He would often send his replies in the early hours of the morning and during those early days, when things were good, I found myself waking up at 2am, or thereabouts and checking my email. Finding an email would never fail to send me back to sleep with a smile. It was a great summer, filled with memories I'll never forget.
In early January we went on our first date. He asked just after Christmas if I would like to go see a movie, which we did- Fantastic Mr Fox and then we went out for a meal after. To see him and spend time in real life, after all the emails, was great. He was as amazing and lovely in real life as online, a real gentleman, one of a kind. I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to say goodbye when the date was over. It was hard going back into the house.
We continued to email after this, things were good. I couldn't help but fall for him a little more with each email he sent. And then things stopped. Why, you ask? Its still a mystery to me, one I'm struggling to comprehend. Towards the end of January, I confirmed my feelings, saying I really liked him and thought he was lovely. I'm not sure what I said to send him running but things havn't been the same since and my heart has been slowly breaking since. We have shared several emails since, but nothing has been the same.
Last weekend James asked someone else out. I read it on his twitter page. She said no, which while I know depressed him, I wonder if it was God at work. I've never stopped caring for him, and while last weekend's events devastated me and for a while I didn't know how I was going to survive, I have.
The love and admiration that I have for this person knows no end. He's so precious and important to me. I love and cherish him above all others and I always will. I can't just stop feeling those feelings. So...is it crazy to love someone indefinitely? That's what I plan to do.